need an objective outlook?

[Kela]

Hi guys

so, I'm back here again, but I am just looking for some general relationship advice.

So its a bit of a long story, but here goes...

I've started seeing this guy who happens to be in the armed forces. he is from the opposite end of the country from me, but right now is posted only a train journey away. when we started talking and seeing eachother, things were perfect: he messaged me all the time, when we meet up we have such a laugh, we have lots in common and its always very fun to be with him.
however, recently, well, since our second date really, I've heard from him less and less. It got me paranoid because, well, as you guys know, I overthink things to the point where they are no longer rational in my head. I've met up with him once since, and, despite the lack of messages, it was like nothing had changed, he was still just as attentive and loving, and the words 'boyfriend' was definitely used once or twice by him, I definitely didn't imagine it
after we met up, he went back home to Liverpool on his annual leave. he told me he'd text me while he was away, and that I could come back up and stay with him when he came back.
he did text me occasionally for the first week, but for the second week of his leave I didn't hear a thing. To be honest I'd given up hope, I am in a position finally where I feel like I could break something off with someone and feel okay on my own. however, I get a text totally out of the blue saying 'sorry I've been quiet the past few weeks, in a dilemma' and basically he's having a crisis over his future, he doesn't know if he wants to stay in the army. that's fair enough that he doesn't want to talk about it, but I did try to explain that the lack of contact leaves me not knowing where I stand with him. he replied with "but you're part of that consideration too (talking about his future), what I do affects you aswell'
...so now I'm even more confused... that sounds like something someone would say if you were in a relationship, right? I mean, why would it affect me if we weren't doing this together as a couple?
anyway, he's gone all quiet again, and, he did explain before we really started seeing eachother that he tends to keep problems to himself and doesn't talk about them with anyone, which is fair enough, I do it aswell, and I've been reading 'Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus' which is a very helpful book given to me by my counsellor, it explains a lot!!

I guess what I'm asking is for some input from an outside point of view here...what does it sound like he's thinking? and how long do I leave him to sort his problem in his man cave before I can expect him to come back??

[Kaizen]

Well, first I want to congratulate you on being willing to let things go when it looked like you'd have to do that: that is a thing that if I remember right you weren't so confident about in the past. So that's awesome.

And, good job bringing up that the lack of contact leaves you wondering where you stand. It sounds like you've been doing a pretty good job with communication. If anything he's the one not doing so well with it. Which is a problem, because the way to find out what a person is thinking is to get them to tell you. (About "Men are From Mars...", I'm not the best equipped to talk about this, maybe someone else can chime in, but it sounds like it boils things down to, "We're going to tell you how all men think/act," and anything that purports to tell you something like that is usually off because everybody is different.)

You absolutely do not have to leave him totally alone and wait for him to "come back". (Assuming he hasn't asked you to leave him alone. It doesn't sound like he has.) It sounds to me like he is open to you being part of the conversation while he figures this out, or at least in the loop, so I would suggest bringing it up with him again and seeing if that's the case. How did that conversation go after he said that what he does affects you?

Finally, I'm not exactly sure if this is what you're thinking or not, based on something you said, but I just want to point out that being in a relationship isn't something that just happens when someone says certain things, or something he decides all on his own and then informs you. If you want to be sure you're committed to each other, you should bring it up, and ask him what he plans or what he'd like to "be" with regard to you.

[Heather]

Just tacking on to say that I am not sure why a qualified, educated counselor would have suggested that book, as Gray's theories and frameworks fly in the face of what science has shown us about sex, gender and personality styles. It's very much not a helpful book, as it tells people things about sex and gender that simply have been found, quite overwhelmingly, not to be true. It's not helpful for anyone to learn or latch onto misinformation.

Here is one place to start if you want to get a sense of the problems with that book and its frameworks: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/813095

I'd strongly suggest you figure what that book has told you is not something to consider credible to or figure is a good way to think about sex and gender, just like thinking the Earth was flat would be a problem: it doesn't square with good science and proven fact. That's obviously your choice, but just know we aren't going to work with Gray's debunked frameworks here (so, for instance, unless this guy is staying in an actual cave, and one he associates with his gender, we're not going to talk about his 'man cave' here).

[Kela]

She did say to take it with a pinch of salt, and that not everything will apply. to be honest, I'm not really one for majorly stereotyping men and women, so I apologise for any offence caused with my use of 'man cave'

I basically sent him a message back saying 'okay, I take from what you're saying that we are more than just a casual thing.' then I went on and jut explained that I am here if he wants to talk about any of it. he then replied with 'that's easier said than done when its practically rearranging your life' which I thought was a bit odd? but yes, he didn't challenge the first part of that message, concluding that we are more than just a casual thing.

I think I'm going to have to ask him again what we are exactly, I still don't understand where he's at

[Heather]

More like with all the salt in the Pacific. Seriously, it's utter junk. I truly am shocked any counselor would suggest it at all.

Sounds like what you probably need to do is just ask to set up a time to talk, making clear that what you want to talk about is where you both think you want this relationship to go. If his answer to that is that he wants some time by himself first before he feels able to discuss that with you, then you two can agree on a period of time for him to do that, where you would then give him that time - and then you'd either just take some time off from communicating at all, or would mutually agree not to talk about this or his life plans until at least the end of that time period.