Is it weird to like masturbation but not sex?

[towerofstrength]

I'm female and in my early twenties

Sex isn't painful to me but it's not stimulating to me at all. Foreplay isn't stimulating, kissing isn't stimulating, I've had every part of my body touched in every conceivable way but it doesn't arouse me. Oral sex doesn't arouse me, neither does fingering or penetration.

The only thing that gets me off is watching porn or using my imagination and masturbating. Fantasising about sex is enjoyable but actual sex isn't.

If a partner rubs my clit is nowhere near as effective as a vibrator or my own hand, it's like I don't need the partner to even be there they're just getting in the way

Is this normal? I know I'm not asexual when I was a kid I enjoyed kissing/touching on the one occasion that it happened, but it's like my mind got accustomed to imagination over the years of no sexual contact.

[Heather]

So, are there people who only like masturbation as a sexual activity -- or, as it sounds like so far with you, kissing or making out with others and then only masturbation? Yep. So, if that turns out to be you through your life, or for any given period of time, that's how you are and that's utterly okay.

But that may or may not turn out to be how you are, who knows. I don't know how many sexual partners you've been with so far, or how you felt about any of them, or how you felt about yourself being with a partner. It could be that so far you're not digging sex with other people because the partner or partners you've been with just haven't turned you on all that much or been people you felt strong sexual attraction to and desire for. Or it may be all that was there, but for whatever reason, you just didn't feel comfortable or excited being with them (or didn't feel patient with the learning process that tends to be involved with new partners). But all of that makes a huge difference: if we're not very turned on by and attracted to someone else sexually, or not comfortable or excited about being with partners, then yeah, sexual activity with them won't tend to feel good.

Just being touched in certain ways won't tend to create arousal or sexual enjoyment all by itself.

[towerofstrength]

Could you elaborate on the learning process with new partners that you mentioned? Because a lot of guys will try to "learn" about what turns me on but what I enjoy fantasising about doesn't turn me on when it's actually happening to me

I feel like I've found the the guys sexually attractive and if I fantasise about having sex with them it turns me on, but actual sex with them feels like nothing.

[Heather]

Sure. I'd also ask you, to clarify more with your second response, if when you are then with them, and starting to be sexual with them, you are feeling just as turned on -- and like you actually have some chemistry together, rather than just finding them attractive -- or if that turned on feeling has stopped once you started getting physical or sexual in any way (or, maybe it does with some things, but not others?).

Per a learning process with new partners, generally, if people are actually going to be learning a) that process should itself feel fun, exciting and pleasurable in some ways, and b) it involves people experimenting and mutually communicating as they do so that, over time, partners can learn what each person likes and doesn't, and how they like what they do (like it sounds like one thing you may like is using your vibrator for manual sex rather than someone's hands, so that'd be a thing to share and see how it goes using your vibe with a partner). That also can involve sharing your sexual fantasies and what you want: if you're not giving them clear information about what you want to try and how -- if you're fantasizing about things people can actually do, and do want your sexual life to involve some or all of your sexual fantasy life -- they can't somehow just know or find out on their own.

I'd also ask, just because it maybe stands to ask, if when you say guys, you mean you have only had guy partners. If so, is that because you're straight and only attracted to men? I ask that because if you have had at least several male partners, sometimes the reason someone won't be into anything with people of a certain gender is that they're not into that gender, or may be into those of another gender more.

[towerofstrength]

if when you are then with them, and starting to be sexual with them, you are feeling just as turned on -- and like you actually have some chemistry together, rather than just finding them attractive -- or if that turned on feeling has stopped once you started getting physical or sexual in any way (or, maybe it does with some things, but not others?).

I'm not turned on before or during or afterwards. If I'm alone at night and I imagine the person having sex with me I will be turned on. I have tried fantasising while someone is physically having sex with me and that only helps a little bit.

b) it involves people experimenting and mutually communicating as they do so that, over time, partners can learn what each person likes and doesn't, and how they like what they do

I've done that. I've tried everything that I've imagined and fantasised about and things I've never thought of trying before. None of it works, it only turns me on to THINK about it.

like it sounds like one thing you may like is using your vibrator for manual sex rather than someone's hands, so that'd be a thing to share and see how it goes using your vibe with a partner

Might as well not have a partner there if all I'm going to be doing is using a vibe while they have sex with me.

That also can involve sharing your sexual fantasies and what you want: if you're not giving them clear information about what you want to try and how -- if you're fantasizing about things people can actually do, and do want your sexual life to involve some or all of your sexual fantasy life -- they can't somehow just know or find out on their own.

I have shared all my fantasies with partners and tried enacting them in real life. I felt nothing.

The thing is I know that I'm capable of enjoying someone's touch because I enjoyed someone's touch many years ago, but then I had a long period of time with no sexual contact and now that I've gone back to being touched by an actual person I feel none of what I felt with a guy who I wasn't even attracted to back then.

I'm straight. I get turned on by masculinity.

[Heather]

Okay.

Using sex toys with a partner tends to be much different than it is alone (I mean, we can use our hands on ourselves alone, too, but when we masturbate with/in front of partners, there's a whole other big difference in the mix, since we're still being sexual WITH someone else: having a partner is about more than just having another set of parts or someone who can manipulate our body parts for us), but it just isn't sounding to me like you WANT to be with partners, so it really doesn't make sense to talk more about what sex can be like with them.

