She missed her pill and did nothing on purpose!

[mikeau1234]

Hi Scarleteen,

I have a pretty stressful situation and I really need help. My girlfriend has been using combined birth control pills for over a year and usually takes it in the morning. She is doing an internship overseas right now so I can't check her routine like I used to. Over the weekend, on the Saturday morning, she forgot her pill and went out. She didn't realise til the morning after (Sunday). Then, she left the pill in the "Saturday" slot of the pack alone and proceeded to take the Sunday one on time and went on with her life as usual as a result of her misconception that one missed pill is not a big deal ( It happened before but I was there to remind her to take 2 pills the next day). She didn't tell me about it til just now (Monday night). Does it mean the cycle is broken/protection is down? What's the best course of action for her? I told her to take the 2 pills tomorrow morning (Tuesday). The one she should have taken on Saturday (3 days ago) and the one she should take on Tuesday as intended. So to recap the number of pills she took in the past few days: Saturday (0), Sunday (1), Monday (1), Tuesday (I suggest taking 2).

I understand the usual solution would be to take two pills the day after you missed a pill and the protection shouldn't be affected. But would it still work if she's taking double pills three days late. I can't find anything related to this situation on the Internet and I am quite worried. Please give me your advice. Thank you!

Regards,

Mike

[Redskies]

I see you already have an account with us: we do ask that users have just one account. If something happens and you lock yourself out of your password and connected email, that's fine, but we do ask that users let us know that. So, can you let us know which account you want to keep active?

Really, how your girlfriend chooses to take her pill is entirely up to her. Generally, the best advice is indeed to make up the missed pill if someone remembers it the next day; but please know that some pill pack instructions say that if someone completely forgets one pill - or a pill during a particular week of the pack - they can expect it NOT to affect their contraceptive coverage. Too, I notice you say she's abroad: if she isn't expecting to have sex with anyone until her next pack, she may be figuring that being extra-certain of full contraceptive coverage this pack is just not something she needs.

If she has questions or uncertainties about taking her pill, it's best for her to ask her doctor or another sexual health/education service herself, rather than asking you - after all, you're also needing to ask about it, and generally a message only gets less clear the more people it travels through.

It's sounding like you're taking on a lot of worry and concern about her medication routine. Honestly, when you say things like "I can't check her routine like I used to", it's going over into sounding overbearing and like you're, well, trying to parent her, as if she were a single-digit aged child. Obviously, that's not a recipe for the two of you having a healthy relationship, and it's also not a way you're going to find true peace in your own mind, because we just can't control another adult's daily activity. If you're feeling like you need to be absolutely sure that contraception is being used correctly, that feeling and need of yours is absolutely, 100% reasonable and fair: and that's what condoms are for, because they're currently the only contraceptive method available that you CAN have a full role in. What's not reasonable is trying to micro-manage someone else's medication regime. If she's too laid-back about it for your liking, you still don't get to have a say in how she takes her own medication; you only get a say in what you do with your own body. So, you get to use condoms; then, if you don't feel comfortable with the level of protection they give, or you don't feel comfortable with how she takes the pill, you also get to decide that certain kinds of sex are just off the table.

Given that making her take the pill exactly as you want is just not a practical option here, how do you feel about your other options?

[Heather]

I want to just back up something Redskies said because it's super-important: if you want to control and manage a method of birth control, it needs to be one YOU use (again, like condoms).

What is not okay, or workable (but really, it's controlling behaviour, so it being not okay is what the big deal is with this), is trying to manage a partner's method of birth control. That's for them to do, and if a partner isn't cool with how they're doing that, they either get to a) choose not to be sexual with that partner anymore, or b) use their own method of birth control.

I just can't encourage you enough to make the choice to decide right here and now to back off when it comes to how she uses and takes her medications (in this case, her oral contraceptives), NOT ask others how to use it to tell her how to take it (it's for her to ask for help if she needs it), and stick to only policing your own body and your own form of birth control that you use with your own body.

[mikeau1234]

Hi Redskies and Heather,

Please keep the account I'm using right now to post and deactivate all other ones you found, I only registered more than once because the first one wasn't recognised by your system when I tried to make a post even though I registered successfully.

Thanks for your prompt replies and helpful advice. I feel the need to admit that I perhaps adopted a more serious and urgent tone in my post to get immediate attention so I can validate my advice for my gf. While I think the tone of your replies is overly pedantic and critical, I appreciate your intentions behind it. Thank you!

[Redskies]

We reply to posts as soon as we have a staff member available who is able to answer: we're not staffed 24/7. Altering the tone isn't going to get anyone an answer any faster. Too, doing that with the intention that we'd respond differently is a form of manipulation, and we're not okay with that. Please don't amp up concerns to try to get our attention faster: not only is that unnecessary, it's not a very respectful way to behave to either us or all our other users.

Even if you weren't a fan of the tone, I very much hope you'll take on board the content of what we said and have a think about it. I don't think it's pedantic for us to talk about and express concern about anything our users say that sounds controlling. One of our big missions here is to support people in having healthy relationships; some of the things you said sounded unhealthy, and we'd just be no good at this gig if we didn't say so.

The way you write about your girlfriend and your role in her pill-taking is really not respectful towards her, and isn't recognising her as an autonomous and competent adult. That's a problem in a relationship. That kind of imbalance causes difficulties for both people and for the relationship; and, I have to say, it's more harmful for the person on the receiving end of it - ie, your girlfriend. I know you've had concerns in the past about pregnancy and about contraceptive effectiveness, and it seems like you might be struggling with some anxiety around that. If you're being so involved in your girlfriend's pill-taking as a way to try to manage some of that anxiety, it's really important that you seek out other, healthier ways to manage it instead, because this isn't good for you or for your relationship, and it'll hurt your girlfriend.

Taking big steps back and approaching this in healthier way means NOT advice-giving, or reminding, or checking. If that feels very hard for you, that's a big signal to think about why and to address the why in your own self: if you need help managing anxiety, seeking that help, or, considering if it's part of any broader pattern of your thinking and behaviour in the relationship, and seeking help for that.

[Heather]

Just FYI, the reference to other accounts was about an older account (michaelangelo22, which you posted with in the past and registered here with last August, and is probably why you had troubles making a new account, since you already had one), not any you may have made or tried to make this week.