How to stop feeling anxiety during sex?

[Brian]

My partner and I would like to do sexual activities again, but we’re both aware our anxieties of what could go wrong prevent us from enjoying it, or going through with the act. No matter the precautions or words of reassurance we give each other, it always ends in worry days later. Is there a way to fix this? We both want to explore, but the fear is preventing us from doing so.

[Andy]

Hi there, Brian

I think it’s great that you are actively searching for ways to make sex a nice experience for both of you again.
(Given your other posts I’m assuming you mean pregnancy-related anxieties but if you meant something else please let us know and we can talk about that too).

First of all, if you haven’t done that yet I strongly suggest reading through this article: Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On an STI From That?, either together or first each one of you on your own and making sure you understand how pregnancy can and cannot happen. If you have any questions around that and need clarification, feel free to ask them here. Then you can try put together a list of activities you both want to try and that you know don’t pose any risk of pregnancy, for a start I would pick something where no contact with ejaculate is possible like mutual masturbation. You can also brainstorm other things that might ease your worries like what what contraception method would make you both feel the safest, is it barrier methods, (doubling the method) or something else? Lastly, it might be helpful to make a plan for the case you still end up feeling anxious after, that might include steps like rereading the article or your previous thread, asking someone you trust for reassurance and general self-care activities. And based on how the first tries go you can then decide to explore more or take a break from sex and search for other options.

Does that sound like something you can try?

[Brian]

Yes that works. You see I would be okay for the first few days and then an irrational thought would just come out of nowhere completely unwarranted. We try non contact sexual activities once in awhile, so that’s why we’ve been considering taking it further. Also can I have some examples of self-care activities that you mentioned?

[Brian]

To elaborate, the only activity we do with each other is oral sex. And we work on each other one at a time to prevent any spread of fluids. We also keep our hands away from our privates all times. We had one really bad experience in February that resulted in our fear that once in a while pops up. I don’t want to disappoint my partner with my irrational worries.

[Latha]

Hi Brian,

This article provides a list of self care activities that you can try. It isn't exhaustive, so you can use it as inspiration to find other activities that work for you as well.

I understand your fear of disappointing your partner, but I think there is a very good chance that she would understand why this is difficult for you. After all, you mentioned that she experiences anxiety too. Have you spoken to her about this concern?

If I may ask, have you ever sought mental health support for your anxiety? Therapy might help you build skills that can help you manage these thoughts.

[Brian]

We’ve spoken many times about it. It’s frustrating. We do oral and cullingus and such. We do precautions and everything to make sure no fluid is spread. I’ll go on by saying we don’t have condoms and she’s not on the pill, but she plans to in the future. Anyways, when the act is done we feel good, but days later we always think.. “what if some fluid spread somewhere.” Totally irrationally. Then we panic over it for a few days, ultimately calm down, then her period comes. I always think i can overcome my anxiety but it never goes away. It’s starting to make me enjoy sex less..

[Brian]

But to answer the second question, no i do not have a therapist to go to. My family doesn’t think I need one. So my attempts have always been prevented. This is my first time being exposed to sexual fear in my life, so I go here to get advice. It’s pretty bad yeah, but i dont have many options.. I know oral can not cause pregnancies, and we clean pur hands after every act, but that fear still lingers. It’s so frustrating it’s not that enjoyable anymore

[Latha]

Hi Brian,

It is so understandable that you're frustrated- anxiety is getting in the way of both of you enjoying sex that you really want to have. Still, since this is causing so much stress, it might be a good idea to take a break from having sex for some time. You can always start again later, when both of you are in a better place with respect to these concerns.

Okay, you understand that certain activities, like oral sex, don't lead to pregnancy- but you're still feeling anxious.
I have a question: what would you need to feel secure in your ability to limit the risk of pregnancy, and manage it when it exists? Would it help to have access to birth control, or have a plan for what you would do if your girlfriend did get pregnant?

Since you mentioned condoms, I want to pass on this resource: TeenSource. It is a program that allows teens in California to get free condoms and lube. You could pick them up, or you may also be able to have them mailed to you discreetly.

I'm sorry your family is keeping you from getting the care you want. I'm wondering if there is any other way for you to access therapy. Do you attend a school that has counselors? If so, do you think you could speak to them?

[Brian]

The thing is I know how to “feel at ease.” We plan to buy birth control and condoms and if not, be prepared for an abortion at Planned Parenthood if all things fail (past our supreme caution) but i think the act itself is scary.

I do not have any counselors around me. I am on break and I don’t start college until fall. Are there any other possible resources I can go to?

[Sam W]

Hi Brian,

I'm going to second Latha's recommendation that, for the time being, the two of you only engage in sexual activities that don't lead you to feel that way. And if they ALL do, regardless of the risk level, then it's time to take sex off the table entirely. Part of being ready for sex is not being scared of it, or feeling able to manage any anxieties that do arise. Plus, if it's stressing you both out, than at a certain point that's canceling out any pleasure you might get from it, you know?

With anxiety, you could look to see if there are local low-cost or sliding scale options at mental health clinics. Too, depending on your insurance situation, even if your family won't set up the appointment, you're now at an age where you can set it up yourself, and we can talk about how to do that if you want to try that approach.

[Brian]

I’d like that very much yes

[Sam W]

Okay! I'd start by finding out what kind of health insurance, if any, your family has access to. That could be through someone's employer, or through a government program. You may have to ask your parents if you aren't sure, but knowing your insurance situation will make it easier to narrow down what options are or are not available.

