Confused about what boyfriend did to me last week :/

[Letter]

Sorry if this ends out long, I just need to get this off my chest... **Trigger warning**
2 years ago, I was hurt badly by one of my brother's older friends and a close family friend, ever since then, I've never been the same person I used to be. I have told my boyfriend (of 7 months) sort of what happened, and he's very supportive. However, last Monday, we ended up arguing a lot, and I was in a very bad state of mind and I relapsed and self-harmed after 1 1/5 years of being clean, I told him this and he did not handle it well. Throughout that week, I was in a poor state of mind and very depressed.
Last Saturday, we hung out, and he tried to have sex (we've done it many times before) I participated, but was sort of iffy about it... Halfway through, I had a panic attack, began crying my eyes out and even puked :/ he helped me and was very supportive throughout and got me to calm down, which I was so thankful for. But, not soon afterwards, he tried to have sex with me again, which shocked me considering what happened not long ago, and this time I just froze, didn't do anything, and felt a horrible feeling, I really did not want to. He then asked if I wanted to continue (as I felt "tense") I didn't reply, so he stopped.

I want to know why he did it, but I hate confrontation, and I'm so confused and torn about this... I feel so icky in the back of my mind that he might've hurt me, but it wasn't violent like my first one... I'm so confused, please help :/

[Johanna]

Welcome to Scarleteen, Letter! It sounds like you have been going through a lot of stuff and are in a pretty tough situation. I am so sorry to hear that! Before we talk about anything else, I want to make sure that you are safe right now, since you've said that you self-harmed. How are you feeling right now? Do you have any support, outside of your boyfriend? Anyone you can talk to when you are feeling upset?

I can understand that you're feeling confused about what your boyfriend did. It sounds like he wasn't were sensitive to your needs. I hear you saying that you think it might not have been assault, since it wasn't violent, but a situation doesn't have to be violent to be sexual assault. What matters is whether there was consent. And if he just "tried to have sex" with you, without checking in with you to make sure you aere interested in that, then that is not a situation in which consent was asked for or given. But what matters more than whether something qualifies as assault, is how you feel about it. You say you're feeling "icky", and confused and upset, and those are completely valid feelings.

I agree with you that it's a good idea to talk to your boyfriend about what happened. Do you have any idea what you would like to say to him? If you're feeling confused, maybe writing out what's on your mind can help you make sense of what you want to say. We are happy to serve as your sounding board!

[Letter]

Thank you for replying. I've been feeling very depressed since last week, but I promised him (my boyfriend) I wouldn't do it again, though there have been times where I was close. He is the only one who knows about the self-harm, as I don't feel comfortable talking about that with my friends.

I have no idea what to say to him, I don't want to hurt his feelings and make him feel compared to the likes of the "other person", but I just can't believe he'd do something so out of character. What would be recommended phrases to use to confront him gently?

[Johanna]

If you don't feel comfortable telling your friends, have you been able to talk to anyone in your family? Do they know you were assaulted two years ago, and have you had any help dealing with that?

As for what to tell your boyfriend, maybe you can start by writing out what you want to say to him. Just write it out here, with no regard for phrasing - we won't judge! - and then we can see how to word that so that you feel comfortable saying that to him and your point still comes across.

[Letter]

I can't talk with my mom, she's very supportive but I can't face telling her anything to do with the attack or self-harm. I did try and tell my current friends after it happened, but they refused to believe me and spread rumours, so I don't mention it to friends.

" about what happened on Saturday, I've been a bit affected by the second time you tried to have sex with me. Why did you do it, especially after what just happened before?" Is this definitely a talk we should have in person, do you think?

[Johanna]

I'm sorry to hear that your friends did not believe you. But if your mother is supportive, maybe you can give talking to her another try? When it comes to support systems, it's usually better to have more than one person in it, especially if that someone is a person we are dating.

I think what you have written here is a fine thing to say to your boyfriend! It sounds respectful, and it's still making clear how you feel and asking for answers. You know, I don't think you have to worry about not being gentle and sensitive enough - you are clearly a very caring, sensitive person. I'd actually suggest that you focus more on yourself, and how you are feeling, and making sure that you are heard, than on worrying about your boyfriend's feelings. You were hurt by his disrespectful behavior, and it's important that he hears that.

I do think this is a conversation to have in person, but if it makes you feel safer, you can write out what you want to say to him. That way, if you get flustered, you can look at what you've written.

[Letter]

I did what you said: wrote what I wanted yo say down, spoke to him face to face and talked about it. It was going okay, he understood, but he asked why I didn't say "no"... Before I could reluctantly answer, lessons started and we had to go. Afterwards, he was in a group, and completely ignored me, I sat next to him, and he put in headphones, which I found so childish and heartbreaking, and I don't know why he seemed so angry at me unfortunately, I had to quickly leave because I began crying for a long while in the toilets because of that... I feel like I'm back to square one because I still feel horrible and not like anything has been solved.

[Heather]

I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear that, Letter. That sounds just terrible.

Unfortunately, it's sounding to me like it may be that your boyfriend is either not currently able or willing to really step up here, take responsibility for his actions, and understand or give the kind of care you need right now. My best advice, personally, at this point, would be to see who you CAN surround yourself with who you know can provide real support and care.

