first time having sex

[h_17]

My boyfriend and I have decided to consider having sex for the first time (we are both virgins). I was hoping you could please answer some questions I have on the topic.

I have done some research on how to practice safer sex such as how to properly put on condoms and look out for the expiration date etc. I'm a bit concerned, however, as all I hear is that condoms can easily break and I'm not sure whether I can really rely on them. Pregnancy is something that I must avoid, particularly at my age.

This is why I have also tried to work out when, in my cycle, I am the most fertile/ovulating. However, this is hard for me to determine as my period is a little irregular. The cycle length tends to be anywhere between 31 and 34 days apart from one cycle in April which was only 26 days long. I have kept track of my periods using an app but I'm not sure how trustworthy it is in telling me when I am fertile. Would I be correct in saying that, although it is possible to get preganant at any time, I would be less likely to get pregnant if I had sex just after my period ends?

I have considered the birth control pill but this isn't really an easy option for me as my parents would know why I want to get it. Much like many other parents, mine are totally against me engaging in any sexual activity with my boyfriend so it's really not something I can or wish to discuss with them.

Also, if I was to have sexual intercourse using a condom and get my boyfriend to pull out before ejaculating (being sure to hold the base of the condom to stop it from slipping off inside me), would this further decrease my risk of pregnancy?

I do feel like I want to have sex but obviously there are concerns about pregnancy. I want to be as safe as I can so any information would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!

[Heather]

Okay! I'll go ahead and get started with some basics here based on your questions, and then you can come on back and ask more as you need to.

Condoms and breakage: When used properly, condoms actually RARELY break, so what you've heard stands counter to a lot of study we have on them. As you can see in this blog entry here -- http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_ ... n_it_wrong -- so long as they're used properly, condoms only break with about 4 in every 1,000 uses. So, if people are finding condoms are breaking for them frequently, then we can know that's about people not storing or using them correctly, which is something totally within people's control. That blog entry talks about some common mistakes, and also has links to more information on proper use.

Tracking fertility: All but one or two of the apps that say they can track fertility don't ask for the right information to do that with much accuracy. Cycles with a few days variation each time aren't actually irregular (the standard deviation for cycles is around 2.5 - 3 days). But what someone will need to accurately estimate their most and least fertile times is a) regular cycles within that deviation for at least six months, b) daily charting of either or both cervical mucus and basal temperatures, and then c) the education to interpret that data. At first, it can take a while to learn how to do all that and get in that daily habit, but once someone does, it gets pretty easy over time. And while as a sole method, it's not so awesome, especially for younger people, it can be a good one to combine with condoms. If any of that sounds doable for you, I'm certainly happy to talk more with you about that and give you some more information, including a couple good books that can give you the education to learn to chart.

Other birth control options: You probably do not need your parents permission or involvement to seek out or get other methods if you'd like. Since it sounds like you'd feel better about that -- and by all means, if that's the only way you feel like you'll feel comfortable for intercourse, then you probably want to hold off until you can have what you feel you really want and need -- we can talk about your options with that, if you'd like.

Combining ANY two methods is always the most effective way to prevent pregnancy. So, yes, pairing withdrawal and condom use can give you more protection than using condoms alone. However, withdrawal has a high typical use failure rate, and a lot of that is about how hard it can be for someone to have a good sense of when they will ejaculate in advance of it happening, and for a younger dude, especially one without any experience with intercourse, you'll just need to know that him actually being able to do that might not be so workable.

[h_17]

Thanks for your reply, it's very informative. I do have a few more questions though.

Unfortunately I'm unable to open the link to the blog as my home internet blocks it
My boyfriend actually took a packet of condoms from a health desk at a university open day. I can't remember the brand name but I assume these would be reliable as they are in a school for students to take? Also, he has kept them in the paper bag and has placed them in a drawer on his desk. He has a computer sitting on the desk directly above this drawer. I don't know if this is a stupid question but would the heat from the computer somehow affect the condoms in the drawer below? I believe it's a wooden desk if that helps. His room also gets quite hot because it is small and I think the computer contributes to this too.

So you would say my periods are actually fairly regular? I made a mistake actually, I'd say they vary between 31 and 36 days. From this would you know roughly when I would be most fertile? I know it's roughly in the middle of a cycle that ovulation occurs. That's why I assumed that one of my least fertile times would be just after my period ends. Is this correct? I'd like to know a little bit on how I can chart my cycles.

