Who will they choose?

[Ashley.IDK]

Hi. I'm 15 and I live mainly with my mother since my school is so close to my moms house. I see my "father" maybe 3 times a month. Which im absolutely fine with since I don't want to be with him at all. My mom is a single parent who takes care of me completely. 100%. She buys me clothes, makes I have supplies for school, make sure I have clothes for school, makes sure that I have everything i want and need. Shes even buying me a car when i turn 16. But. She does drink and just like other parents she occasionally smokes pot. That DOES NOT make her a bad parent at all. My "father" (lets just call him B) does drink but doesn't smoke pot. +he abuses me he recently jumped on top of me chocked me left a bruise on my chest, scratches on my face, hand, and leg. And he left red marks from savagely beating me with a belt. He plans on taking me to court to gain full custody. I really do not want that. He gives me $300 a month and that's it. I give it to my mom to pay bills which really only pays one bill. My final question is who would win custody ? Thank you.

[Ashley.IDK]

P.S. B also has a wife. So i don't know if it makes a difference cause its a two parent household.

[Heather]

Sue you? I'm feeling confused: a parent can't sue a child for custody.

As I suggested in your other thread today, reporting the abuse that has been happening is going to be the best way to get you to safety, and I would focus on that right now. I would also advise your mother take part in this process through the family courts so you do not have to see him at all. Too, child support is likely part of the current custody agreement, and is legally income he is obligated to give to your mother, not you.

Whether or not either of your parents will be considered as possible custodial parents by the system is up for grabs, but a physically abusive parent who has been reported is unlikely to gain custody, and may not even be allowed unsupervised visitation. A parent with drug issues who is otherwise meeting their parental obligations is unlikely to lose custody, but may be required to get addiction care.

[Ashley.IDK]

What I mean is like take my mum to court to try and get full custody

[Heather]

So, he has said he is going to try and sue your MOTHER, not you. Got it.

Can you fill me in on what your mother knows about the abuse you are suffering from your father, and what she has done so far to protect you and intervene? For instance, why are you still seeing him? Do your parents currently have a custody agreement which gives him a right to a certain number of visits? If so, has your mother gone to the family courts, reported this abuse of you herself, and sought to change that agreement?

It's sounding to me like you're trying to navigate all of this when this really isn't something, besides reporting the abuse yourself and asking your mother for help in keeping you safe, that's for you to do in the first place unless your mother simply isn't doing any of this herself on your behalf.

[Ashley.IDK]

She knows that i hate to go over there and she knows why. Because i feel mistreated, disregarded, and sometimes abused. They don't have a LEGAL arrangement for visitation its more like an agreement that ill come over there sometimes. She doesn't send me there because she knows that i am mistreated there. She has not gone to family courts. We like to "deal" with things ourselves.

[Sam W]

Hi Ashley,

The reason we recommend something like the family court is that abuse is a serious issue, and when you're trying to get an abusive person as much out of your life as possible, you often have to call in legal support to create formal barriers. So involving the courts is a way for her to give you more protection and more options if something else happens. Do you think she'd be willing to go to a family court or otherwise involve the authorities if you asked?

[Ashley.IDK]

No i dont think so

[Sam W]

Do you think she has any particular objection to it?

Also, just so I understand: you're still seeing your father a few times a month. Who is the driving force behind that, and why? If you said "I am not seeing him anymore. Period." what would happen?

[Heather]

Just to be clear, if one of your parents is talking about trying to sue for custody, your mother is going to have to deal with the legal system, and the family courts, whether she wants to or not. And, in all honesty, if you have a parent who has been abusing you -- and a history of abuse from partners as well, as shown in your post history -- it's pretty clear that you and your mother dealing with things yourselves is not working out and may, in fact, be an approach that is keeping you in danger.

[Ashley.IDK]

My mom is the "driving force" behind it all. She's the one who says when I go with him. And i really don't know what would happen if i plainly refused to to go with him. I tried once and he said if i didnt come he was going to kick the door down and take me and it was really going to be a problem.

[Heather]

So, it sounds like getting safe is going to be on you, unfortunately, since it seems your mother isn't acting in the interest of your safety here.

Again, then, all I can do here is encourage you to report the abuse by contacting family services with the number I gave you. I know that seeking out help can be scary, but truly, your safety is at the greatest risk by not doing that, and something has to give here. You said you want to be safe, and I'm right with you there: you deserve to be safe. It stinks that it sounds like neither of your parents are acting in ways that support that, but that doesn't mean you can't get safe. It just means you have to do what you can for yourself here, and that means getting some qualified help.