what just happened? What should I do?

[miss_lost]

it is 1:30am here and I must talk and it looks like I found a good place to vent. if this is the wrong location to talk about this then please move the topic to the right place.

my name is Elise, I am 14, and right now I am on vacation with my sister and her bf in new york city! been here for a few days, loving all of it, but something just happened. I woke up and found my sisters bf touching me, between my legs, just having his fun I guess. I was in shock, still am, and just lost! All 3 of us are in the same room, 3 different beds, and he just decided on touching me. My sis had ear plugs in due to the subway cars outside so she couldn't hear anything even if I did speak up. So he whispered in my ear *do not say anything okay* and I simply did not say anything back at all, I was thinking it was over, but then he pulled my pajama bottoms off and opened my legs!!! Before I knew it he was on top of me and I could feel pressure and I knew what he was doing!!!!! He entered me a little, I screamed as it was painful, and he got off and jumped back in his bed. This was all just 30 minutes ago, right now I am out in the hallway of the hostel and typing on this computer and just lost!

Tomorrow morning the 3 of us go back out and check out the city. Do I just walk around with him and pretend like it was a bad dream? Do I tell my sister what her bf did? I am here with them for 7 more days! I live in Oregon, I cant just go home! My sis would kill me if I cause problems but do I just not do anything? UUUGGG!!!!!

He is 21 and should know better but now I am stuck with knowing that I can not say anything as I would destroy my sisters life! They have been together for 2 years, my parents love him!

Should I talk with him and tell him don't do it again or should I stay away from him?

this is not fun. I am sitting here and just in shock and in pain. what if I did not scream? Would he have gone all the way if I did not scream? I am a virgin, or was, and now look at me! I am here in new York city, in a hostel, do not know anybody, and my sisters boyfriend tried to get inside me!!!!

[miss_lost]

I just want to go home

[Karyn]

Hi Elise, and welcome to Scarleteen. I'm so, so very sorry that this happened to you and I totally understand that you want to go home.

First things first: if you feel like your safety is at risk right now, calling 911 is always an option. Your wellbeing is the most important thing here. If you have a phone (or a way to make a phone call, the hostel you're staying in may have one you can use) there is a 24 hour hotline you can call, based in NYC, and the staff should be able to help you. Their number is 212.227.3000. I'm not familiar with New York at all, but even if they can't personally do anything for you, they should be able to make some suggestions, and just having someone to talk to can be really helpful.

Second, do you have a way to contact your parents? It's not likely you can get home immediately, given what time it is there, but I think if you can find a way to get home early, that would be safest. This guy is clearly not a safe person to be around, and your safety takes precedence over anything else, including your sister's relationship with him and what your parents think of him. If you can't get home (and I get that it might not be an option) is getting another room a possibility at all? This person chose to assault you - and it was assault, not just 'having fun' or 'not knowing better' - and unfortunately, there's a good chance he might do it again.

I'm going to stay online for the next couple of hours at least, so if you need anything else, or just want to keep talking, I'm here. (If you feel it would be useful, I can also head into our live chat and we can talk in real time. The link for that is here: http://www.scarleteen.com/webim/client.php?)

[miss_lost]

I am still on. I clicked the link but it says No operators available

[Karyn]

Sorry about that, I'm online now!

[Mo]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry your sister's bf chose to assault you, especially at a time when you're away from home and your normal support system. None of this is your fault, and as Karyn said your safety is the most important thing here. I do think that it would be a good idea to talk to your sister about this, but it might be hard to do that when it's just the three of you together. One suggestion I have, if you aren't able to find a way to talk to her immediately, would be to go to the bathroom with her/ask her to come with you as soon as possible, so he can't follow you in and you can have a private conversation with her about the situation, even if that's just to say you aren't comfortable being alone with him. If you aren't able to take action immediately, I think it's important to at least try and problem-solve so you aren't alone with him during the day (and I certainly hope you can get out of this situation before tomorrow night).

In terms of you ruining things or destroying your sister's life, it might be stressful for your family to come to terms with the fact that this guy is no good and assaulted you; it's always hard to learn that someone you care about or think is great is actually not great at all! But I would hope that they'd all rather protect you from someone dangerous than pretend he's ok, or be angry at you, when he's clearly in the wrong here. People who choose to abuse others are often good at making people like them, but that doesn't change what he's done. And if your sister is angry at you, you know what? It is in no way ok for her to act on that or treat you poorly for standing up for yourself against abuse. I know that might not make you feel better if she really does try to take action against you, but she would absolutely be in the wrong, in that situation. Again: your safety comes first here, especially since you're underage and away from home.

In a similar vein - it's late here on the west coast, but not that late; if you want to go ahead and call your parents now I think that would be ok. Even if they're frustrated by the situation, or disappointed that this guy has turned out to be terrible, I would hope they would want to prioritize your safety first; they could probably figure out a way to get you back home quickly.

