i’m fine, i feel fine, but idk

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PomPom
not a newbie
Posts: 22
Joined: Mon Mar 11, 2024 11:59 am
Age: 16
Pronouns: she/her
Location: Europe

i’m fine, i feel fine, but idk

Unread post by PomPom »

i fell fine, mostly, fine. i don’t feel sad, i have friends, i’m happy, really. of course i have some stress in my life and struggles, but i don’t think that it’s different from any other teenage struggles.(i’m 16) i genuinely don’t think that “something is wrong with me” in a mental way. but every day i think about killing myself, not like planning, it’s just: i’m lying on the bed, doing nothing, think about things that i should do (and want to) but don’t currently, and my mind goes “well, go ahead and jump off that window” and then i go back to my usual thoughts. i don’t know if that oks or not, because i don’t want to kill myself, but i feel like it became my “plan B” that i’ll never gonna actually do, but it’s still on my mind, a lot of time. whenever i think about having these thoughts i feel stupid and like these thoughts shouldn’t matter to me, like i have no right to have these thoughts, because my parents are caring and if i look at my life with cold head, i can tell that i can’t blame anyone in my fuck ups (and future fuck ups too). i don’t even know why i’m posting it, because whenever i think about it, it feels stupid and like it’s a minor complaint, especially since i don’t want to die. i tried to post it on reddit, but no one noticed it, so i decided to “close the gestalt” anyway
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Sam W
previous staff/volunteer
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Age: 33
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Coast

Re: i’m fine, i feel fine, but idk

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi PomPom,

So, if it's hit the point where harming yourself feels like a Plan B, then the first thing I'd like you to do is call/text the relevant hotline here: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/. That's extra-true if, at some future point, those thought start being more of a concrete plan than a passing thought. And even if you're not actively thinking of harming yourself, talking to someone who's trained to help people with feelings related to self harm is a good way to take care of yourself, and you deserve all the care and support you need.

Once you've done that, I'm more than happy to continue the conversation here and support you in the ways we're able, okay?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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