I told my Dad I had Sex

[BabyRedbirde]

(Sorry if this is long, theres just a lot to this story)
I'm a 16 year old girl living with only my dad since my mom moved to Texas to take care of my grandma. When I was 15 1/2 I was eager to lose my virginity. I didn't see a point in keeping it and I just wanted to get it out of the way. So at my towns local carnival, I met up with a guy I met on Hot or Not, and he brought alcohol and weed and we had sex in the back of his sports car in the Target parking lot. I didn't really get it at the time because of the alcohol, but what went on in his car, he actually raped me and I didn't even realize it for a few days.

Because of this, I broke down. I was a mess, and even had a pregnancy scare. I never went to the police cause u never wanted to have to deal with the situation again.

A few months later, I met a guy a few years older than me, and we clicked. He was everything I wanted in a guy, and I was his image of a perfect woman. Because I'm a very honest and open person, I told him what happened to me before. He hated that someone would do that to me and was mad I didn't tell anyone about it, but he let it go, and we ended up dating for 7 more months and still are.

I was talking to my brother, who is twice my age now, and he thought I should tell my dad I'd been having sex with my boyfriend, that he would understand and be glad I have a good sex life and I enjoy it. So without thinking, I told him. He wasn't mad, he just said don't get pregnant and don't let it interfere with my grades.

Now when I relayed to my boyfriend I had told my dad, he was angry with me because I told our secret. He didn't want anyone to know we had sex, and was mad because I told him about only him not my carnival night. I didn't understand why it was such a big deal.

I went downstairs before going to take a walk and stopped in my dads room to tell him my boyfriend wasn't my first, and my first was a drunken night at carnival where a guy raped me.

Later that week, my boyfriend was suppose to pick me up, but had to bail at the last minute because his brother was really sick and he had to stay home and take care of him. I didn't have any other options but to call my dad, and I knew he was going to be with his girlfriend that night, and I would get in the way of his plans. As soon as he said he would come get me, my boyfriend texted saying he could also pick me up but he would have to be fast. I assumed my dad was home with his girlfriend and it was a half an hour drive to where I was, so I told him to not. He got very angry and told me I should consider myself grounded, and to stay where I was.

Now, I got very emotional because my boyfriend doesn't go to my school, so I only see him when we both have free time, and started crying. When I got in the car with my dad, he said my judgement was under review. I didn't say anything, but I felt like in a way it was a low blow to what I'd been doing with my boyfriend.we didn't talk for 2 days except once when he told me to put the dogs our the next morning because he was going to watch a race at his girlfriends house.

What does any of this mean? Is he making a blow towards my decision to have sex with my boyfriend? Please help with any part of this you can.

[Johanna]

Welcome to Scarleteen, BabyRedbirde!

There is a lot of stuff going on in your life that we could talk about here (and if you're up for it I would really like to talk to you about your relationship with your boyfriend because I see some red flags there), but it sounds to me like your primary focus right now is your relationship with your father. Do I have that right? Can you tell me how your relationship with your father is like, otherwise? It sounds like you're pretty close?

[BabyRedbirde]

Kind of. He has always given me a lot of freedom with what I do, probably because he knows I'll find other ways to do it if I really want to. But because my life is here, I choose not to move with my mom to Texas. Just recently I feel like there have been a lot of problems, and I'm still not sure if I should have told him about having sex with my boyfriend, and whether I regret telling him or not. Since dating him my grades have actually gotten a lot better, and I feel like he is judging me for making that decision so young. Well, young compared to him, he is 72 as of recently, and I feel like that age gap makes him more critical of my choices

[Johanna]

Have you talked to your father about your feelings that your relationship with him feels problematic lately? Has he voiced specifically feeling like you made the wrong decision about being sexually active with your partner? Because it sounded to me like he was fairly cool in his reaction when you told him you're having sex, so he may have different reasons for being distant with you right now. And if you two get along well normally, I think it's worth it to ask your father about what is going on right now, and make an effort to have that open, honest conversation. Good relationships with parents are awesome things to have, and I think it's important to try and maintain them by giving them the benefit of the doubt and allowing them to explain their reasoning to you.

[BabyRedbirde]

You are right, I should talk with him. And I know I should deep down, I am just hesitant to actually talk with my dad about it. He said in one of our previous conversations about sex he thought I was too young, but I don't think age really matters, as long as you enjoy it and are safe about it. I guess I'm just scared about what he will have to say, or how to even initiate that kind of conversation

[Heather]

You know, looking at this, it still sounds to me like, on the whole, your Dad has been pretty supportive around your choice to have sex, as well as around your sexual assault. He may have his own feelings about something like age, but it sounds like he's still been pretty good at having those thoughts or feelings, but still being supportive of you. And that's usually a sign of good parenting when it comes to sex: parents and children will often have different feelings and ideas, but that only has to be a problem if they can't acknowledge those and still be supportive, even with any disagreements.

