Dealing with street harassment

[SilentDragon]

I am on vacation with my parents, younger sisters, and a friend of my sister. All the female members of our group went to a touristy area (lots of shops and attractions) this evening. My sisters (who are in their upper teens) were wearing not exactly revealing but less covering outfits, while I was wearing something looser with more coverage. I only state this because I think the attention was not directed at me, not because I blame my sisters for the guys' behavior. Anyway, four times during our adventure, we, as a group, experienced a variety of street harassment. My sisters and friend responded as if they were flattered (though they later stated they were not), while I said nothing because it was over by the time I realized what had happened. The fourth and final time occurred on our way to the car. At this point, I was rather tired of this occurring, even if I was not the target, so when I heard the wolf-whistle from behind, I made a rude hand gesture without turning to look at the whistler (who was in a car driving by). In response, I was called a "female dog." These incidents bothered me more than I thought they would (street harassment is far less common in my teeny hometown), and while I don't think I would have changed my action (and I'd do it again), I guess I could use some support and advice on how to deal with street harassment both in the moment and while thinking about it afterward.

[Emma]

Hi, SilentDragon! As someone who identifies and presents femininely, I have been in the same boat with you time and time again. Dealing with street harassment is an exhausting and unfair process--you did nothing wrong, yet you're forced to use up mental energy dealing with inconsiderate, often lecherous harassers without getting hurt. First of all, if you feel you are in danger in any way in a street harassment situation (i.e. the harasser has a weapon, is drunk/high and seems out of control, seems like they could physically overpower you very easily), there is NO shame in doing everything you can to get away, even if that means smiling and laughing at the comments the harasser makes. Your safety is so important, so consider that first when you're thinking about how to deal with a harasser. Next, evaluate your energy level: do you have enough mental and physical energy to call this person out or respond to their comments? If not, it's ok. It's not your responsibility to be a hero in a harassment situation that was sprung upon you--sometimes it's just not going to happen that day. If you are prepared to respond, you have a plethora of options: you could call a lot of attention to the harasser by loudly questioning why they said/did that (this works especially well in crowded areas like public transit--"Did you just call me _____? Why did you just call me _____?"), you could tell them how what they said makes you feel, you could make wild animal noises and give them the middle finger. You could also just not react at all, giving the harasser no gratification or acknowledgement. If the harassment is recurring, getting an authority (boss, police) involved is a good idea. It's all up to you, just remember that you're the one being dehumanized and you're not obligated to be polite or friendly to a harasser.

[Sunshine]

I very rarely seem to attract strangers' attention, and so I was all the more shocked when one night, on my way home from work after a really hard day, I was accosted by a group of young men who at first approached me with the idea that they might somehow take advantage of me, but then as they got closer and got a better idea of what I look like decided I was, direct quote, "too ugly to rape". For some reason, this seemed to make them really angry, as if women somehow had an obligation to be pleasing to the eye (specifically their eyes and other senses) all the time and I had violated a basic right of theirs by not fitting their definition of attractive.

I was so stunned and shocked by their behavior that I couldn't do much of anything. Fortunately, I was already pretty close to my house, so I somehow managed to shake them off and make a dash inside.

Other times, when I am out running or doing anything really, men have commented on how "ugly" I am as well, and this always baffles me. I can understand them voicing their appreciation of a woman's beauty (don't approve of the way it's often done, just saying it doesn't surprise me), but why is this such an issue for them that they need to shout it out? Since when is it my job to give them visual pleasure?

I always try to ignore the remarks. The only motivation behind them I can think of is to hurt my feelings, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give anyone the satisfaction of indicating that actually worked.

People often assume I'm rude for walking around with my earphones in, but if that means I don't have to listen to this kind of nonsense, it's a price I'm willing to pay.

[Atonement]

A few weeks ago my apartment was doing a construction project on the building next to mine.

Every morning, when I'd leave my apartment to walk to my car, I'd have workers staring. On a couple occasions, I'd literally have to walk out with no less than 10 guys just standing there staring at me like I was an escaped zoo animal. Whether I was wearing a cute dress and jewelry or baggy unisex medical scrubs with messy hair made absolutely no difference.