[miss_lost]

I ended up having a private conversation with him, was not my choice as I was uncomfortable being alone with him, but my sister was taking a shower at the moment and I never told her anything about what happened. He said he was sorry a dozen times! He said he did it with me so that I could find out if I would enjoy it or not (I certainly did not and he is my sisters boyfriend so he is like family). I did not say much, I let him do all the talking (mostly apologies). He did ask that I not say anything to anybody about it, just keep it a secret. The conversation was just a couple minutes.

I still do not trust him. He wanted to have sex with me so I just feel like an apology is not enough. I was asleep in bed when he came over to my bed and started touching me. He whispered in my ear to not say anything. Then he forcefully took my pants off, opened my legs, got on top of me, and entered me. I know he noticed that I was in pain when he was in me but he did not stop. It was only when I screamed in pain that he took it out of me and jumped off and got back in his own bed.

That last paragraph is something that I should have told him, should have had the courage on saying it, but all I did was let him apologize a million times and told him that it's okay and that I will not tell anybody.

I am not happy with myself. I feel like I let him win. I should have said something, I should have called my parents, I should have called 911! I am 14, I look younger, and he is 21, big enough for a football player!

So now I am back on this computer, at a hostel in new york city. The three of us will be going out walking the streets of manhattan in just a few, and I must pretend that what he did was no big deal at all.

We all travel back to Oregon next week, in other words I am sharing a room with him and my sister for a full week. I do not think that he will do anything again, but part of me thinks he will. I think if he tries something again I will just yell and scream and make sure that my sister notices, but I also think I will not have the courage on doing anything.

One more thing. When he started touching me I honestly just froze up! I couldn't do anything, I couldn't say anything. I knew he was going to have sex with me, I could feel the pressure, but I didn't say anything, I just froze. The only reason I screamed was because of the pain, if it wasn't for the pain and that scream then I am sure he would have never stopped until he was happy.

Why did he do it? What was he thinking? Why me? He loves my sister, I know she loves him, and I know my parents love him, so why would he want to make a wonderful family relationship become a terrible nightmare?

I hold a secret, and I do not see myself saying anything. I am happy I found this place and I know all this talk is good for me but I still hold a deep secret.

[miss_lost]

One more thing (sorry for adding another comment). I am buying the morning after pill later today, just to be on the safe side as he was in me for half a minute. It is only $50 and I have the cash but what bothers me is that this $50 is part of $100 that my mom gave me for extra cash in new york city. It is fun money from my mom, but now I am taking half of it for a pill. I am not sure what hurts me more, the fact that I was nearly raped, or the fact that I am taking part of my mom's money for a morning after pill. I just feel like I went against her wishes in what the money should be used for.

[Mo]

About the plan b - you may have spent your money on something other than what your mom intended, but I think this is a situation where she'd rather have you be safe then use the money in the way she imagined, you know? If you got lost and had to take a taxi somewhere, or got stuck in a rainstorm and had to buy an umbrella, I think she'd understand that you used the money she gave you to solve a problem and wouldn't be angry because you didn't use it on an I <3 NY t-shirt.

If you change your mind and do want to call your parents, or tell them or your sister about this after this trip is over it's ok to do that on whatever schedule feels right to you. It might take a while to process this and feel like you can talk about it, and that's fine. You don't lose your right to tell someone, or to feel upset, if you don't feel up to talking to someone in your family right away. You haven't lost your chance to do or say these things if you think they'll be helpful for you later on.

I do worry quite a bit about your safety in this situation; even though this guy apologized to you, if he really felt bad about this assault he would be the sort of person to not attempt it in the first place. I think it's good not to trust him, despite what he said! If you aren't willing to tell your sister about this (which is likely to help keep you safer, if she can look out for you) I think it is at least a good idea to do what you can to make sure you aren't alone with him.

As for why someone would do something like this, it's really hard to know. Some people just aren't very nice, under whatever niceness they project to the world, and think they're entitled to have access to other people's bodies without their consent. I know it might be easier to deal with if you could figure out just why he did it, but sadly I don't think most people who are assaulted ever get a clear answer on that. The reason he gave is ridiculous; as you said, he's not trustworthy, and I don't think you can trust anything he says about what he did.

[miss_lost]

I got sick of this victim idea in my head and did something crazy.

First of all I am back at the hostel, and everything is okay, sorta.

I was with my sister and HIM for the day and did not like the way he was having fun. He was enjoying his vacation, looking at new York city, laughing, not giving a care about what he did to me 15 hours ago. I was hurt, in pain, not having fun, pissed off!

