How can I help be supportive? PLEASE help!!!

[PrincessLuLu]

Okay, so I am a 21 year old female who has been in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend Nate* (name changed for privacy) for almost 7 months. In general, our relationship for the most part is pretty good. We do pretty well most of the time in terms of resolving conflict and communicating our concerns and feelings. Anyways, our physical relationship is pretty good (we are intimate, and have been at least to some degree from very early on in our relationship). We have not had vaginal sex yet (both of us are not experienced in that department, meaning neither of us have had intercourse before), but we have engaged in a variety of other sexual behaviors (making out, caressing, manual sex, mutual masturbation, etc.). Anyways I want to have intercourse, and he says that he does too, but this has been kinda slow. When we first wanted to do so a few months ago, we experienced some issues with condoms (the ones he had were not a comfortable size and were painful to him so we had to stop). We were able to successfully find a brand and type that works well, and we have practiced putting them on and such, but haven't gone through with sex yet. The last time we had an actual conversation about it (a couple weeks ago) he talked about his anxieties about pregnancy risk, because condoms obviously have a failure rate. I responded that I take birth control and have been on this brand and type for a while (I take the pill, and have for 4 1/2 years, and my specific brand TriSprintec i've been on for roughly 3 years. I also am pretty good at taking the pills on time and not missing them. In fact I haven't missed one for a whole day or anything like that for at least a year.). I remember mentioning this with him before, but it was a while ago and I did not give much detail (it just never came up). I utilize this site as well as a number of other sexual health sites to stay up to date and keep myself healthy. Anyways, with the pill and condoms, there is a very low risk of pregnancy, which I also worry about too. I also know of several places in my town to purchase emergency contraception if there were ever a case where both methods failed/weren't likely to be reliable due to meds or something. My whole point is while I am confident that I am taking a lot of responsibility, I feel bad about him being anxious and I want to be supportive, but how do I do so and bring this up without sounding like I am pressuring him? I really don't want him to think he has to do something he is not ready for. I do my best to be patient, but I am starting to feel like he doesn't want to have sex with me, like there is something wrong with me or he doesn't trust me. I love my boyfriend very much, and don't want this to cause a rift between us. What should I do? Please help me out

[Karyn]

Just so I have a clearer idea of what your previous conversations on this have been like: could you give me an idea of how they usually go? Is it something that gets mentioned briefly, or have these been more involved conversations?

One thing I will say is that this is very unlikely to be about him not wanting to have sex with you because there's something wrong with you or he doesn't trust you: it sounds, honestly, like he may just not be ready yet, and that's something you need to accept. You can try sitting down and having another discussion, but if he makes it clear at that point that he's still having some anxiety or is still hesitant, then you figure at that point that you just have to leave it and he'll let you know if/when he's ready. It seems like some of his worries might be coming from his not feeling confident in the methods of birth control you've chosen to use, what causes failure of those methods, things like that, so opening the conversation from a "hey, I know when we talked about this last time you had some concerns about birth control, would it be helpful to have some more information on that?" kind of angle is probably a good way to go. (If you feel like it would be useful, I'm happy to put together a list of pieces on the site that you can go through together or he can read on his own.)

It can be tough when people are in different places per what they want or feel ready for sexually, but it does happen, and ultimately you have to decide for yourself if it's something you can deal with: he gets to decide when he's ready, but you also get to decide if you're happy with your relationship as it is, or if you'd rather shift to being friends, for example, and try dating other people whose sexual wants are a bit more compatible with yours.

[PrincessLuLu]

Sorry I have been unable to respond until now. I am a college student and yesterday was a particularly busy day. Anyways, I'll admit that our conversations on this have not been very involved. Neither of us are very sexually experienced outside of each other (other than Nate I have only had some experience with one other person, and the farthest I got with the other person was making out & handjobs; he has never dated or had any intimate relationship with another person before me). I understand it's possible he doesn't feel ready, which I am okay with. I guess I know it's important to talk about this with him, but I am not sure how to do so because I don't want him to think I am pressuring him (I'm totally not, I don't want to do things with him unless he's comfortable with it too. He does this with me, and I believe in mutual respect of boundaries). You said there's some pages on this site that may be helpful to starting this conversation and giving more information on my birth control methods (I take birth control pills and have condoms on hand. I also have the ability to purchase Plan B at a number of drugstores and pharmacies for a good price close to where I live and go to school.). Could you possibly point out some of these? I really appreciate your help, and I want to continue seeing Nate at this point. I just want to communicate better on this while still being supportive. Thank you so much for helping me with this.

[Redskies]

No worries, the conversation's here for you whenever you want and can. That's one of the advantages of messageboards, I think!

Let's pass you the information you wanted.
Combined Oral Contraceptives (The Pill)
Condoms
The Buddy System: Effectiveness Rates for Backing Up Your Birth Control With a Second Method
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... suring_her

You can also find a lot of other information on the main site by clicking on the "readiness" tag and by using the search function.

I'd suggest you lead with some of the things you've said to us here: that you love him very much, that you don't want him to think he has to do something he's not ready for, and you don't want to do things with him unless he's comfortable too. Big head-nod to you here for bringing that to the table yourself: like the person in the advice column I linked you to, it says good things about you that you're thinking of how your boyfriend will feel and wanting to be careful not to pressure him. I think the two lower pieces I linked you to will give you more ideas about things that you want to say and how to say it - we're happy to help you figure those out.

I'd add in to the mix that when you and he have these conversations, it's important that you go in with the aims of creating an environment where you both feel comfortable enough to communicate, and of hearing and grasping what he says to you, and not the aim of fixing anything or finding solutions. For sure, the two of you will likely want to get to those last aims with time, but communication about these kinds of things usually goes much better when they're not on the table at the very beginning, so that it feels like there's enough comfy room for everyone to figure out and express where they're at and what they want to say. Giving him space to simply be and say where he's at, without immediately suggesting solutions, will be one way you can help him feel heard, supported and not pressured.

You said he has anxieties. Sometimes anxieties are about very concrete issues which can be resolved, either at one time or in some changed circumstances in the future. Sometimes, though, they're not, and a person keeps feeling scared and having scary "what if?" thoughts no matter what they do about the actual issue. When that happens, although the thing they're scared about might be unreal or very unlikely, their feelings are very real indeed; those feelings also usually don't change by being reasoned with. In those situations, it's not the realities of the situation which really need attention and dealing with, it's the feelings - of course, if the person themself wants to. I think you don't currently have enough information to have a good handle on what might be going on for your boyfriend, but I wanted to make sure that you knew about this so that if you do find yourself hearing it from him, you're better able to grasp it from the beginning.