Physical affection & intimacy in relationships

[Heather]

I've been noticing over the years that we seem to get a lot of people with the idea that the only "acceptable" kind of relationship to experience general physical intimacy or affection -- like hugging, cuddling, hand-holding, sleeping together (not having sex, actually sleeping), kissing -- is one that is romantic or sexual. And something else that often comes up is the idea that if someone wants these kinds of things, they have to find a romantic or sexual relationship, rather than seeking them out in other kinds of relationships.

Yet, this kind of affection and intimacy can be, and often is, part of so many kinds of relationships -- between parents and children or between friends, for example. It's not something exclusive to romantic or sexual relationships. Just like these kinds of affection and intimacy aren't always sexual even in a sexual relationship, the same goes for them in other kinds of relationships.

How do all of you feel about this, and what are your thoughts and ideas? If it seems to you that this kind of affection or intimacy isn't okay in relationships that aren't expressly sexual or romantic -- or isn't okay to have in other relationships when you're in something sexual or romantic -- can you talk about why you feel that way? I'm curious!

[Johanna]

This is such a good topic!

I think a physical dimension can be a really important part of a friendship. It doesn't work in every friendship, but if the dynamics are right and it feels good for both people, I feel like it tends to just happen organically, and I really enjoy when it does. The closest friendship in my life for some years definitely includes cuddling and kissing, and we've also slept in the same bed together. That intimacy just feels very normal for us, and has nothing do with romance (my friend is actually in a monogamous relationship).

It doesn't always work so well though, sadly. Because there seems to be such a strong connection between pyhsical intimacy and romantic relationships, not everyone feels comfortable having intimacy in their friendships. I've also had friendships where the other person felt like intimacy meant that we were moving towards a romantic relationship, or where when we talked about it and made sure to establish where we're at, they still felt it was a wierd blurring of boundaries that they could not deal with.

[Atonement]

I would say it's a cultural thing, but it varies so much, even between families.

For me personally, other than hugs, I generally have no desire to touch someone outside of sexual attraction.

My mom and brother, on the other hand, are so touchy-feely. It's totally normal for them to walk with their arms around people or on their shoulders.

I'm constantly having to remind my brother about my personal space radius. The other day, my mom linked arms with me in the mall and it just felt so uncomfortable.

These are both people who I was raised with and have very good relationships. I've always thought that the fact that we have such drastically different comfort zones when it comes to touching is interesting

[SilentDragon]

While I generally tend to crave physical affection (I call it the cuddle-deficit), it is hard for me to incorporate it into my friendships because I'm very touch-averse when it comes to people I don't know very well. New friends pick up on this and respectfully keep their distance, but once we've known each other better/longer, I find it difficult to bring up the subject with them.

The other thing that tends to cause me to avoid physical affection with family and friends is my sexuality. Even though I'm not really out to anyone, I'm afraid of my past and future completely platonic gestures of physical affection with friends and family of the same sex being precieved as sexual when I do come out to them.