I'm not too sure about birth control as I don't know if I could commit or even remember to take pills every day . Even though I don't need my parents' permission, they would still know that I'm taking the pill and would soon enough figure out the reason why.

[Heather]

It's right on our same site, so I'm very confused about why you're having issues: if you can open the boards, you should be able to open anything else on the site.

If you two are going to start having intercourse, then what you'll need to do is to be able to access more than just a packet of condoms. So, if these have been kept somewhere hot, or aren't within their expiry dates, then I would suggest he or you get a new box and be sure to store them somewhere cool, not beneath hot computer equipment.

Again, charting fertility isn't something that can be accurately done just with period dates, which is one of the reasons that apps that only chart dates and say they can estimate fertility are flawed. As I said above, to accurately chart fertility, you need to DAILY chart cervical mucus, basal temperatures, or both, and then do so for at least six months or so, THEN look at all that charting to interpret the data. Without someone doing that, we can't help predict most and least fertile times (though on average, less fertile times tend to be in the second half of cycles, and more fertile times in the first, so your ideas about this are backwards, unless it did turn out from doing that charting that for your cycles, that was a less fertile time for you.). Guessing about cycles isn't a smart move if you want to use natural family planning as a birth control method or backup you can rely on.

Birth control pills are only one method: not the only one. So, if taking a pill every day doesn't sound doable to you, then you can know that option won't be a good fit, so you'll want to consider others. Some other methods can also easily be hidden, like the Depo shot, IUD or implant. Mind, I'm not a big fan of advising people be sexual when they have to be sneaking around, and could face big consequences if -- which is usually more like when -- discovered. My best advice in that situation is to either hold off, or see what you can't do to change that situation. We can talk about the latter if you'd like.

[h_17]

I'm unsure why I'm unable to access it.

So, would it be acceptable just to store these in his room but avoid putting them under the computer equipment?

If I were to chart mucus would this just be a case of noting down when it is thicker/stickier etc?

Yes I'd like to take about the latter if that's alright.

[Heather]

Alas, we can't really help you with any net-nannies or blocking your parents may have on your home computer and what you can't see online. You may just need to save these links and then look at them another time, like perhaps on your boyfriend's computer?

Again, with charting, you're going to need one of the in-depth books to really do it in a way you can rely on, presuming, as you chart, you find out your cycles are regular enough to predict fertility in the first place (they may or may not be, you'd have to chart over time, then look at all the data to find out). For the basics of charting, and links to a couple good books to get the whole scoop, here's another link for you: Get With the Flow: All About FAM.

Per changing the situation at your home, can you perhaps fill me in a bit more on why this feels like something you have to keep secret? That way I'll have a better sense of what the issues are so we can talk about them.

[h_17]

Okay thanks for the help

Well, basically, as I am young obviously my parents want to stop me from getting into situations like this, especially now that I have a boyfriend. But this is the case with everyone I know - nobody ever discusses things like this with their parents as they would get into a lot of trouble for being sexually active even though they are older than the legal age.

[Heather]

Your profile says you're 18, a legal adult. Is that right? If so, can I ask if with anything else, your parents have been supporting your transition into adulthood? Can I also ask about if you've thought about taking steps to live independently, rather than staying at home, especially if staying at home doesn't feel like a good fit for you in this or other respects?

I do want to say that while no one you know may discuss this with parents, that doesn't actually mean no one does. Universally, that's actually very diverse, with a wide range of what parents and their children (even when they're adults) talk about, how often, what's left private and what isn't. So, just because in your circles you don't see or hear about that doesn't mean it doesn't happen, nor that it can't in your family by default.

Would you like to be able to be more honest with your parents about this? How do you feel about the idea of just trying to get started with some of this, perhaps by talking about what kind of room you need to make your own choices, whether or not they are in line with their choices, for themselves, or what they feel they -- again, for themselves -- would prefer for you? How do you and your family generally do with resolving differences of opinion or conflict?

I do also want to add that it's also not "obvious" that parents want to stop their teen or young adult children from engaging in sex, or that that would result in getting in trouble. Again, that varies, and while some parents are that way, others are actually very supportive, and just want to do what they can to be supportive and respect the choices those teen or adult children feel are best for them.