If partners just are feeling like a drag to you so far, and the process of being together sexually in a way that's realistic with partners also doesn't appeal, then it just sounds to me like your best bet for now is to go ahead and let yourself have what you DO want and is working for you, rather than worrying there's something wrong with that, or trying to be with partners when it's just not what you want (outside of how you imagine it might be in fantasy, which may not be the way it can really go in reality).

So, why not just go with your own feelings here and your experiences of late, and stick with what you know is working for you? If your feelings change, it's not like you can't pursue partners at another time because you haven't done so for a while before.

[towerofstrength]

Sex by myself isn't satisfying, I'm chasing the way I felt touching and making out with someone when I was a kid because that was more satisfying than any masturbation session I've had since then. I idealised sex with another person in my head and thought it would be the solution to my problem of being unable to satisfy myself.

I didn't have sex partners for a long while involuntarily, not out of choice. I was very sexually frustrated that entire time.

I just wish I could get the same enjoyment I had back then.

[Heather]

I understand. And maybe you can...or not. Often, trying to recreate certain sexual feelings or experiences just doesn't pan out, especially over a long stretch of time, because different phases of life tend to be one of the things that keep human sexuality from becoming static.

It sounds to me like your best bet, if you feel unsatisfied no matter what, and it's really troubling you, would be to see a therapist who works with people and sexuality.

If that's not within your reach, or doesn't appeal, then the best next steps I would suggest you do for yourself over some time are:
1) Consider that if sex alone isn't satisfying, and sex with others isn't either, this is less about partners vs. not, and probably more about your sexual life and sexuality as a whole.
2) If you find your fantasies super-exciting, but sex alone or with others in real-life not at all, it's probably worth seeing what you can do to change your expectations some so you're not expecting real-life sex to be like fantasy sex, and so that some of your fantasy incorporates some more realistic content. You've talked about idealizing, and I agree, that may be a problem for you here, with others and even just alone.
3) Consider that if what you're chasing is how it felt making out, maybe trying to engage in other kinds of sex with people is one problem: perhaps you're just moving too fast, and going into sex when the making out wasn't even awesome. You may need to do the makeout more, with more people, and then only choose to do anything else if that's rocking your world.
4) See if you can't think more about what you feel you would need to feel satisfied alone or with others: is it realistic? Does it leave room for you and others to just be the bumbling mere mortals we all are, with things like a potentially big learning curve (including with yourself, maybe, not so much with the techniques physically, but with how you conceptualize sex alone and with others)? For needing to actually WANT to be with someone else intimately, and not just to do activities you can't do alone, but for being in a pretty deep thing with someone else in all the ways?

I want to add that from what I can tell working in this field for a long time, and hearing a lot from people who had the idea that if sex alone was the yawns or not satisfying, they just needed a partner, that that rarely seems to hold water. Instead, what seems more often to pan out with that is the opposite: that if sex alone isn't anything, sex with partners is probably not going to be so great, either.

So, for sure, if this all feels like it really starts with you, even alone, then I think focusing on partners alone probably isn't the way to go. I'd say you want to focus on the bigger picture.

And again, part of doing that, I think, really requires you only do what you really want to do and what feels at least good, if not awesome. Who knows: maybe that's nothing at all for a while, not even masturbation, if no matter what you do feels ho-hum and you're not that excited even going into any of it. Only doing what really feels like something you strongly desire and feel psyched about is always the way to go with sex anyway, but that also much better supports you in working through any sexual issues or conflicts than trying to do that while still doing things you don't really, really want and enjoy.

[towerofstrength]

When I say partners I mean sex partners rather than someone I'm in a relationship in. I've never been in a relationship and although that would be nice I don't know how to get a boyfriend, guys aren't into me in that way. What I can get is casual sex, FWBS or hookups. So just making out with them for ages isn't something that's really an option.

See if you can't think more about what you feel you would need to feel satisfied alone or with others: is it realistic?

What I felt back then was modest compared to what people describe as sexual pleasure, and I was capable of feeling it back then so I think it's realistic. I think my fantasies are pretty realistic too. There's nothing there that can't be done in real life (and I've tried all of it in real life)

I could sit around doing nothing, not even masturbation, but that would be even worse for my insatiable sex drive. The desire and want for sex is great, but sex either alone or with a partner doesn't satisfy it and I end up feeling miserable.

[Heather]

Casual sex doesn't have to be any one way: you can have repeat partners and can do whatever sexual activities for as long as you'd like (or not). Seriously, that's utterly doable, it's just about what you and your partners each want and choose to do together. So, if it's turned out for you that you are only choosing casual partners who want to do things you aren't feeling, you can choose differently, perhaps by saying more about what you really want and are into -- and aren't -- from the front. Or, if you are finding that casual sex isn't a fit for you, or isn't the way you have been doing it, you can adjust that if you like.


Really, I'm not sure where else I can go here today with you at this point beyond the things I suggested in my last response. If none of those sound like things you can do or want to try, or you feel like you already have tried all of what I suggested for a long time but feel stuck in the same place, then I'd more strongly suggest seeking out a therapist who works with people and their sexualities and sexual lives.

If that's not doable or what you want, then I'm a bit out of ideas at this stage of the game. But I would still lobby strongly to stop doing anything that you just know isn't satisfying or enjoyable to you. That alone actually makes it way harder to feel good in our sexual lives, and no way you're going to start enjoying yourself while doing things that bore you, having partners you don't want, doing sexual activities you aren't feeling, alone or with others.