Things are getting better, plz continue in that trajectory

[johannes]

I wanna do a kind of update to my last/other post, it was quite whiny if I remember correctly. I've asked that girl I liked (through facebook) if she wanted to go out with me and she said no, but that's life. I'm going start a commune with a friend of mine (who I also wrote about in my other post), one of her boyfriend,s a mutual friend of ours and a fifth person I don't know. It’s not set in stone so I don't wanna jinx it by talking too much about it but it will be great and I have to move from my apartment in a couple of months so fingers crossed that things will work out.
I've also had my first sexual experience (sexting with someone I met online). I've also had a gal sleep in my bed just two nights ago (and it was completely unexpected would never had believed it if I was told that morning how the day would end). We didn't have sex (haven't done anything I would characterize as sex yet) but it was one of the best experiences of my life, lots of hugging and cuddling. She had a ton of qualities/attributes I'm super attracted to and I'm not talking about her appearance but she was very good looking as well.
It was so fucking amazing I don't really know what to do except that I really really really want to find a girlfriend soon because I wanna spend every night sharing a bed with someone, feeling their body next to mine and listening to them snoring, it was just so unbelievably nice.

[Heather]

In my experience, it's really important when this stuff feels like a need to first figure out what you can do to change it to a want. That need-space just really sets people up for relationships that aren't so great, as well as for people to often read them as desperate, which is not a thing that tends to draw healthy people to you.

[johannes]

Thank you, want was what I meant, but thanks for commenting on it could have been really bad if it was a need and not a want (which it is), what I should have written is that I really reallly really want a girlfriend. i'll edit it

[Heather]

Okay, so what I hear you saying, then, is that you have a strong want for someone else to sleep with you in bed, someone who you have a romantic relationship with. Do I have that right?

What else do you want with someone in a romantic relationship? And what do you see yourself offering another person in that regard right now?

[johannes]

It doesn't need to be a romantic relationship it could also be a new person every other night ( who I don't know from before) but that will probably be very hard and impractical I'm having trouble just finding one person to be romantically involved with. But yes I would want a girlfriend or a cfwb (close friend with benefit). What I would want out of the relationship apart from sleeping in bed is: having sex, practice bdsm (which I've learned doesn't need to be sexual so I have it as a separate point), going on dates with, go to social activities like sports, parties boardgame nights etc. I want us to do these things fairly regularly but there should be no expectation of doing them for either party we should only do these things because we are excited about doing them. Not because we “have to” or because we should do them since we are in some type of romantic relationship. I should also note that I do these things with my friends and that's great so basically what I'm saying is I want someone who is like my friend but we also sleep together and have sex.

I would be fine also with someone who I just share my bed with at night (no sex needed) just because that part was so nice when I did it a few nights ago but I think finding someone who just wants to do that is harder than someone who isn't also in my life in other ways which is what I really want anyways.

The things I can contribute with is being very sensitive to how others feel and I try being nice to people and make them feel comfortable. And if they are also a close friend I would do almost anything for them if it was something they really wanted and really was asking me to do for them. But I'm not a pushover and let people take advantage, I do tell my friends when I think they are being unfair or are doing something I think is crossing a line. I'm introverted but is still involved in some groups and activities so I could introduce a partner to a social activities. If you mean “materially” I have an apartment right now, I study and get a steady income from student lone + some extra work.

[Heather]

I didn't mean materially (but that's just me: I know some people incorporate that stuff into relationship wants and needs, but I really don't, which is probably personal bias on my part).

So, that looks like a really good list to me, all around! If you just keep all of that in mind as you date, hook up and pursue friendships, and then share some of those wants and can-gives to people you feel like would meet them and want them, too, then you've got a mighty good start.

Just FYI, I've had friendships with people who also really like to sleep with company and not alone, and have been happy to basically offer up slumber parties for them from time to time as a friend. It lets me get all might to hang out with them, and then they also get a want they have met. I found out that was a thing they really liked and wanted because they told me so, and I was listening, so pursuing that and finding some ways to have that could feasibly be just as easy for you!

[johannes]

Yes that's great advice. Thanks Heather!

[Heather]

Sure thing! I wish you the very best with this!