If you're insured, or are under a parent's insurance, you can find what therapists are available on your insurance provider's website. You can also research local mental health clinics to see what counselors work there and whether they offer sliding scale or low cost sessions. It looks like the county you're in also has a hotline that can provide not only support, but referrals: https://dhs.lacounty.gov/our-services/mental-health-2/

Do those sound like doable first steps?

[Brian]

These steps sound very doable yes.

To update my situation, I had a long conversation about boundaries with my girlfriend about what i am comfortable and not comfortable with. We don’t dirty talk or flirt. A week passes by and I begin to worry less again. Especially since she had her period.

I decided to give it another chance and try oral sex. The act itself was satisfying. She was fully clothed and i was the only one who exposed privates. It went well. That is until tonight, I’m freaking out again!!! This is ridiculous because this is even LESS risk and nothing bad can literally happen. It’s like my mind is betraying me. Do you think I waited too short?

[KierC]

Hey there Brian,

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling anxious about this again. Is this pregnancy related as well, or is there another anxiety too?

As others have said, it may help to take a break from sexual activities that make you anxious until you feel more comfortable with the risks involved, but sometimes it’s helpful to take a bit longer of a break in combination with counseling as discussed. I’m glad to hear those first steps sound doable, and if you run into any roadblocks, do feel free to let us know and we can help!

Also, I want to pass this resource along for the meantime. There’s a section in there called “Basic self-help strategies” and it goes through a short list of how to calm yourself down in the moment. How does that sound? Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources

[Brian]

This was pregnancy related again…I don’t know what’s wrong with me at this point. Maybe i do need more time away from activities like this.

My gf got food poisoning and along with her period cramps, it really triggered me I guess. I wasn’t able to sleep, I was sweating. Whenever I’d calm down enough to close my eyes, my gut feeling wakes me up again thinking something bad is going to happen. However, this morning I’ve practiced self-care by going on a run and playing my favorite games to tell myself nothing is wrong and I’m ok. It’s just scary how persistent my mind can be, that the facts sometimes seem fake..

I’m working on getting professional help though. My college is going to have an Orientation day and I’m planning to sign up for their counselor program!! And you guys talking here really has calmed me down many times.

[Sam W]

I'm glad to hear you were able to utilize some of those self-help techniques! And it's great to hear you'll be able to access mental healthcare through your college.

[Brian]

If the self-care doesn’t work, what should i do? Because the worry still is lingering regardless of what I do to stay distracted. I would ask my gf, but I feel like this fear is something i should manage on my own..especially since its irrational

[Andy]

Hi Brian,

as for self-care strategies I would suggest exploring as many as you can so you have a longer list of those that can help when you need it and some aren’t working/possible to do at a given moment. But in the end, when it comes to persistent mental health issues, sometimes these activities are only so much helpful and professional mental health care is really important as well. So fingers crossed you find someone who fits you through college!

As for talking with you girlfriend, I don’t think you have to be in this on your own if you don’t want no. Even though the worries might be irrational the anxiety and stress you experience are very much real and you deserve care and support around it. And hopefully your girlfriend understands that.

[Brian]

The reason why I don’t want to tell her is because she also gets triggered if I were to say my own worries. It leads to her worrying a ton as well. So, sometimes I feel like I’m alone.

Just for reassurance so if I get stressed, I can come here to know what I’m thinking is irrational: my gf gave me oral sex fully clothed and I finished inside her mouth, with her hands NOWHERE CLOSE. Can she get pregnant? (This is so embarrassing oh my god)

[KierC]

Hi Brian,

I’m glad to hear you’re taking her triggers into account as well as your own. I think, though, there should be a way to let her know about the increased anxiety you’re having without putting it onto her, especially if you’re feeling alone. Framing it not as a problem for her to fix, but as you giving her more context for how you’ve been feeling about sexual activity, especially with irrational fears, could be a good first step.

I think it’s fairly reasonable to say “Hey, I’ve been having more anxiety after these activities, and I know there’s no pregnancy risk but I’m still anxious. Could we take a break from oral until I feel better about it?” That might give her more context for how you’ve been feeling about sex. Letting her know, too, that you’re working on these fears and you’re just letting her know to give context, will help not put these anxieties onto her. Do you feel like you could let her know about the anxiety without getting into the weeds of pregnancy risk?

There’s no risk to pregnancy in the activity you described, but because this anxiety is continuing each time, it might be best to take a break from oral as well until you feel like you can work through these anxieties, or learn self-soothing strategies for when anxiety starts. How does that sound? Do you feel like you can tell your girlfriend that you might need a break too?

[Brian]

I forgot to mention another detail, my gf was dry humping me, and some of my pre was going thru my shorts, like it was visibly seen. I know dry humping poses no risk, but if it was bleeding through is there risk?

Also I did have a conversation with her, she was willing to not do anything with me in respect of my boundaries which I’m very glad to hear honestly. She completely understood so that’s nice.

[Sam W]

Hi Brian,

We touched on the other part of your question in chat, but I'm glad the conversation with your girlfriend went well!

[Brian]

Oh one other detail: Her pants were also a bit wet around her vagina area. Did that mean my pre bled through or was that her own fluids?

[CaitlinEve]

Brian,

It could have been either, but regardless of whether it was pre-cum or her lubrication there's no risk that it resulted in pregnancy.

[Brian]

So, she had pants, underwear, and a period pad on. That’s enough layers that the pre fully didn’t bleed through to cause anything right?