sexuality

[metsi]

I am female, and i am physically attracted to women, but I am emotionally attracted to men... Is this just bisexual or is it called something else? My family and friends are ok with this kind of thing, but i'm not quite sure i'd like to tell them quite yet...how would i ever be in a relationship if i married a man, but sexually wanted a woman?

[Sam W]

Hi Metsi and welcome to the boards,

Could you go into a little bit more detail about what "emotional attraction" means to you?

Have you done much reading about different orientations like bisexuality or pansexuality? And hey, if bisexual feels like the right label for how you feel, then you get to use it. You can adjust it as necessary later on, or you might find that it sticks through your life.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, metsi.

Have you seen this yet: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... _and_women

If not, I think it'd be a good read to start with, and we can talk from there, if you'd like.

Per if this is how you always wind up feeling (you're 13, so your sexuality and feelings always being how they are now isn't likely), marriage, should that be a thing you want, doesn't have to mean sexual monogamy. There are plenty of married people who have polyamorous relationships (where they have more sexual partners than just each other). Marriage also doesn't have to be about sex or even involve it. So, theoretically, if you met a man later in life you loved and wanted to marry, but where neither of you wanted a sexual relationship with each other, you could certainly marry that person and create a relationship where sexual relationships were something the two of you had with other people, rather than each other.

I do want to add that given the homophobic world we live in, it's pretty common for people to grow up only having gotten strong messages -- or watching in movies, kids books, etc -- that romance and marriage is for people of the opposite sex, and that same-sex feelings, if and when one has them, are mostly about sex. It can take a while, sometimes years or even decades, for people to even become aware of that social conditioning and the impact it has on us, let alone learn to dump it. So, this is something else I'd just kind of put a pin in, honoring the feelings you have right now, and accepting them as they are, but not getting to hung up on the idea that you have to figure out how to plan a whole adult life around them, an adult life you haven't even started yet.

Better to just aim for acceptance and figure that however you turn out to be in this respect, you and whoever you make part of your life can figure it out. Relationships ultimately are a very personal and creative enterprise, so no one should be worried they'll have to only make ones they can fit into a narrow box, or like the kind of relationships they've seen so far.

[metsi]

what i mean by emotionally attracted is that i wouldnt want to have a sexual relationship, but i would want to be together. I guess its hard to explain, anything you would have in a relationship other than sex.

[Heather]

So, perhaps what you want right now is being together with guys as close friends, at a maximum?

You don't have to be with any gender of people romantically or sexually, after all, including guys, nor that those are the only ways to be very close emotionally with someone or to create long-term relationships.

[metsi]

I also realize i wont be having sex for a long while, but i would just like to know what i am. I feel like if i were emotionally attracted to a boy maybe in highschool, they would want sex, but i wouldnt. I also feel like i could enjoy an emotional relationship with a girl, but i have not met anygirls i would want that kind of relationship yet, probably because i am only thirteen.

Thanks a lot by the way. I find this pretty helpful.

[Heather]

I think the thing to know is that figuring out our sexual identity is a lifelong process: there's no one who can know, at any time in their life, except maybe with their dying breath, all of who they are and ever will be. No part of identity works that way, including sexual identity. So, just like you probably can't have a good sense, right this very second, of where you'd like to be living at 30, or what area of work you want to be in at 50, you probably can't have a good sense of what your sexual identity is any time later than right now.

When a person is just barely even starting to explore -- emotionally, intellectually, physically, any or all of the above -- their sexuality and their interpersonal relationships, they have to just accept there's no way they can know who they are in that regard, except for what they know about themselves so far. That's all anyone can ever do, again, but someone in their 20s, 40s, or 70s has a LOT more information, experience and observation to work with than someone who has just entered their teens.

So, I'd suggest you just do what you can to accept that all you can know is what you know now, and to identify in whatever way feels right for you now. You don't have to worry about years or decades from now, as you can't know who you'll be them and how you feel, and the good news is, you don't have to. Embrace the mystery, I say.

I'd also suggest you reconsider the idea that for guys to have a close emotional relationship with you, you will have to have sex with them. Sure, maybe some will want sex with you, and maybe you won't with some, or even all, of them: all that'll mean is you two aren't a fit. Women and men can be friends, after all, including incredibly close friends (some of the people I'm closest to in my life are men who I consider so close as friends they're my family, just in case a personal example helps).

There may be people in your life of any gender who want a thing you don't. But the right answer there won't ever be to try and become or do what they want when you don't, it'll be to either figure out what things you both DO mutually want, and go with those or to just part ways and move on, knowing we're not going to have close relationships of any kind with probably the vast majority of people we meet.

[metsi]

Another dilema, is i recently cut my hair short, and im going back to school soon. I am afraid people, especially boys may assume i'm a lesbian just because of some stereotypes (that has happened with a couple people ive seen over the summer). I wouldnt want anybody(mostly boys) to stop liking me because of that assumption. Would there be any way i could tell people that assume i am a lesbian, that im not, only with out straight up saying, "im not a lesbian." Most of my friends would be completely ok with me being a lesbian, but I'm not.

Thanks!

[Heather]

You can just say, "I'm not lesbian." There's nothing wrong with that. Just like there's nothing wrong with a lesbian saying, "I'm not straight," if someone presumes her to be.

However, I'd advise you to recognize that if someone didn't like you because of how you did your hair, you probably wouldn't want anything to do with that person anyway. Why care about what someone thinks, or if they don't like you, who would be like that? Same goes with caring about people who buy into stereotypes about queer people: do you really want anyone in your life like that? Probably not.

[Heather]

By the by, if you haven't seen this piece yet, either, I think it'd be a good one for you: Q is for Questioning.

[metsi]

Thank you Heather, I dont want people who dont like me for who i am in my life.

[metsi]

If and when I do want to come out as bisexual, how could i do that?

[Heather]

I need to head out from work for the day, but I'm happy to pick this up with you tomorrow.

In the meantime, if you click on "sexual identity" in the white menu at the way top of this page, you'll get to our section of articles that includes the two I gave you, but also some information on coming out and a host of other good stuff about discovering, processing and working with sexual identity. So, if you're still all in this, you can read to you heart's delight until one or both of us is back to talk with you more directly!