trouble feeling good?

[Olivia15]

So i recently started doing manual/oral with my new boyfriend, and everything is going good for him, but I'm having a hard time getting a lot out of it. A lot of the times, when he's trying to do me, the stimulation becomes painful and we have to stop, while other things, such as oral, don't seem to give much pleasure at all. penetration with fingers, while it's easy for me to do by myself, can become painful when he tries to do it. We also can't get more than one finger in at a time. We've talked about it, but we can't figure out why it's so hard for me to feel good. I'm defiantly attracted to him, and really want it, so why isn't it working? Thanks for the help~

[Sam W]

Hi olivecon,

There are a couple of things going on here. One, especially with the manual sex, could be a lack of lube. Even if you are aroused, many people find that adding in more lube makes penetration more pleasant. Something else is to slow down and do even more foreplay prior to trying manual and oral sex (even if you're attracted to him, it usually takes some stimulation to get aroused). It can also help to masturbate, either with him watching or on your own to figure out what feels good and what doesn't for you body.

And, not everyone likes every sex act. It may be that you don't enjoy oral sex, and that's totally okay

[Olivia15]

Do you mean adding in a lube that you buy at a store or something? I never really thought about buying or even looking at this sort of stuff because we decided not to have sex yet. We both live at home so idk where i would store that sort of thing haha. Can you buy it under 18?
Also, a question about oral, does the saliva get rid of/dry up your natural lube (or the lube you might buy)? I noticed a few times that we would do manual on me, switch to oral, and back to manual and it would be really difficult again. Is it the saliva? or could it be something else?

[Sam W]

Yep, that kind of lube You can find it at most drugstores (like walgreens, target, etc) and can buy it if you're under 18 (things like astroglide).

That might have more to with you not finding oral sex that pleasurable, so some of your natural lube goes away.

[Olivia15]

So saliva doesn't dry it up, or "licking it away" isn't really the issue i'm encountering? Could saliva be used AS a lube or is this just a bad idea?

[Sam W]

Saliva does provide some lubrication, but many folks find that they still need some additional lube. Too, for oral sex, dental dams and condoms (which come in flavors!) will help as well.

[Heather]

I wanted to also add a couple things:

1) How turned on and excited do you feel before you even start any of these activities? If it's a lot, are you staying that excited throughout, or not?

2) If the strong desires and excitement are there, and you are doing things like using lube as needed, and stopping or adjusting with these activities but still finding they hurt or just don't feel good, it may just be that these things, or these things with this partner, or the way your partner and yourself are doing them just isn't your thing. Like Sam said, people often don't like every single sexual thing we can do, or don't always like given activities with a specific partner.

3) Lastly, how is your own masturbation going? Are you bringing what you know and like from that to any kind of sex with your partner to better help you both find what you may enjoy doing together? For example, if you do like your own fingers inside your vagina, are you showing him how you do that so he can learn how to use his with you in ways more likely to feel good?

[Olivia15]

So recently I talked to my boyfriend about getting a lube, and we bought astroglide sensitive skin gel (water based), but sadly the product itself was really sticky and seemed to just make me even drier. I looked online and found that water based lubes often get sticky really easily. My friend gave me a sample of a silicone lube that I haven't tried yet. Is my vagina just not big enough? When me and my friend were at the sex store, she bought me a small vibrator, which i tried to use with the astroglide, but I had a super hard/painful time getting it in, even with the lube. Ive never really been able to put more than one finger in at a time. My boyfriend has bigger hands/fingers than me, so maybe this is the problem? This has all been super frustrating for me because it seems like no matter what i'm doing nothing is working If i can't even get a small vibrator in with lube, how will i ever even be able to have sex?

[Sam W]

Hi Olivia,

First off, good call trying out the lube. Keep experimenting with it until you find one that works for you.

I think something that is likely going on here is that you are nervous or anxious when you're trying to insert things, which is causing you to tense up, which makes inserting things harder. When you're masturbating, try spending a lot of time just exploring the external parts of your body (with or without the vibrator) until you feel relaxed and aroused. Try not to force or pressure yourself into insertion. The same goes for partnered sex. It may be that you need a lot of time to relax and get in the mood, or that you and your boyfriend need to focus on non-penetrative stuff right now.

It can also help to think about whether or not there are any stressors (school, work, etc) that might be making you tense.

[Heather]

So, vaginas don't actually come in static sizes like pants. Rather, more like a sock, the vagina expands around whatever is inside of it. And how stretchy it is or isn't mostly depends on how relaxed and turned on the person it belongs to is.

So, can you take a look at the questions I last asked you and pitch in on those? Having that information would help us help you figure out what the issue here is likely to be, and the best way to approach it.

I'd add a new question, which is that even with his or your fingers, you talk about what is hurting or not, but NOT about what, if any of this, is feeling GOOD to you. Is any of it? If so, what is feeling good so far, rather than just not hurting?