Indecisive

[marmalade]

So, if you knew me as a person, you'd know i'm the most indecisive pickle in the entire world. And even sometimes after I think about it, I don't end up choosing the thing I really wanted.

Question one which is pretty unrelated, any tips on how to figure out what I want?

Now, diving into the main problem.. For the longest time I thought that maybe I'd want to be male (I'm female) but I've always just been confused about the whole thing. It didn't seem exactly.. right. I love being feminine and putting on makeup and such so then I started thinking maybe I'd just be a feminine male, or societies feminine standard in a way. I think maybe I want the body but I want my clothes and makeup still? Maybe I'm genderqueer? << (Me being indecisive). The feeling of male pronouns kind of give me an uneasy feeling and I don't know if I like that either. Any one have any solutions/shortcuts to helping me understand?

[Eddie C]

The great thing about sex, sexuality, gender, etc, is that you don't have to marry to any label if you don't want to, you know? Sexuality is something so fluid that it can change as many times as you feel like it.

Being indecisive is not a bad thing. Experimenting is actually the only way to get where you want to.

I am going to let someone else with more experience answer to your question but I didn't want you to feel it went unnoticed. I believe other volunteers gave you this link before but is always a good one to re-read.

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodie ... der_primer

[dday76]

I agree with Edith. You don't have to decide. Just do what feels right (safety first of course). You never have to pick a label, and if you do pick a label, you can switch whenever you like.
You might consider picking something extreme. Go all frilly dresses and makeup - traditional girl. Then try pants and button-downs and a short haircut - traditional boy for a while.You can even request male pronouns and see how that suits you. Then go makeup, high heels, and pants, and a shirt - something off the gender binary. Try some extremes and that might help you better understand what you like, even if somewhere in the middle or off the spectrum is most comfortable. (Fair warning: you might lose a few fake friends, but you'll probably find some real friends too.)

If someone tries to place you somewhere in the culture wars about transgender identity, you might explain you're not trans or at least not as far as you know, if I've read correctly that you don't identify as trans. Bathrooms, gender pronouns, and other types of trans inclusion and equality are hard-won and the battle isn't over. Important to that battle is that people don't demand rights unless they're certain. So if there are strict gender restrictions (really just boy scouts, girl scouts, bathrooms... not sure what else), try not to push in that direction until you're sure you want to commit to living with that gender identity. It's not that you can't or shouldn't be able to, it's just a part of contemporary 'culture wars' and you can help by respecting some of those barriers in order to help others break them down.

That caveat aside... basically all the time, you can try things out without having to be decisive, and if you want to, you should try it out.

[Karyn]

Hey marmalade. Not sure if you're already aware of the awesomeness that is Genderfork, but you might find it useful just in terms of getting an idea of all the many, many forms gender expression and identity can take. (They also have a forum, and are on Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter.)

[Flea]

I agree with all the above and I'd add that if you like you could also try packing and see how that affects your mental state. Maybe keep a little diary on what things do and don't make you comfortable and you can slowly compile a list of what it is that makes you happy to help you know who you are. Also look into stuff like gender fluidity

[marmalade]

The problem is that i'm not out yet to my parents or anyone besides my best friend and I don't plan to come out until I figure out who I am... How can I experiment without people knowing??

[Emma]

You're not required to "come out" or identify as anything right away (or ever)--as long as you're not in any danger, wearing things or behaving outside of the gendered norms without officially "identifying" as nonbinary is totally acceptable--you can still publicly identify as cis and play with your presentation as much as you'd like!

[dday76]

The problem is that i'm not out yet to my parents or anyone besides my best friend and I don't plan to come out until I figure out who I am... How can I experiment without people knowing??

It sounds like you're sure you want to experiment, and that's something. People often use that word 'experiment' to belittle traits about someone they don't like, so in that sense it's bad, but in your case, you might use it to help your coming out process.
If you are actually experimenting and call it that then parents and others who are less comfortable with you being something other than binary/straight/whatever "normal" in their eyes, then telling them it's 'just an experiment' might make them feel better.

No guarantee on that though. A separate conversation is about how to find out how your parents might react. We could talk about that if you want to find a way to get their sense of things before you experiment. If they have a roof over your head, you should protect that first, for the short term at least.