Picky Mother

[niayuki]

It's been a year and five months since I began dating my boyfriend and I honestly love him and his flaws. My boyfriend is about 5'7" and weighs under 100 pounds, he has tried everything to gain weight and visits the doctor frequently because of it but sadly he is still having a hard time on getting to the weight the doctor wants which is 120 pounds. My boyfriend is extremely selfconscious and has a hard time dealing with the fact that he looks "weak" as he says.

Now we are having problems with my mother because she believes I should breakup with him.This past week she has been telling me how he looks like a sick boy, that he is ugly and we don't "click".After saying all that and more she also said I can do better.She even told me to date other guys she knows that are more handsome and healthy. This has really shocked me because at the beginning of our relationship she said he was cute and looked like he really cared about me. I was so happy because she accepted him even though he wasn't the boy everyone wanted for me. I really don't know how to take this or what to do, it's been bugging me and I no longer feel like exposing my boyfriend to all this negativity so I decided that he will no longer come over to visit me so mom can't have a reason to talk about him :/

[Mo]

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that your mom's making those comments, that's really inappropriate and mean of her. Have you directly asked her to keep her opinions about your boyfriend to herself? If so, what was her reaction? Does she have any criticisms of his character, how he treats you, or anything else about the substance of your relationship, or is it all based on his appearance?

If she insists on continuing to insult even after you've asked her to stop, then I think it may indeed be best if you don't have him over for now. It's not fair if that's the case, but I can only imagine that it's stressful for both of you to hear those comments.

[niayuki]

I have never told her to keep her comments to herself because I fear she might find it disrespectful.I try to ignore it but honestly It's hard to hear her say such things.

She has only complained about him being to quiet and not very social with her.My boyfriend is a shy person the only time I've seen him talk a lot is when we are at school or when he is with his friends.

[Mo]

I think you could probably find a way to talk to her about this that isn't disrespectful. Maybe something like "mom, you've made your thoughts on [boyfriend] clear, but I feel pretty hurt when you keep insulting someone I care about and choose to spend time with. Can you stop making those comments around me?" You know your mom best and can tweak that to make it less likely to upset her, but I bet there's a way you could have this conversation. It's definitely not fair for you to hear all this bad stuff about your boyfriend.

[niayuki]

I wish she would understand but in most situations when I try to talk with her it ends up in an argument even if I plan just to explain how I feel.

It's very frustrating and my boyfriend already has low self-esteem because of his weight. I don't mind if he is skinny and not muscular all that matters is that he is healthy and his weight hasn't affected anything.He has been bullied in the past and his father bothers him because of his weight also so I don't want to put him through more.

[Ashleah]

Hi Niayuki,

It can be hurtful when the people close to us don't respect the decisions that we have made about our own relationships. A lot of times when people, especially parents, say things like this it is because they want the best for us. Ironically though, those opinions usually never take into account what is actually best for us or our feelings on the matter. So it's really more about her than you and what you want. Ultimately though, when a relationships is safe and healthy, what is most important is how you feel about your boyfriend. Seems like everything is good, so focus on those positive things and your feelings about your boyfriend as opposed to your moms. I think having a convo with her is worth a try as long as it would be safe for you to have. If you just don't feel comfortable with that, as Mo suggested not having him over as much is probably the best route. Also (not sure whether you have been or not), I would not share the things your mother is saying with him. He is already getting enough of this from everyone else and it could make him uncomfortable moving forward.

[niayuki]

It makes sence that she might be saying this because she wants the best for me. I myself have been bullied and I've learned looks are not everything. Since I began my relationship people have always said, What is she doing with that guy? Does she get paid?

These comments had affected us both and now having my mother comment on our relationship makes it worse. Whenever she mentions him or another boy I always tell her that my boyfriend might not be like the guys she wants for me but maybe once he starts to become an adult he will. There are many people that when they are teens most will say "they are ugly" but once they are adults it's a different story sadly.

I've suggested my boyfriend that if he wants to go out he can pick me up instead of staying at my house as we usually do. I'll try to speak with my mother about the situation if she mentions anything again. Hopefully she will try to understand how she is making us feel.

Oh and I forgot to mention I have told my boyfriend of what my mother has been saying because last Sunday he was using my phone and read the messages she had sent me. The messages were in spanish but he knew it was about him because she typed his name multiple times so I had to tell him. :/

[Heather]

Sounds like you need to create some boundaries with your mother about this, which you can do kindly and respectfully.

Something as simple as, "It may be some of what you have been saying about my boyfriend comes from concern for me, but I need to ask you to please stop talking about him that way. If you'd like to talk about me and your concerns about me, we can do that."

It can also help to make consequences clear when stating a limit, like, "And if you can't respect that limit, what I plan to do is just to walk away from those kinds of conversations."

[niayuki]

I'll try to set some boundaries,hopefully she will take it nicely. I've really tried to speak with my mother before it's a little tough because she isn't really good at listening or accepting things as a conversation.She usually takes it as if I'm disrespecting her.

[Heather]

Any chance you can have a conversation with her about THAT before this other talk?

[niayuki]

I once attempted to tell her that she didn't allow me to express myself or tell her something without getting mad or without thinking I was trying to boss her around. The times I've attempted she ends up mad or crying when I really don't try to make her feel bad I guess she might have some issues like low self-esteem. Honestly I don't know but the same has happened with my brother he tried to explain her what I was trying to say to her and she just told us if her parenting bothered us we should just leave the house.

[Sam W]

Hi niayuki,

I hope you don't mind my chiming in. One thing that might help with the boundaries conversation is to remind her that you are not setting these boundaries at her. You're creating them for you, so that you can be more comfortable in your daily life. Your setting them is not a commentary on her as a person or her parenting. In other words, see if you can head off the temper tantrum (which is what she's having) by explicitly stating that this is not personal.

And, in your experience, if you ask her to respect a boundary, even if she throws a fit, does she then respect it. Or does she ignore it (it sounds like the second one from how you describe her behavior towards your boyfriend, but I want to see if that's the exception or the rule)? If she still ignores them, then as Heather mentioned, it might help to figure out ways that you can enforce the boundaries that you need. That way, she starts to see that getting angry does not prevent the boundaries from occurring.

[niayuki]

Well I think my mother usually just ignores me if I ask her certain things that can relate to this. It's usually her way or nothing. Since I began highschool and dating it's gotten worse. Maybe it was like this before but since I was just a child I never really noticed her attitude.

[Sam W]

Ah, I see. I think a part of this may be that she's having trouble adjusting to the fact that you are growing up, and are hitting the point where more and more of your decisions (big and little) will be made without treating her view as the final word. But, whatever her reasons, it's still not pleasant to be around. So, I think this brings us back to idea of setting and enforcing boundaries that Heather mentioned. If you haven't, maybe try coming up with a list of things you could do to enforce a boundary when she ignores it (e.g the first time she says something nasty about your boyfriend, say "I don't want to discuss that, but how about this other topic?" If she won't drop it, leave the conversation and go do something else, preferably out of the house).

[niayuki]

Thank you everyone for your advice I'll try to use your advice when she mentions something about my boyfriend. Let's hope for the best!

The more flaws people find in him the more I accept him. No one should be judged by their physical appearance.