In this case, since they weren't actually saying anything, I thought the best course of action was to simply go about my business as if I didn't notice them standing there.

Thankfully, because of their work schedules they were never there in the evening/night, and they've finished the project now.

Still, it was a very uncomfortable feeling being stared down coming in an out of your own home.

[MusicNerd]

My experience resembled a lot of what this article says here (one difference between me and the author though is that i'm mixed/half-Black, but it's still very obvious from my appearance that i'm part-Black/a woman of color): http://www.rookiemag.com/2015/06/black-girls/

I actually wrote about it on facebook to just vent/find solidarity with other folks (which was really helpful ), but this is basically what happened:

I was walking with a friend of mine to a public transportation station to buy tokens, and I thanked them for volunteering to walk with me at night, since they could've chosen to go to a station closer to where we were earlier.

As we walk to a station, I sneeze as I walk by this guy and he says "bless you" as he ogles me, but I'm in the middle of a sneeze and then return to talking to my friend. Well, I made the *~mistake~* of not acknowledging the guy in any way like I normally would. For the next 60 seconds as we continue walking, me and my friend hear the guy follow us a bit and say:
"Damn, I said 'bless you' and you didn't say anything to ME?"
"You didn't even bother to say 'THANK YOU'?!"
"God, and you a *sistah* at that!!"
"And you walking with a f*ckin' white boy-- YOU A**HOLE!" (mind you, my friend's non-binary/gender-questioning, so there was misgendering here, too)
"HOW DARE YOU NOT F*CKING SAY NOTHING TO ME??!"
"I'll bash your f*cking heads in and not even care!!"

And as this guy continues yelling, I explain to my friend how this was a bit out-of-the-ordinary since usually men don't say anything when I walk with a man/someone-assumed-to-be-male... but when I'm alone, I'll usually give a slight smile and nod or acknowledge them in some slight way and keep walking (kinda like what Thahabu Gordon mentioned doing in her article). And I started to blame myself for this guy's tirade by not doing any of the things I normally would, and my friend (rightfully) said, "But you don't owe him anything!" and I said "Yeah, I know-- but I do it so they don't do things like this." (even though, yes, i now realize more clearly outside of the situation that it wasn't my fault, but #patriarchy... *sigh*)

And I explain to people that this is exactly why intersectionality in feminism is so frickin' important. Black women's bodies historically have been viewed as disposable, impure, and not having value, and without repercussion (from the law or anyone) if a guy catcalling decides to inflict violence (and don't even get me started on the awful things black trans women have to go through-- i can't even deal)-- and there also tends to be less leeway for black women to be aggressive towards men catcalling us (not impossible, but considerably riskier because of the lack of repercussions, IMO).

So, I've had to explain to folks at times that: if I don't yell at a man catcalling me, I'm not weak, I'm not passive, I'm not anti-feminist-- I'm just trying to survive.

[Sunshine]

I have been hearing and reading a lot lately from men / boys who feel justified in catcalling because they claim that by putting any kind of effort into their appearance, women / girls are asking for approval and attention. While on some level I think I understand the confusion behind these statements, I still feel very irritated by them, sometimes to the point where I just want to yell. Yeah, of course I spend time and energy on my looks - because all my teenage years I was harassed and ridiculed for being "ugly" and I seem to have this hope that if I look halfway decent, people will leave me alone. But you can't win with some, can you? Go out with no makeup on wearing old sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt and sooner or later someone will be voicing their outrage because you're not providing them with visual pleasure. Leave the house well groomed and nicely dressed and some person will see this as an an invitation for loud feedback on the results of your efforts. Can't anybody accept that a woman could simply desire to go about her business in peace? That I in fact really don't care whether some stranger approves of the way I look or no and I really don't like any kind of unsolicited attention?

I know it's probably only a minority of people who think I am trying to provoke a reaction from them all the time, but this minority makes me so mad sometimes. My attitude towards the male part of the population is problematic enough already, I really don't need any further reason for distrust, antipathy and frustration.

I wish more guys would seek to understand why female behavior seems contradictory to them sometimes instead of just claiming to know us better than we know ourselves. I'd be happy to talk and explain as best I can... But it doesn't seem as if there will ever be much demand for that.

Rant over. Just really needed to blow off some steam right now.