Pain when trying to use tampoons/menstrual cup/PIV sex

[Alixana]

As the title said, I exprience pain when using tampoons, trying to use a menstrual cup or trying to have PIV-sex.

I have always been uncomfortable using tampoons. For a while, when I swam regularly, I used them but only when I swam. Inserting tampoons was always a stressful and uncomfortable experience, but I felt it was worth it to not have to skip swimming when menstruating. I have since then stopped swimming regularly (due to being allergic/oversensitive to chlorine), and never use tampoons anymore.

Usually I use pads when menstruating, but then I heard about menstrual cups and all the upsides of them, so I wanted to try them. I bought the smallest sizes, but I still couldn't insert them, even using lube. It hurt and was stressful and made me cry.

Also, I basically can't have PIV-sex. There has been one single time when my then-boyfriend and I "succesfully" managed to have PIV-sex. It didn't feel good, more vaguely uncomfortable.

I know this is all probably because I am to tense and nervous all the time. I started seeing a gynecologist at a Youth Clinic. She said there didn't seem to be anything physically wrong with me, and that the problem probably just was that I was too tense. She told me to go buy a mirror, gave me some lotion (one without perfumes etc.) and told me to try to use it every day, and try to gently get comfortable. I was supposed to meet her regularly but since I was severely depressed at the time (I still am depressed, but somewhat better) we decided that I should focus on that instead, and I stopped seeing her. It was probably a good decision, but the problem is that I now am too old to go to a Youth Clinic.

I have a lot of anxiety around this problem. A while it was so bad I couldn't even masturbate because I would start thinking about it and feel so bad. It also weighs on me when dating a new person. The whole concept of telling a person you like, that no, you can't have PIV-sex with them, maybe not ever, feels like such a huge and crushing thing, even though I know it doesn't mean that you couldn't have other kinds of sex. The then-boyfriend I mentioned earlier was initially patient and supportive of the fact that I couldn't have PIV-sex with him, but grew resentful and started saying stuff like it was "because I didn't love/feel attracted enough to him".

I can't go to a Youth clinic, and I don't know if you can go with this problem to a regular clinic but I would like to someday be able to use menstual cups instead of pads and have PIV-sex, to find out if it could be a thing I would like. Since it feels like my depression isn't going to go somewhere soon, I don't want to just keep holding off on dealing with this until I'm not depressed anymore.

[Ashleah]

Hey Alixana,

Seems that you and your former physician have already identified what's going on here. Try not to be so hard on yourself, this is something that definitely won't change over night. I can also see how your then-boyfriend making this worse with his comments causing you to put more pressure on yourself. This will really about figuring out what works best for you! And if you chose to have penetrative sex with a partner in the future, make sure you feel comfortable with what is going on (and ready) and go at a pace that works for you. Sex should not be uncomfortable!!!

I have included a couple articles about painful insertion that you might find helpful. There are a lot of recommendations you can try.

From Ow! to Wow!: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gende ... ntercourse
I Cannot Insert Anything Into My Vagina: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... hould_i_do

Even though you aren't eligible for services at the Youth Clinic you can call and ask the physician that was seeing you for a recommendation to someone else that would be a good fit for you.

After you check out those articles feel free to check back in if you have more questions or just want to talk about this some more.

[Alixana]

Thanks for your reply. Its just...I've had this problem for so long. It's about 3 years since I was together with the boyfriend I mentioned, and it was around that time I went to the Youth Clinic. I've read so many articles and stuff dealing with this kind of problems (from "good" reliable/feminist sites), including the ones you linked.

Worth mentioning perhaps is that I've never had an orgasm, even though I enjoy masturbating (except for periods when my anxiety around this stuff makes even masturbating or thinking about sex stressful). I've bought a vibrator, but it didn't do much for me.

I bought the book "What you really, really want" (http://whatyoureallyreallywant.net/), since I thought that internalized messages that sex is shameful could be part of the problem, but I couldn't bring myself to stick with it for more than a couple of days (my depression tends to make me somewhat apathetic, making sticking to any kind of project a very hard challenge).

I've have had long periods when I just try not to think about it all, to not put pressure on myself, but it hasn't changed anything.

I've considered the possibility that I'm asexual, but I don't think I am, since I think and fantasize about sex a lot, and have felt a lot recently that I really want to make out with/fool around with someone (although this gets a bit problematic since I've figured out that one-night stands/"friends with benefits" are not something for me).

I don't know really what I expect you to say that I haven't heard already, but I guess I just want to share my frustration over feeling like I'm stuck.

[Heather]

I'm just on my way out, so this will be brief (though we can certainly pick this up again tomorrow, if you'd like), but it sounds to me like:

1) Given the impact depression has, almost universally, on one's sense of self as well as one's sense of their sexuality and sexual response, if you're not already seeing a therapist or counselor for help with that, I'd suggest seeking one out. It would be particularly great if you could look for and find someone who also could focus with you on any impact the depression is having when it comes to your sexuality, but your feelings in general about sexuality and your body.

2) If you haven't already, and it doesn't sound like you have, you'll want to see a gynecologist who can do an evaluation as it stands right now of the difficulties you're having with pain and discomfort with tampons or intercourse, and then, if there is any physical cause, refer you to someone who specializes in that kind of care who can address it, including any kind of treatment that may be involved. I know you had that exam at the Youth Clinic, but it seems like it's been a while since then, and that also probably wasn't very specialized care. Plus, it sounds like what was suggested from that initial exam wasn't anything you and they followed through with, so it seems to me that it'd be wise to get another start with an exam, and then whatever, if anything, is suggested for you by a new healthcare provider based on a current exam.

[Alixana]

I don't see a therapist right now, but I'm standing in line for one. The last therapist I had I didn't really feel comfortable with, so that's why I'm not going to her anymore. I've never talked to a therapist about sex stuff, because it is such a private topic that it would be hard to get the words out. But I guess I could try when I get to see a therapist again.

I've googled and found a gynecologist reception in my town. I'll just have to work up my courage to call them and book a time.

[Sam W]

Hi Alixana,

I'm glad to hear that you are looking for a therapist that you'll feel comfortable with. One thing that may help once you find one is to practice ahead of time what you want to talk about, so that you don't freeze up. Too, it can help to remember that therapists are trained to deal with sensitive topics, so you're not going to be judged or shamed when you talk about sex.

With calling the gynecologist, that's one of those things where the best option is to get it over with. Like pulling off a band-aid quickly rather than pulling it off slowly. It's a little more intimidating, but it's over sooner.