kinks and stuff, I can't relax

[Lúthien]

This site is fantastic but as I was reading through other questions and some articles to get a little more information on a few things I ended up with some questions about kinks and stuff. Well for one, my boyfriend really likes being choked. I'm very careful with it so I am not worried about actually harming him, but it seems like one of his biggest turn ons. I feel really awkward with it even though I am the one who introduced him to that but like nowhere really talks about it much and in most bdsm it seems like the guy is usually dominant? All we have done that could really be considered kinky is him spanking me and what I previously mentioned. I am comfortable with him and I trust him not to react horribly to anything. Also he wouldnt even want to do anything i was uncomfortable with but I have really bad mood swings so some of the other things we want to try that would be longer Im worried about. Like I want to try anal with him and he wants to but I have a harder time with things im not either fully controlling or nearly. Especially anything I first did with a certain ex... that Im not entirely sure if it counted as abuse. Like the first time I had anal I was very uncomfortable with it and had said no to it that day but in the past had said eventually when I was comfortable with it and that I would prefer to use a condom with it. He kept saying we should try it and I said I dont know and we ended up doing that without a condom. Well I have kind of strayed from my original topic but I guess Im interested in finding a way to enjoy that instead of freaking out from past experiences and being able to relax and try new things without worrying about control. I trust my boyfriend to stop if I even seemed uncomfortable.

[Emma]

Hi, Lúthien. First of all, I'd like to address the fact that your discomfort seems to be stemming from a history of sexual abuse/assault from your ex--what he did (pushing you to do something you didn't give your full and hearty consent to) is unhealthy and manipulative, so it's understandable that you are uncomfortable with things that are reminiscent of that trauma. It might be good to discuss this with your boyfriend--it'll give context to your hesitation and help you feel more confident about your power in the sexual part of your relationship. Secondly, guy-dominated BDSM is DEFINITELY not the unbreakable norm--dominatrix culture is very prevalent in the BDSM community (not to mention that single-partner domination is less common than a respectful and often-shifting power balance). BDSM is all about comfort, consent, and safety, and it's sounding like maybe you aren't comfortable with some of the things going on in the bedroom (understandable seeing as your last experience with "kink" wasn't BDSM so much as abuse). Here are a few articles I'd like you to take a look at: The Sex Goddess Blues: Building Sexual Confidence, Busting Perfectionism, 50 Shades of BS - How to tell the Difference Between Kink and Abuse, and Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist. Sharing these articles with your boyfriend before your next experimentation with BDSM would be great because it'd allow you both to talk about limits and boundaries (note that we don't reccommend any breath play that's not just holding your breath as potential to get hurt is fairly high) set a safe word, talk about your discomfort with being the more dominant sexual partner, and explain your past experiences with your ex.