Would you like help figuring out who that is for you right now? We could revisit talking with your Mom, since it sounds like she cares for you very much and you have a good relationship, or we could help get you connected with local resources for sexual assault/abuse survivors. Or, if there's another kind of help we can provide you besides helping you find more support, please let us know, and we'll help with whatever that is for you.

[Letter]

I'm sure that talking to my mother would be the best option, but I really don't want her to know. I've considered getting help somewhere, but I just don't know how to do it as I haven't been taught or told at all on how I would get help about it...

I really want to fix things up with my boyfriend, but we live far away from each other and we haven't got our licence yet, and he's always busy on weekends. The need to help myself or do something nice has completely left me since I relapsed :/
What would you recommend?

[Heather]

Again, I'd strongly recommend you figure out some kind of in-person support to seek out ASAP. Would you be open to talking with me about why you don't want your mother to know? Perhaps we can work through what feel like barriers with that for you, since she sounds like someone caring and supportive within reach, and even better, someone who knows you very well, which is really the ideal.

If you're not open to even talking about that, if you're willing to share your postal code with us, we can refer you to your closest Rape Crisis. They are a great organization, and we've had many users in the UK use them and report excellent experiences. If you're not comfortable doing that, you can use their website to find the location nearest you here: http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

[Heather]

I want to add that while I understand you know you're not in the right headspace to take the best care of yourself, please know that from someone feeling more capable and objective at the moment, focusing on communication with your boyfriend -- someone who harmed you -- is very much the last right thing when it comes to your own self-care.

There's also nothing for you to "fix" with him: you didn't do or break anything, Letter. This is about things he did, not you.

You also know from experience with disclosing about your relapse that even before this, he's shown you he's not capable of providing you good emotional support when you are in crisis. So, even without what he's done since, I'd not suggest him as someone to even put on your list of supportive people right now, let alone someone to stay focused on. I know it's hard right now, but I hope you can do your best to stay focused on you, and what's most likely to help you get through this and stay safe throughout, okay?

[Letter]

I do not want to talk to my mom about it, because I feel like it would change everything. The person who did it was her best friend's son.

My nearest crisis shelter is in Brighton and Hove...

I just want these negative feelings to go away, but exams are coming up, and stressful situations are where I'm most vulnerable. I feel so lonely and closed off, and I can't seem to speak with anybody. This is the first time I've ever gotten help for it.

[Heather]

I think the thing is that everything has already changed. Regardless of who you did or didn't tell, it's changed, and if you did tell, it wouldn't change because you asked for help: it'd change because HE changed this when he has acted as he has. That's a big part of why you feel so awful: everything has changed already, in a really bad way.

In other words, I hear you saying that if you told your Mom, it'd be you who changed everything. But again, this isn't on you, and that change has already happened. I think the difference here between telling and not is mostly about helping yourself or not, and you getting through this. Not telling doesn't make it so nothing changed: it just sets you up to have a much tougher time surviving it. Make sense?

I also find it helpful sometimes to try and put yourself in the other person's shoes: with someone you cared about probably more than anyone else, even if them telling you might be hard for you too, when they were in pain and needed your help, wouldn't you want to give it more than anything? Wouldn't them not being helped and supported be the worst thing of anything, even if what you're helping them with, and what they tell you, is also painful for you in some ways?

Even when it creates upheaval in our lives and other relationships, most of us are going to want to help the people we love the most when they need it, more than pretty much everything. No doubt, what your boyfriend did (has been doing? It sounds like he didn't behave well before this either, per what you said about his reaction to your relapse) will have a ripple effect, but again: what HE did, no matter what, telling or no telling. But I personally don't think you cutting yourself off from what sounds like your best support will help with that. All I see that primarily doing is hurting you more, and that hurts the people who love you more (probably sounds familiar if you've gotten help with self-harm, eh?).

None of that is meant to guilt-trip you, just to try and shift your headspace a bit out of self-blame, shame and fear and move you a bit more towards self-care and safety, and seeing that telling someone who can and wants to support you with this isn't something you need to protect them from, or that they'd likely want you to keep from them. You're the one in need of protection right now, okay?

It also isn't to suggest what your mother might want is what should come first: this is about you and your needs. I've said what I did in case you have it in your head that she'd not want to know when you DO want her support. If she loves you, she'd want to know.

The feeling you are having are not going to just go away, though I certainly understand wanting them to. I'm so glad you felt able to disclose here, that's a great first step, and I know it's a scary one. I know the next steps are, too, but for you to be able to work through these feelings, and be okay while you are having them, what we can best help you with next is taking your next steps. And that does mean telling someone besides us, someone who can help you in person: help you to stay safe from here on out, and help you to get through all of the aftermath with this in a way that really is all about caring for you best.

[Heather]

And in the event that you just do not feel you can do that yet, per telling your Mom, is that crisis center within reach of you? If not, how about starting by using their phone hotline?

[Heather]

I'm heading out for the day, btw, but I will back back tomorrow if you'd like to talk more, and other staff may also be here in the interim. If you need immediate care and support and no one is here, I suggest you call the Rape Crisis hotline. They really do a wonderful job, and are always within fast reach.