How to stop feeling anxiety during sex?

[Brian]

My partner and I would like to do sexual activities again, but we’re both aware our anxieties of what could go wrong prevent us from enjoying it, or going through with the act. No matter the precautions or words of reassurance we give each other, it always ends in worry days later. Is there a way to fix this? We both want to explore, but the fear is preventing us from doing so.

[Andy]

Hi there, Brian

I think it’s great that you are actively searching for ways to make sex a nice experience for both of you again.
(Given your other posts I’m assuming you mean pregnancy-related anxieties but if you meant something else please let us know and we can talk about that too).

First of all, if you haven’t done that yet I strongly suggest reading through this article: Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On an STI From That?, either together or first each one of you on your own and making sure you understand how pregnancy can and cannot happen. If you have any questions around that and need clarification, feel free to ask them here. Then you can try put together a list of activities you both want to try and that you know don’t pose any risk of pregnancy, for a start I would pick something where no contact with ejaculate is possible like mutual masturbation. You can also brainstorm other things that might ease your worries like what what contraception method would make you both feel the safest, is it barrier methods, (doubling the method) or something else? Lastly, it might be helpful to make a plan for the case you still end up feeling anxious after, that might include steps like rereading the article or your previous thread, asking someone you trust for reassurance and general self-care activities. And based on how the first tries go you can then decide to explore more or take a break from sex and search for other options.

Does that sound like something you can try?

[Brian]

Yes that works. You see I would be okay for the first few days and then an irrational thought would just come out of nowhere completely unwarranted. We try non contact sexual activities once in awhile, so that’s why we’ve been considering taking it further. Also can I have some examples of self-care activities that you mentioned?

[Brian]

To elaborate, the only activity we do with each other is oral sex. And we work on each other one at a time to prevent any spread of fluids. We also keep our hands away from our privates all times. We had one really bad experience in February that resulted in our fear that once in a while pops up. I don’t want to disappoint my partner with my irrational worries.

[Latha]

Hi Brian,

This article provides a list of self care activities that you can try. It isn't exhaustive, so you can use it as inspiration to find other activities that work for you as well.

I understand your fear of disappointing your partner, but I think there is a very good chance that she would understand why this is difficult for you. After all, you mentioned that she experiences anxiety too. Have you spoken to her about this concern?

If I may ask, have you ever sought mental health support for your anxiety? Therapy might help you build skills that can help you manage these thoughts.

[Brian]

We’ve spoken many times about it. It’s frustrating. We do oral and cullingus and such. We do precautions and everything to make sure no fluid is spread. I’ll go on by saying we don’t have condoms and she’s not on the pill, but she plans to in the future. Anyways, when the act is done we feel good, but days later we always think.. “what if some fluid spread somewhere.” Totally irrationally. Then we panic over it for a few days, ultimately calm down, then her period comes. I always think i can overcome my anxiety but it never goes away. It’s starting to make me enjoy sex less..

[Brian]

But to answer the second question, no i do not have a therapist to go to. My family doesn’t think I need one. So my attempts have always been prevented. This is my first time being exposed to sexual fear in my life, so I go here to get advice. It’s pretty bad yeah, but i dont have many options.. I know oral can not cause pregnancies, and we clean pur hands after every act, but that fear still lingers. It’s so frustrating it’s not that enjoyable anymore

[Latha]

Hi Brian,

It is so understandable that you're frustrated- anxiety is getting in the way of both of you enjoying sex that you really want to have. Still, since this is causing so much stress, it might be a good idea to take a break from having sex for some time. You can always start again later, when both of you are in a better place with respect to these concerns.

Okay, you understand that certain activities, like oral sex, don't lead to pregnancy- but you're still feeling anxious.
I have a question: what would you need to feel secure in your ability to limit the risk of pregnancy, and manage it when it exists? Would it help to have access to birth control, or have a plan for what you would do if your girlfriend did get pregnant?

Since you mentioned condoms, I want to pass on this resource: TeenSource. It is a program that allows teens in California to get free condoms and lube. You could pick them up, or you may also be able to have them mailed to you discreetly.

I'm sorry your family is keeping you from getting the care you want. I'm wondering if there is any other way for you to access therapy. Do you attend a school that has counselors? If so, do you think you could speak to them?

[Brian]

The thing is I know how to “feel at ease.” We plan to buy birth control and condoms and if not, be prepared for an abortion at Planned Parenthood if all things fail (past our supreme caution) but i think the act itself is scary.

I do not have any counselors around me. I am on break and I don’t start college until fall. Are there any other possible resources I can go to?

[Sam W]

Hi Brian,

I'm going to second Latha's recommendation that, for the time being, the two of you only engage in sexual activities that don't lead you to feel that way. And if they ALL do, regardless of the risk level, then it's time to take sex off the table entirely. Part of being ready for sex is not being scared of it, or feeling able to manage any anxieties that do arise. Plus, if it's stressing you both out, than at a certain point that's canceling out any pleasure you might get from it, you know?

With anxiety, you could look to see if there are local low-cost or sliding scale options at mental health clinics. Too, depending on your insurance situation, even if your family won't set up the appointment, you're now at an age where you can set it up yourself, and we can talk about how to do that if you want to try that approach.

[Brian]

I’d like that very much yes

[Sam W]

Okay! I'd start by finding out what kind of health insurance, if any, your family has access to. That could be through someone's employer, or through a government program. You may have to ask your parents if you aren't sure, but knowing your insurance situation will make it easier to narrow down what options are or are not available.

If you're insured, or are under a parent's insurance, you can find what therapists are available on your insurance provider's website. You can also research local mental health clinics to see what counselors work there and whether they offer sliding scale or low cost sessions. It looks like the county you're in also has a hotline that can provide not only support, but referrals: https://dhs.lacounty.gov/our-services/mental-health-2/

Do those sound like doable first steps?