Can't resist about my feelings

[mika.m]

Long story short, I understand it's completely normal to feel aroused about other people even normal friends and having daydreaming about it but sometimes it's embarrassing and feels bad btw... How can I resist my bad feelings?

[KierC]

Hi Mika,

I’m glad you know that it normal to experience attraction to friends and others in your life, but I hear you that sometimes it still feels bad when you think about it. You’re right that it’s normal, *and* there’s also nothing wrong with it. But, to better understand how you can resist feeling badly, I want to ask first: Can you say a little bit about what bad feelings come up when you daydream or feel aroused by friends or others? Do you have any specific thoughts that cross your mind and feel badly? If we start there, we may be able to suggest some ways for you to both reality-check those thoughts, and help you feel a little less embarrassed or bad about it. How does that sound to you?

[mika.m]

Yeah it's good.
I don't know how to describe it. It feels like that I'm doing something guilty especially when it's about someone I respect to them.

I know it doesn't harm anyone... But sometimes these thoughts come in my mind

[aarija]

Hey Mika,
As you and Kier both said, it is perfectly normal to experience attraction to friends and to have daydreams. And unfortunately, loads of people are taught to feel guilty about experiencing any kind of attraction. As you've said, these thoughts are in your mind, where they aren't harming anyone. That means this is a good opportunity to invite some curiosity about what you're thinking or feeling. What do you find attractive about these people?
Where is the guilt or bad feeling coming from?

[mika.m]

These people is attractive mainly because of appearance
But I don't know exactly where it is come from.

[Andy]

Hi Mika,

I might be wrong but I wonder if the feelings of guilt might come from the fact that being attracted to someone is often presented only in connection with romantic or sexual relationships. People talk about how beautiful their partners are and romantic stories in media often begin with someone noticing someone thanks to their appearance. But in reality not all attraction has to lead to a relationship or even mean someone has to want it. We don’t consciously decide who we are into and our minds generate a lot of thoughts and feeling but it’s up to us whether we decide to act on the or not. And it’s the actions that we are responsible for and that can hurt others, not the feelings or daydreaming. Does that make sense?

[mika.m]

Now I'm thinking... I don't want to have thoughts like this about anyone who I have been friend with. I just want to be their friend. I know these thoughts don't change my relationships with them if I don't do any actions. But sometimes make me feel bad

[KierC]

Hi Mika,

If I’m understanding you correctly, it sounds like the attraction you experience to friends and others is distressing because you want to respect them as a friend. Daydreaming and feeling attraction is not disrespectful, and it also doesn’t mean that you don’t view them and respect them as a person. You can certainly have a friend and think they’re beautiful or attractive and have daydreams about them, while still viewing them as a person. In other words, I don’t think you’re hurting anyone or being disrespectful to anyone by daydreaming.

I hear you that you don’t want to have these thoughts about people, and I know it can certainly be uncomfortable when your daydreams include thoughts of attraction that you don’t want to act on. Do you think there’s some phrase or sentence you can say when you’re feeling guilty about this to soothe yourself? Something like “It’s okay to daydream, it doesn’t change real life”?