Need some orgasm advice.

[butterfly288]

Brand new here, and I just want to run my current situation past some more sexually experienced folks.

My fiance and I have been sexually active for a little less than a year now. We're both in our late twenties and were both virgins/had zero sexual experience when we met, so we're both late bloomers, I guess, both muddling through this stuff together. We typically have sex two or three times a week now, and it's mostly fine - I mean, we're satisfied with our relationship as a whole, and sex is only part of that - but there are two things I want to ask you kind people about.

First, I have yet to ever have a single orgasm. Not from intercourse, and not from manual or oral stimulation on my clitoris, which he's more than happy to do. It feels good (the clitoris stuff more than the actual P/V intercourse), I've made it clear to him that I'm happy and not terribly worried about orgasms and he shouldn't be either, but... is this normal? I mean, bless his heart, he has no idea what he's really doing and neither do I. Remember, we were both virgins when we met! It's been almost a year, but will it just naturally happen eventually as we keep getting more and more comfortable with sex and each other over time? I feel like the usual advice for having your first orgasm is to figure it on your own first through masturbation, but I have just never been able to get into masturbation. I've made half-hearted attempts once or twice for the sake of figuring out my own body to make sex with the fiance better, but it just seems weird. Much better when he's the one doing stuff, even if I never quite get to the O. Do I just need to suck it up and masturbate anyway? Do I just wait and see what happens with him?

Second, this is going to sound so ridiculous but when we do have P/V intercourse, he often seems to have trouble actually finding and entering the opening of my vagina. Sometimes I try to gently take his penis in my hand and guide it to the right place, but even that isn't 100% successful. It's actually weirdly hard for *both* of us to tell when he's hitting just the right spot. Intercourse just does not work effortlessly for us the way culture makes you think it's supposed to. Thoughts?

So yeah, mostly happy and well-adjusted late bloomer here, but looking for some outside perspective on these issues. Thank you!

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards!

I'm missing a few pieces of information in what you posted that will give me what I need to figure out how to best help you with this, so if you don't mind a couple questions:

1)When you mention masturbation in any of this, I'm assuming you only mean all by yourself? In other words, is all the same true -- and if not, how has that gone per pleasure and orgasm -- if you are masturbating with your partner present?
2) When you say you feel half-hearted with your own masturbation, how is that with your partner, when we're talking about arousal and excitement? Does all of this with him feel half-hearted, too, or are sexual activities with him things you feel and get very excited about?
3) Per your partner having some issues with your vulval and vaginal topography: has he spent time looking at your genitals, not just feeling around? Has he looked and explored with his fingers in order to get a better sense of things?

[butterfly288]

Wow, that was fast! Thanks! I'm heading out the door to do some errands but I wanted to write an answer first...

1) I've only ever tried masturbating by myself... not touching myself with him present.
2) I enjoy what we do together. I get aroused when he touches me, just not all the way to orgasm. (If he keeps going long enough, I sort of plateau for a while and then start to drift off and go from being aroused to being relaxed and sleepy, but there's no orgasm in between, it's just a gradual thing.) It's just masturbating that I feel "meh" about. On the other hand, I've never really tried it seriously beyond a little half-hearted rubbing followed by the thought that ugh, this just seems silly.
3) Some when we were first getting started, but not much lately... maybe it would be good to take a step back and ask him to do some more of that. He would if I asked, he's a great, no-pressure, totally-wants-me-to-be-comfortable kind of guy.

[Heather]

We aim for quick responses.

I'm curious -- when you're back -- if you have a sense of why you feel like masturbation is silly, but sex with a partner isn't. I ask that because sometimes people experiencing barriers both to masturbating and to orgasm sometimes are having issues with both because of certain ways of thinking about their sexuality that aren't very centered on themselves. Too, indeed, the vast majority of people, of all genders, first learn to orgasm through masturbation, and that's mostly because of the unlimited practice one can get and because it allows people to be 100% centered on their body, their responses, and to explore both very freely, often more so than a person might feel able to with a partner.

Does any of that mean people can ONLY learn through masturbation? Nope. But I do think it might be helpful, masturbation or not, to see if you can't figure out why it feels silly or meh to you, because there probably is at least a piece or two of this that's about that.

By all means, intercourse -- just like any kind of sex -- is not effortless. None of it can even happen without people actively making effort! And like any other kind of sex with someone, it often will involve guiding someone places, or using your words to help mesh together in the ways you both like. But if he also hasn't really explored your genitals -- with eyes, lights on, etc. -- it's going to be a lot harder for him to figure out what's what, especially since all his penis is going to feel until it is well inside the vagina is...well, a lot of warm flesh. In other words, the whole of the vulva and vaginal opening tends to feel pretty similar, which you probably know for yourself from your own touching.

Too, it's not like asking him to explore your vagina is asking for a favor. Clearly, this is someone who has an interest in your genitals, so I'm sure an invitation to explore them freely would most likely be considered a mighty nice invitation.

Lastly, if you're ever just kind of going through the motions with any kid of sex, or just "enduring," rather than taking part when you are still excited and enjoying yourself a lot, you'll want to try and stop or limit that, too. That's something else that tends to be a barrier for people figuring out what they like, what arouses and excites them, and, relatedly, what brings them to experience orgasm.

[butterfly288]

I guess maybe I feel self-conscious about trying to masturbate -- why, I don't know, since who do I think is going to see/judge me when I'm totally alone in the house?? Just the whole lack-of-experience thing, I guess. I should probably just keep at it and see if I can get over that hump. And, yes, asking him to just take some time to actually check out my vulva/vagina with his eyeballs (instead of just his fingers!) is an excellent idea.

Anyway, thank you... this has maybe been a little bit of you telling me things I already know, but it's good to have someone else's perspective. The bottom line is that I really love this guy and I want to be okay with a certain amount of awkward fumbling and not get too hung up on making perfect sex happen *right now*, but I also want to be making progress over time.

[Heather]

So, one thing that's kind of required for orgasm is being able to let go emotionally and sexually, which self-consciousness can get in the way of, big-time. So, whether or not you do wind up putting energy into masturbation again or not, seeing what you can do to address those self-conscious feelings is probably going to help you out some with this (on top of just making sex more interesting and enjoyable, period!). Masturbation is one way to work on that, but it's hardly the only one. And perhaps masturbation would feel more compelling and good for you if you worked on that in some other ways first, ways you feel more comfortable with already, or find have more interest for you.

You know, I'm personally a big fan of awkward fumbling. I know that maybe sounds weird, but awkwardness tends to help build a lot of intimacy, tends to inject some humour into sex and sexuality, helps people feel more comfortable being in their own skin, and whatever "perfect sex" is (since we're talking about people and bodies, perfect is never going to happen, so that whole idea tends to be pretty busted), I can't imagine it'd be half as compelling, interesting, fun and complex as the more human, awkward stuff tends to be.

In other words, I think awkwardness is underrated, and something that tends to be better when embraced then when people are trying to bypass it to get to a preconceived sexual ideal. When people get to a place or point in their lives where they tend to feel like their sexual life really rocks, it's usually when they've gotten super-cool and happy with things being imperfect, and sex being more of an adventure or process than a product or the delivery of something expected.