Was this okay? Not sure how to feel...

[consentquery]

I'm feeling confused about a recent sexual encounter. A few nights ago I was fooling around with a new partner. I was lying on my back and he was rubbing his penis against my vaginal opening, and then he penetrated me slightly. He was watching me for a reaction, and I allowed it, so he went in a little further. At that point I told him he should put on a condom (it's dumb that we weren't already using one, I know) and he agreed and put one on immediately.

Looking back, it makes me uncomfortable that he didn't ask whether it was okay to penetrate me before he did it, especially unprotected. I think he was going off my facial expressions, body language, and the fact that I wasn't telling him to stop. I don't think he was trying to "get away" with anything, but since I started learning about the concept of affirmative consent (or enthusiastic consent, or whatever you want to call it), I feel like it's important to ask instead of assuming you know what somebody wants. Does that make sense?

I guess my question is, do you think this guy did something wrong? And how weird should I feel about it?

[Johanna]

Welcome to Scarleteen, consentquery.

There are no shoulds when it comes to our feelings - however you feel about what happened, is how you feel about it.

It sounds to me like you felt okay with things at the time, but in thinking about it in retrospect, you'd rather there had been more conversation about what was happening. Do I have that right? If so, and you feel that this is otherwise a respectful, safe partner for you to do be with, why not just bring this up with him and talk about ways in which you can communicate better next time? There is always a learning curve with sex, especially with a new partner. The best way to have the kind of sex you (both!) want to be having is to talk to your partner about making that happen together.

[consentquery]

It sounds to me like you felt okay with things at the time, but in thinking about it in retrospect, you'd rather there had been more conversation about what was happening. Do I have that right?

Thank you for the feedback. And yes, that's an accurate assessment. I do think he's safe and trustworthy, so I'll just ask that he be more verbally communicative in the future.

[Karyn]

That's very good to hear. I hope that talk goes well.