My guess is that those red flags Joey mentioned might also be things your Dad is picking up on, and the issues he's having may more likely be based in concerns about WHO you are in a relationship with (and not how old they are), and what that relationship is like than about sex. Personally, when you said your boyfriend was asking you to keep sex a secret, mad at you when you told a family member, mad at you for not reporting your rape, etc. I was feeling pretty concerned myself, because those kinds of things tend to be things that happen in unhealthy or even emotionally abusive relationships. I can't know what your Dad meant by your "judgment needing review" (but that is something you can ask him when you two talk), but if by that he meant looking at your choices with your intimate relationship, by all means, if and when we suspect that we or someone we care about may be in something emotionally unsafe or dysfunctional, reviewing that IS a thing we all want to do, you know?

And sometimes -- maybe this has happened with you and friends? -- we can have a bad vibe around someone's relationship, but not know why, or react to those feelings without even having a real sense of what we're reacting to, if that makes sense.

But of course, this is all stuff you really want to talk to your Dad about, and ask him about, since he's the only one who knows what he's feeling and thinking, and what his concerns are.

In terms of how to start a talk like this, often a very good entry point with the kind of relationship it sounds like you and your Dad have is to ask if he can make some time to talk with you, because you value your relationship together, and are feeling like it's in conflict right now. And you want to work that out, not let it just fester, because you don't want it to sour your relationship. Chances are you are going to get a yes to that.

From there, once you make and have time, you can just ask your Dad to talk about how he's feeling and what he's concerned about. You listen to what he has to say, and then you take your turn to respond to what he's said. And you two take it from there, really listening to each other as you go, which can sometimes mean either of you reminding the other to please not interrupt, and to just instead listen and take turns.

You also can start the conversation yourself by telling him you feel nervous about it, and sharing the things you are scared of him saying. That's one good way to address fears like that because then you can find out, right away, how real they are.

How does that sound?

By the way, I want to add that telling someone you're in a given relationship or having sex when you want to tell them is never the wrong thing. It's asking someone to isolate themselves and keep those things big secrets from everyone -- especially the people they are closest to in their lives! -- that's so, so very not okay.

[BabyRedbirde]

Thank you for all the advice concerning my relationship with my father! It's been very helpful and I think I'm starting to get the courage to go and talk to him.

Where my boyfriend is concerned, I feel like I haven't been very clear on the matter.

My dad and my boyfriend get along very well, and my dad has approved of him. He only didn't want me to tell my father because he is afraid my father might accidentally slip and tell his parents. My boyfriend comes from a very Christian family, both his parents are pastors. He just doesn't want his parents to know he is having sex now. Just like I'd hate for my mom to find out I've been having sex. Its not a matter of shame or regret or embarrassment, we both just are not ready to deal with the drama that come with those select people finding out. Ya know?

He wasnt as mad with me about bot going to the police, as he was that I had kept it all inside and didn't have anyone to talk to about it, and he could see it eating away at me. He was also mad at the person who raped me, being that he lied about his age, and was actually 21 at the time, and I thought he was 18 with a fake ID. He has always been very respectful of the choices I make, and doesn't mind when I talk about sex with my brother or friends. I love him dearly, and know he loves me also.

[Heather]

Do you want to talk with us about your relationship with your boyfriend yet? We can if you want, but it sounded to us like the first order of business here really is getting started on working things out with your Dad, which is why that's been our main focus so far.

[BabyRedbirde]

I'm open to talking about both

[Heather]

Want to fill me in on what you'd like us to talk with you about so far as your boyfriend goes?

[BabyRedbirde]

Umm, the red flags? Personally I don't see much problems with my boyfriend, and it is practically impossible for me to stay mad at him unless he did something terrible. He just has an aura that makes everyone around him happy, and it's like his super power to make people laugh. He has helped me through a lot of personal problems, and guided me through a lot of things. He has comforted me when I have a breakdown and has been there to male me laugh when I don't want to, and has helped me not only that way, but professionally. He is helping me build a better resume and search for jobs and helping me find a car.

[Heather]

Sure. I can't speak to the whole of your relationship, since I obviously know so little about it. If you want to talk about how that's been over the last two or three months that you've been dating, I'm certainly happy to listen, and if you want a lot from us about this, we will have to know more so we're not talking out our butts.

But what I can do is perhaps start with one of the things I brought up, and then you responded to, to talk about the things we are seeing or worried about that you have posted about?

Like, I voiced concern about your boyfriend being mad about you telling your Dad. You said that was because your boyfriend's family is religious, and he doesn't want them to know, so he says because he wants to keep it a secret, that means you have to.

