Cannot Understand.

[findingme]

I am a biological male... I think... am I? What if I was actually intersex at birth and they got rid of my female parts?... I'm not sure of anything anymore...

Either way... I can only assume that my sex is male, and after that...it's just a whirlwind of "Does this identity fit?" "How would I know?" "Why can't there be some kind of test to tell me this?"

This is going to be easier for both of us if I go in chronological order: So from the point where I learned how to distinguish between boys and girls, to about age 12, I thought that gender and sex were synonymous. That when I was introduced to the world wide web and with it a WHOLE MESS OF FOREIGN CONCEPTS: among them being: sexual orientation and gender identity. It took me from 12 until 16 to make myself about 83-ish% that I was attracted solely to guys, and now I've kind of jumped into a whole different barrel of monkeys: WHAT GENDER AM I?
Automatically, I thought: male, because I have a "plug" instead of a "socket" and I do not dissent with having that said "plug" (although I do wish they hadn't clipped my foreskin), however, then came another concept: gender expression. Big surprise to me: I could have a "plug" and a big bushy beard and be a woman, because gender expression, gender identity and sex have nothing to do with each other, and when they line up all neat-like, it's apparently only a coincidence.
And that's when I threw my gender label as male out the window, because I have no way to justify it. How do I know what gender my brain is? Do women constantly go around repeating "I am a woman" in their head 20 times a minute? Because I don't. How do I know how I express myself? I don't express myself as a male nor a female. I express myself as someone who's afraid to express themselves out of fear of being ridiculed and isolated. How do I know if I was even born a male? What if I was intersex? Am I just overthinking everything? What am I? Am I some kind of abomination? Why does everyone else seem so sure, and I'm so confused? Am I just nothing? Am I everything? Am I even human? What does any of this mean? Why am I obsessed with finding a label? Could I just pick some label at random?
And finally, what I've been thinking since I found out I liked guys: If I was born this way, WHY WAS I BORN THIS WAY??? Why couldn't they just make me to be cis, straight, and certain of both?

[Karyn]

Hey, findingme.

Firstly: you are so not the only one who's questioning their gender identity, and you are not an abomination. I promise. Gender is a complex thing for a lot of people - as evidenced by the sheer number of books on the subject! - and so while it might seem like everyone around you has it figured out, I really doubt that's the case. It can also be tough sometimes to separate out the gender we've been assigned (and the expectations that go along with that) from the gender that feels right more internally, especially if there's pressure from other people to express our gender in certain ways.

As far as the possibility of being intersex goes, without knowing what your chromosomes and genes say, there's no way to tell for sure. But when it comes to figuring out your gender, the body you have is only part of the picture. (And brains don't really have a gender at all.)

I get wanting to find a label for yourself, that's something that plenty of people want and find reassuring to have, but it really is okay not to have a label right now. And, if you feel like you absolutely need one, 'questioning' is a perfectly valid option. Ultimately, this is something you have to figure out for yourself, but none of this is set in stone, and it's not uncommon for people to find that the way they identified themselves at one point in their lives isn't the same as how they identify five or ten years down the track. Too, labels are basically shorthand to give people around us a general idea of how we see ourselves. For example, I identify as a woman, but what that means to me likely isn't exactly the same as what it means to other women, and how we express our gender identity will be just as varied. Two friends of mine, who both identify as genderqueer, have explained their personal definitions of that term, and they're pretty different. Humanity is incredibly diverse, and in order for everyone to have a term that perfectly describes their identity, we'd probably need a new word for every single person.

One thing I'm hearing in your post is that while you may not be overthinking this (thinking about things a lot, especially complex stuff like gender, isn't a problem), you do seem to be putting quite a bit of pressure on yourself to figure out your identity as soon as possible. Like I said, I get wanting the security of a label, but I'd encourage you to do what you can to accept that right now, you're not sure and that's absolutely okay. I can't answer why you are the way you are; I'm not sure anyone can, and I'm sorry that you're struggling so much with this. One thing I do know though is that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, whatever your gender.

So. Those are just my initial thoughts, and I'm sure some of the other staff members and volunteers will have useful contributions too, but I want to leave you for now with a couple of resources.
This piece on questioning is about sexual orientation, but there are some good points that are applicable to questioning any aspect of identity: Q is for Questioning
You may have already come across it, but Genderfork is a fantastic collection of stories from people all over the gender spectrum - lots of them questioning - that really highlights how diverse gender identity and expression can be.
Lastly, if you can get your hands on a copy of My Gender Workbook by Kate Bornstein, you might find it very helpful.

[LOONA]

Finding Me,

You aren't alone... that's a big one. So many people feel yt?this way and also feel alone. First stop and tell yourself, " I am PERFECT." Keep doing you and that is beautiful.

Now to answer your questions...

1) How do I know if I was born male?
Well ask your parents. I don't think they would lie and say you weren't.

2)What if I was inter sex?
Then your parents made the decision to remove one reproductive organ. That doesn't change who you are.

3)Am I over thinking everything?
No, it's normal and healthy to question things. Now if you are freaking out, then maybe back up and talk to someone.

4)What am I? Am I an ambomination?
You are you! Beautiful you. And no way Jose are you an abomination. You are here on earth for a reason. A good reason.

5)Why does everyone else seem so sure?
Here's a secret... there not. Just like you they are questioning who they are.

6)What does any of this mean?
It means you are growing up. You are starting to question what you were taught as a child. It's normal.

7)Why do I need to find a label? Can I pick a label at random?
Society has taught you that everything needs a label, a box, or a special place just for that thing. So when you don't have one of those, that thing is weird. And I guess you could pick a label at random. But maybe the better thing to do would either be to figure out where you fit or make a new label.

8) Why was I born this way?
Because this makes you unique and special and amazing and wonderful.

Good luck on your search for yourself!! Be brave and one day you'll look back on this memory and say, Boy am I glad I figured this out. Until then have courage and keep asking questions,

♡, Loona

[Heather]

(Just a quickie correction here: a person being intersex does not mean a doctor removed or altered their reproductive organs at birth.

Many kinds of intersex won't even show up, or be clear, until someone is in their teens and twenties, and some of those which are clear at birth don't have any impact on genitalia. Too, things have been changing for some time now when it comes to genital surgeries done at birth -- which sometimes have involved parents in that decision-making, but other times have not -- to those born intersex who do have what are often called "ambiguous genitalia." So, users in the age group we serve who are members of that group most often will NOT have had any surgeries at birth.)