My sister hit the restroom and I did something that I am proud of, I told him what was on my mind! It was on the staten island ferry so everybody was around so I knew he wouldn't do anything. I told him that he raped me, I told him that I was just freakin mad! I also told him that I needed $50 so that I could get this plan b pill. His response was that **I wasn't in you long enough!!!*** He said sorry AGAIN and that I should just forget about it and act like it never happened.

Talking with him was good, saying what I needed to say was very good! But, the one thing I did, was record the conversation on my cell phone.

I would have little trouble taking him down. I am just curious how much time he would get in prison! Would it be a prison in new York or would he go back to Oregon?

I did a good job today. I am happy that I was thinking straight and that I recorded what he said. You can clearly hear him say "i wasn't in you long enough." I keep playing this part over and over again on my headphones.

Now I need the courage on playing it for my sister. I just can not do it. I must do it, but I hurt inside knowing what will happen to my sister.

What wll my mom think? what will my dad think? what will my family think? and what about showing up in court, will this be something I must do? Will I have to come back to new York? Will he get out and find me?

what should I do? I am honestly asking. Is it worth it? Should I just forgive him and forget that it happened or should I punish him and deal with this night again and again???????

Still lost.

[Mo]

In terms of anything having to do with reporting this, going to court, etc. it all depends on the laws in a particular place. In general, though, crimes committed in a particular city/jurisdiction are handled in that same place. What you could do is call the number Karyn posted in her response and talk to someone there; they'd be able to walk you through how reporting works in NYC and can help you talk through your options and find what sounds best to you.

When thinking about how your sister might react, maybe you can think of it this way: no matter how upset she might be, she'll be happier in the long run NOT to be involved with someone who's willing to rape her sister. It probably will be a tough process for her, but that will be his fault, not yours. We really can't know how anyone in your family will react to this news but we certainly hope everyone will be supportive.

[living@dream]

Hey, I know this reply is way late in the game (2 months), but they always say "better late than never". I don't know what you decided to do after all (tell parents, sister, keep the secret, court, etc. .). I really hope that whatever your choice was you have found peace within your self and feel good about the decision you did make.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone!! I too was faced with the same delima when I was 14 years old. Except it was my sister's husband, in there house (in the next room), in the middle of the night, and to make matters worse they had a 2 year old son together. It was a horrible decision to make - what's right/wrong?, what if my sister doesn't believe me? Whats the rest of the family going to say or believe? What if my nephew has to grow up without a father - a broken home caused by me telling?
It was at least a week after it happened that I finally made myself tell a long-time friend of the family what had happened. . . I was astonished to realize how good I felt justice to get that "wretched/dirty" secret out and in to the open!! I was relieved that the truth was out, this family friend did not freak out, and she didn't think it was my fault or that I had lead him on in some way. She was wonderful & supportive to me - I cried on her shoulder and confessed to her all the horrible misguided thoughts I was having about what to do or not do.
Of course, that was only the first step to dealing with this incrediblely difficult situation. Next, I confided in my mother what had happened and she helped me to see & understand why I had no other choice but to tell my sister. ( I love my sister a lot, she's my only sibling) I tried to prepare myself for every possible outcome & I was extremely scared. I knew this news would devistate her!! But, I also knew she deserved to know the truth & if the roles were reversed, I would want her to tell me!!
I couldn't bear to break her heart outloud by telling her. So I wrote it down in a letter - all of it! I sat in front of her and patiently waited while she read it & I watched the blood drain from her face, her eyes tear up, and I could "feel her pain" as if it was truly mine & mine alone to bear. . . . my sister said she believed me?!?!?!
She stayed with her husband and a little over a year later had there 2nd child together, a boy. We did not speak much to each other over the next several years.
My mom was more angry at my sister for not leaving him ---- way more angry than even I could possible be. My father & some other relatives thought I had lied and didn't want my nephew to grow up with a father, and other absolute nonsensical ideas.
I was HAPPY with my choice of telling!!!!
I grew to understand my sisters decision of staying with him and I learned to deal with having to be around him - family gatherings.
Hard Life-Altering Decisions arise in everyone's life from time to time & there is no "right or wrong" universal answer to correctly handle those situations!!
You can weigh all the possible actions you might take & all the possible outcomes. You can weigh the Pros & Cons. You can even bury the truth deep down inside yourself.
If I had a chance to make that decision again --- I would have done the same thing again --- she deserved to know the Truth & I owed it to myself to Forgive & Let go!!!!! (I was not going to feel my heart with hate & anger!! I wasn't going to let him win!!)

I hope my story my be of some benefit to you or others!!
I would love to hear how your doing now & what decisions you had made.
I hope this reply finds you Happy, Healthy, and full of Love!!!!!

REMEMBER: Only You Know What's Right For You & Only You Can Decide What You Need To Do!!!!!!!!!