I don't like men or did I just have a 1st bad experience?

[unchained]

So, this is a sorta complicated story and I'm pretty sure a lot of the outcome of it is my own fault. But please bear with me.

There was this guy, who was the friend of two mutual friends. That's how we met, they introduced us because they thought we had plenty of stuff in common. Indeed we did share a lot of interest and opinions. And he remains to the date the person with whom I have had the most intellectually stimulating conversations ever.

So, basically we talked once with our mutuals friends there who introduced us, and then another day I was having lunch at the Faculty and saw me and asked to join in. So we sort of sat there together having lunch and talking (mainly debating books we had or wanted to read).

The next time we talked I bumped into him in the cafeteria. We sat down to talk while having lunch like the last time and that was when he told me he liked me and was pretty upfront on telling me he would like to date me. I replied that I couldn't like or know if I would like a person I had just met. But that I liked talking to him, I felt we could be very good friends and that maybe when I got to know him better I might come to answer his feelings. (In hindsight, I think that was a very poor choice of an answer and was heavily pushed and instigated by my "omg I'm in University and have never dated." crisis of the time).

So he agreed to continue to see each other as friends. I will clarify that since we were doing two very different careers our timetables were very different and we very rarely bumped into each other in person even if we were deliberately trying to. One day I came across him as I was walking to the bus stop and since we hadn't been talking for like a month because of schedules, and I was in a hurry at the moment so I couldn't stay, I told him that "Hey, just look me up on Facebook and we can chat there when we can't meet in person." (In hindsight, that also seems to have been a poor decision, as I think he interpreted it as me making a move, when in my circles we give our Facebooks and e-mail addressees like hot pancakes to any random classmate or teacher out of courtesy most of the time.)

After that, we actually started talking regularly, at least twice a week. He sometimes flirted via chat but I would always cut him off and he would back off. (In hindsight, maybe I should have taken the hint.)

Then, there came a particularly long period of time while we couldn't see each other cause I was just overwhelmed with academic stuff and I'm pretty sure my health was about to have another mayor breakdown. On top of that, we couldn't really chat on FB because I was just that busy I didn't even have time to get online of Social Networks. When we did get to chat he was all about how frustrated he was we couldn't see each other and that why I at least didn't update my FB profile picture because he didn't even know what I looked like currently. Eventually one day he asked me if he could meet me and walk me to the bus stop and I was like "Whatever, meet me at this place at this hour and we can walk together."

And that was the day I broke off whatever our relationship was (because I have been thinking and maybe he and I understood the place our relationship stood at differently). While we walked to the bus stop he started flirting, but a lot more... heavily than ever. I dismissed him but he kept going at it. It started to drizzle and he was all about making me walk really close to him under his umbrella even after I told him that I didn't want an umbrella, that I had my own if I had wanted one and that the coat I was wearing had a hood. Then he went back to flirting. He continued while we waited for the bus at the stop. I actually snapped and told him he was acting like a macho cabrio trying to mark his territory. He denied it and said he was just trying to be a gentleman. We never really settled the discussion and when the bus finally arrived I just stormed off inside of it.

And I literally never spoke to him again after that, didn't reply to his messages and avoiding the places we used to regularly bump into each other.

Which I'm pretty sure was poor management of a break up for whatever kind of relationship and actually drafts me into bitch territory.

Back to my original question of the title, after that I didn't think about dating or anything for a long while. When, later on, I actually sat down to reflect on my romantic orientation, I just kept coming around to that I felt like I could connect romantically with a woman but not with a man. Like, I just can't picture myself romantically interested in a man. And there is a part of my brain that's convinced it is because of the experience I narrated above.

So, I suppose my doubt is, how can I tell if I'm just prejudiced against the idea of a relationship with a man because I handled my first try at a relationship extremely poor ly or if I'm indeed not interested in men?

[Emma]

Unfortunately, I can't look inside your brain and figure out exactly how you're feeling and why you're feeling that way (I wish! That'd be a great business opportunity ). There is no "for sure" answer I can give you on how to determine how you feel towards men and if it's because of this bad experience--but the good thing is, you don't have to! It may seem ideal to have all your romantic and sexual preferences neatly defined and explained, but the truth is, attraction (and repulsion) is much more complex than an isolated event or a single experience. It's very well possible that you'll go a few years without feeling any attraction to men and decide to identify yourself as homoromantic or homosexual, if you so choose. It's just as possible that one day you'll meet a man and fall deeply in lust/love with him and the bad experience won't have any effect on your relationship. Don't rush to define your sexuality and romantic orientation based off of this one experience--it may cause extra stress and shut you off from opportunities for relationships down the line.

I'd also like to address your idea that you "handled your first try at a relationship extremely poorly." This is simply not true--from what you've written, it sounds like this was less of a 'relationship' and more of a one-sided infatuation with utter disrespect and disregard for your clearly established boundaries with this guy. You were completely within your bounds to avoid him, snap at him, and walk away from him because you were very honest and firm with him and he didn't respect that. In a healthy relationship of any kind, respect for your partner's wishes is extremely important, so what you experienced with this guy was NOT what a healthy relationship should look like.

[unchained]

I see, I will take it easy then.

And thank you for the reassurance on how I handled it.

I suppose my main worry is to end up dating a girl out of spite to men (as crazy as that might sound) or that if I eventually date a girl she feels I'm only dating her out of spite to men. I mean, I don't suddenly hate men, actually the dynamic of my friendships with my male friends hasn't changed at all after this.

[Sam W]

Hi unchained,

I think one thing to keep in mind is that when you choose to date someone, you're doing so because you're attracted to them and like them. So, if you end up dating a girl, you can assume that's why you're doing it (unless you literally say to yourself "I am dating this girl in order to spite the men in my life).

I also want to digitally high-five you for taking some time to consider your orientation, who you're attracted to, etc. That kind of self-exploration can be really helpful.

[unchained]

Oh, well, when you put it like that, then I suppose I can be sure I'm not going to do that. XD Sounds like too much of a jerk move to use someone like that.

And thank you for your time.

Both of you, I really love coming here and how fast there is someone to assessor me.

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I'm glad it helped