The healthy way, though, and the way that's respectful to someone else, to handle that situation isn't that way, though. Rather, it'd be more like that person choosing not to have sex until they either work that out with their parents, or get their own place where they can have distance from their parents, and thus, then only have sexual partners when they and their lives are ready to do that in a way that's healthy for everyone, which means not asking anyone to keep their secrets for them, and cut themselves off from the other people in their lives by hiding things from them they'd prefer to share.

In other words, in a healthy relationship, a partner who wants their secrets kept would own that, and make sure they didn't ask anything of a partner to keep their secrets -- for their own personal benefit -- that shut them off from the other people in their lives, or from support or help they might want, and thus, need to tell to ask for. In healthy relationships, we don't do things that will isolate someone else from others in their lives in any way. All the more when it's if we just want to cover our own butts and get what we want, without having to wait and/or first make changes of our own, in our own lives, to assure that getting what we want when it involves someone else, will actually be healthy and okay for both of us, and that getting what we want won't be at the expense of the other person, or take things away from them.

See the deal with that?

[BabyRedbirde]

Somewhat. I can understand that point of view, but I also don't exactly want his parents to know, considering I go to the same church they pastor for. just like he keeps some of my secrets that I don't want his family knowing. For instance, that my father has a nasty temper, or when myou mother was here, she was very verbally abusive. I'm positive his parents would still love and accept him and me, but We just feel like now isn't the time to come out about it.

[BabyRedbirde]

And an update with my Dad, I went to talk to him, and he did say that my decisions regarding not doing anything about the rape, and having sex with John were parts of the reason he said my judgement is under review

[Heather]

For now, because I'm heading out from work for the day (I'll be back tomorrow, though, as will Johanna), I'm going to put a pin in this, and we can pick any of it back up tomorrow if you like.

I'm glad to hear that about your Dad: were you able to ask him to set aside time with you for this talk? If not, I'd encourage that, and to try and save most of this talk for then. Talks like these -- and kind of working through conflict, really, in every kind of relationship -- just tend to go better, and be most productive for everyone, when people can really fully dedicate their energy and attention to them, and have the kind of time to really think and talk things through.

[BabyRedbirde]

Alright, I'd be happy if you would continue this conversation with me, as well as Johanna.

[Heather]

I'm around whenever you are! Will be here working today until around 1:00 PM.

[Heather]

Just wanted to check in with you and see how you're doing.

[BabyRedbirde]

Apologies, I've been extremely busy these last few days. Thing have gotten better, I'm at least talking more with my dad more. I did speak with him and he did admit that my choices with my boyfriend were partially the reason my judgement is being re-evaluated. Things have been good with my boyfriend, I've been stressing a lot lately so I caught a cold a fee days ago, but because I'm so busy, I still have to do the things that's causing me so much stress. And I'm having a bit of a breakdown right now for other reasons, and on and on...

[Heather]

No need for apologies: this is for you, so if you didn't want to talk more, that's okay. I just wanted to check in to be sure.

[BabyRedbirde]

I would like to discuss more if it isn't a problem, any ideas as to what to discuss?

[Heather]

Not a problem at all, that's what we're here for! What would you like to discuss? You say you want to, so you probably have ideas about what you want to, right?

[BabyRedbirde]

Ummm, not really. Sorry I'm not the best at initiating conversation. I guess lately it just seems like I can't do enough to please him. I've been trying hard to get a good grade in school for the year, but that takes up a lot of my time. I am supposed to wash my dogs every weekend, but I've been so busy, friends birthdays, studying constantly for final exams, I just haven't had the times for a lot of things. I've gone days without eating dinner or having a shower because doing that was too time consuming and lately there just aren't enough hours in a day. I'm so busy I HAVE to choose my future over my current state. But even trying as hard as I am, he still only seems to see that I haven't fulfilled my obligations to wash my dogs.

[BabyRedbirde]

However I am exceptionally good at ranting

[Heather]

LOL. Well, that's a fine skill to have.

What I see in your last post that has me most concerned is you saying you don't have enough time for the most basic of self-care and self-keeping: bathing, eating, sleeping. That's a thing you want to fix even if and when no one else has any issues, because that's just not a sound way to live, particularly if you want to keep living and do so without big physical and mental health issues cropping up for you.

Would you like some help taking a look at everything on your plate, then seeing what you can do to at LEAST make room for that essential and basic self-care, and maybe some room for some more self-care that isn't just the stuff that keeps you alive and not coated in bacteria?

Extra bonus: if this is also part of your Dad's concern -- which if so, is good, that's just someone who cares about you caring about you and is being a parent in the most basic ways -- then fixing this also will help with the conflicts between the two of you.