Your Wishes Around Parents and Sex

[Sam W]

So, we'll be launching a new section of Scarleteen soon, one that's aimed at parents. Specifically, we want to create a space to talk with parents about what their teens wish they knew/would do (or not do) around sex (and that includes things like body image, relationships, and sexual orientation/gender identity).

One of the pieces we want to include is a list of specific things that y'all wish you parents understood about you, or things that they do that are helpful or not when it comes to sexual stuff. What we want to do is open it up to you, our users, to have a say in what you want us to communicate to the parents of the world.

I do want to say, we may end up pulling direct quotes depending on the type of responses we get. If you don't make a note otherwise, we'll attribute it to your username. If you're not comfortable with that, just include a note in your post to that effect so we know to keep you anonymous.

[punkskulls]

I wish my parents understood that my sexuality is valid, that i am not gay nor straight, but have a fluid sexuality and like people of all gender identities. I wish my parents would have been open to my sexuality and learning about all the different kinds and shapes that sexualities and gender identities come in, instead of labeling people based on the prejudices they learned when they were kids. I wish my parents would be more open, and not as entrenched in their prejudiced beliefs about sexuality that harm my relationship and my trust in them.

I also wish my parents would act more like guides and facilitators to life than authoritarian figures I must figure a way around. I wish I could seriously talk to them about sex, about birth control, about sexuality. I wish they understood I am a sexual person. I wish they respected my choices and treated me more like a person who is beginning to have autonomy over my life, take responsibility for my choices, and dictating the values I will life by. I wish that through this phase of my life, the phase where I am figuring out who I am, that they would guide me through it by using their own life experience, instead of saying only their life experience is valid/good.

I desperately want guidance, acceptance, support and love in navigating my sexual life (something i will live with until i die). I wish I could have received it from them instead of Tumblr, Scarleteen and feminist websites. Instead I receive fear and threats about not having sex and not being queer, which has turned me into a highly anxious and paranoid person in relation to pregnancy, because i fear my parents would not let me have an abortion if my birth control were to fail. I wish i did not have to sneak around to have sex, because I hate lying and sneaking around has been more than humiliating and tiring.

Lastly, parents, do not try to impose your will upon your children when they are 14+ (or ever, really). Mature conversations where both sides are heard and a compromise is reached is much more efficient, and not to say healthier, than being an authoritarian figure. Furthermore, challenge your views on life, sexuality, gender etc. Reason, debate with yourself, find arguments, challenge yourself. Never stop learning, and never become entrenched in the prejudices you have been taught. Have empathy above all else. You will not only be a better citizen, you will also be a better parent.

[Atonement]

Here's a couple I can think of off the top of my head:

I wish my mother wouldn't say negative things about people's bodies, mostly herself and celebrities. Even if she doesn't say negative things about mine, I sometimes find myself feeling like she judges my body when I see how she talks about other people, some of whom are thinner than me.

I wish she was more educated herself so I did't have to unlearn so much incorrect information. By the age of 17, thanks to Scarleteen, I knew that most of the things she told me about sex were myths that she genuinely believed. Over the past couple years, I've had to teach her the truth about the hymen myth, general guidelines for protection and screening, and that HIV did not originate from homosexuals. Thankfully she's changed a lot since I was a teen, and she's happy to learn now, but when I was younger these were not things that were open for discussion.

If I think of anything else, I'll post again.

[MoonStone7]

I wish my parents and I could have serious discussions about sex. I wish they treated me like I was mature, and not just a kid who should be kept innocent for the rest of her life.

I wish my parents were more open to talking about sex, and I wish they could make me feel more comfortable to talk to them about it. I wish they wouldn't repress these talks and leave me to deal with it by myself later.

I wish that my parents weren't homophobic and are open to all types of gender identities. Even though I'm straight, I wish my parents understood that being gay/bi/trans, etc. is not a choice or a lifestyle decision, and that it is the way someone is born. I wish they felt as if everyone is equal.

I wish my parents didn't act like they don't know what sex is, and that whenever I mention it, they don't say "what are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about." I wish that my parents and I could have realistic and mature conversations.

Most of all, I wish that my parents could treat me as a mature teenager, and not feel as if I'm still a child who needs to be protected and told what to do 24/7.

[SilentDragon]

I wish my parents (all 4 of them) had gotten better sex-ed themselves (not exactly their fault, I know), so that they didn't pass along unhelpful myths to me. I, also, wish my mother could talk about sex without feeling really uncomfortable, and I wish my dad wouldn't talk about sex as if it's the greatest thing ever. Both attitudes have made it difficult for me to talk to them about my experiences with sexual abuse and assault. I wish my mother and stepmother could accept and understand that I don't ever want biological children and that I would like to get my tubes tied. I wish I didn't have to fear their potential reactions when I come out as not-straight to them. I wish my stepfather wouldn't watch so many movies and shows with rape scenes when my sisters and I are around. I wish I didn't have to be the one to help my younger sisters unlearn harmful myths taught to them by society and our parents. But mostly I wish I knew a way to tell them all of this in a way they would easily accept and understand.

[Olivia15]

I wish my parents would understand that they can't stop their kids from having sex, and that I could have had someone to talk to about birth control, healthy sexual relationships, and healthy sexuality instead of having to figure it out all by myself. One of my best friends mom goes on trips with her to lovers and helps her buy condoms and lube and the things she needs, and I've always been jealous that I never could have that kind of relationship with my own mom.

[Sunshine]

I wish more parents were like my mother when it comes to their kids sexual lives and questions. We've had our problems, but at this part of being a mom, she was and is wonderful: Answered every question without judging or ridiculing me for wanting to know, always honest, straight-forward, matter-of-fact. I could always talk to her about anything I wanted to share, but she respected my privacy and never pried. She lives her values, but doesn't impose them on other people. My favorites among her sayings include: "if you're old enough for the question, you're old enough for the answer" and "if you don't let them do it safely in the bedroom, they'll do it in the car."

I never wanted my mother to be my best friend, and she isn't, but she's an invaluable wise old bird and I wish every girl had a woman like that to turn to.

[katkit0598]

So, we'll be launching a new section of Scarleteen soon, one that's aimed at parents.

Has this space been launched? If so, where can I find it. This could truely be an amazing addition to the scarleteen website.

I, like others here sharing their stories, wish I could have parents who facilitated safe and educated sex/sexual decisions in my life, rather than forcing me to sneak and lie to them where im left on my own to figure things out as I go. I don't want to lie to them at 17 about what im doing. I would love to be open with them about it all. I think it would be amazing to have a website where my mom could browse through lots of educated and open discussion on all things sex, where her opinion can be influenced as she learns all about other styles of parenting and situations other persons my age are experiencing. Luckily I haven't run into any problems in my sex life so far but it sucks knowing that if I were to ever be raped or abused sexually, I wouldnt feel comfortable talking to my own mother about it. :/

[Karyn]

It has been launched! It's on tumblr, here: http://www.scarleteen.com/about_scarleteen_confidential

Or you can find all the pieces on the main site under the "Scarleteen Confidential" tag, here: http://www.scarleteen.com/tags/scarleteen_confidential