Need someone to talk too

[Sam W]

GingerPhoenix, I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this (also, I think your therapist could have handled that better than they did). I second the RAINN hotline, and also checking in with the internet friends who have been supportive in the past. I think the best you can do is be gentle with yourself right now, and do some self-care (especially self care that comforts or distracts you so that your brain gets a rest from feeling tired and upset).

I also want to ask, if there's a local rape crisis center near you, they may have advocates who can accompany you to the recording and other meetings (such as law enforcement). They can help you understand anything that feels confusing or intimidating, and advocate for you if your needs or feelings are not being heard.

[Heather]

RAINN should have given you a local referral, btw, as that is a big part of what they are supposed to do for survivors, so if they didn't, do ask for one next time.

That will give you not just extra support services, from people who are more qualified than most to help survivors, but it will also give you an advocate. That means that if and when your therapist, for instance, has not followed the right protocols (and it sounds like they make not be, unless there's something in all of this, like you expressing suicidal feelings or you still being within reach of someone who abused you, I am missing), they can help you get that rectified. Same goes for going with you to any police visits, if you are choosing to do that. If that was NOT your choice, a local service can also get you a lawyer to help assure your rights are recognized in any of this.

[GingerPhoenix]

Idk. I don't know if RAINN helped and it's really just reality dumping on me from all this.

[Heather]

Ginger, I just reviewed the whole of your history here and just wanted to share some things with you given what you've said here:

I told my therapist and she mad me tell my mom and she had to report it because I'm a minor and I feel like my life is falling apart but know one else knows. I go to school and everyone just sees my happy go luck front but inside I'm one bad look from falling apart. I've been going headaches at night I think from holding back everything. Nights just suck for me. I wish I had a boyfriend or sibling to hold to making falling asleep easier. I have a teddy bear I clutch for dear life and take Benadryl which knocks me out.

...I'm gonna have to go to the police station and they have to record me describing everything and then people get to watch it and with my fucking luck it will be someone I know and they will tell everyone and then everyone will look at my differently.

For one, you do NOT have to go to the police station. The police can't compel a victim of a crime to report or make any statements to them. That's just not something they can lawfully do. So, if anyone is telling you you have to, and you do not want to, what I would suggest you do is hold your own line there by refusing. If you don't feel you can do that alone, then again, let's make sure someone -- if RAINN hasn't done it for you, we can -- gets you connected with a local survivors advocacy group or organization so you have someone else who can back you up here.

Too, the fact that you are a minor does NOT, in the United States, obligate a therapist to report, or force you to report, past abuse to anyone: either a parent or the police. They, too, are also not obligated to report to the police. Were this current abuse, and were you still in immediate danger of continued abuse from this person, that could be a different situation, but my understanding is it has been many years since this abuse, it is not current, and you are not in any danger from this person now. So, again, unless I'm missing any piece of this here (you say social workers, so is it possible your mother was reported for neglect?), what you have shared with us about this doesn't show anything that would put your therapist in a position of being legally obligated to report your past abuse to anyone without your permission and willing participation.

If they have acted otherwise, my best advice would be that you stop seeing this therapist and ask them to refer you to someone else or, at the least, ask them to share with you WHY they did this and to show you what licensing protocols they feel have compelled them to do so. This is also something where, if you get connected with an advocate, they can be with you to have your back and to remind your therapist about what the real legal protocols are. They can also fill you in on that so if anyone suggests otherwise to get you to do something you do not want to do, you can know what your rights are.

[Heather]

Ginger: if you'd like are are around now, I'm here today and would be happy to open up chat to talk with you.

[GingerPhoenix]

My therapist said because I was a minor she HAD to report it. She reported it and a child service person came to my house and said that I would need to be questioned by the police if I want to press charges which fuck yeah I do.

I'm available to chat whenever

[Heather]

That is not the legal policy in the United States for past abuse, just so you're aware: there is no legal obligation for therapists to report past abuse, regardless of your age now. (But by all means, to press charges, you do need to make reports and answer questions, and it sounds like that part was your choice.)

I'll go ahead and turn chat on now, you're certainly welcome to come in and we can talk about this, or just to get some more general support.

[GingerPhoenix]

okay so an update~

ive been to my local child advocacy center and did the police interview. i described the guy and his wife to a T and they showed me current pics of them and its SO fucking weird they have just gotten fatter and saggier and thats it. ive been to a few sessions after. had one today in fact. we talked about how i was doing prety good but we think its do to me having locked away from emotions. besides surface emotions i cant feel true emotion. im just sorta emotion neutral unless i see a joke or something then im happy for a second until the joke wears off.

i dont know if im actually dealing with the abuse or just not appying the emotions to it. i think about it multiple times daily. like right now i can see a video of it in my head, did i mention i have photographic memory?

ok another major thing ive realized is that i dont know if im suicidal or not. i would never actively do something to kill myself but i have no respect for my life. if someone were about to be hit by a car i would gladly sacrifice myself for them. i would be glad if i was dead. as long as it wasnt by my own hands. i couldnt deal with the guilt of my family

ive definitely been getting more depressed and darker and darker

[Sam W]

Hi Gingerphoenix,

I'm sorry to hear you've been in such a low place recently. just want to say that it took a lot of strength even to go to the child advocacy center, so that's something to be proud of yourself for.

Have you spoken to the person you've been having sessions with about your depression, especially the feelings of not respecting your own life? Because if not, that's something I'd urge you to do soon (you could even see about making an appointment that's earlier than the next one you have scheduled). Too, can I suggest making a plan for what to do in those dark moments to help you ride them out safely (like self-care, or calling a hotline)?

[GingerPhoenix]

I haven't spoken about the not repeating my life thing. I'll think about it though.

What self care would you suggest?

[Amanda]

Self care can look so many different ways, and trying different things is a good way to figure out what works best for you. Here are some ideas that you could pick and choose from, depending on how you feel at a given moment or what appeals to you:
-Take a bubble bath and listen to music
-Write a letter to your future self (in six months, a year, five years, or more), and tell her how you're feeling, and your hopes and dreams for her. Or write a letter to yourself as if she were a friend or loved one in order to build self-compassion.
-Try a guided meditation or guided imagery exercise--a quick internet search will give you a lot to choose from
-Make or buy your favorite food
-Write out mantras and affirmations for yourself and post them around your space so you can read them often (things like "this too shall pass" or "I am worthy")

These articles may help too: Self-Care a La Carte
Self-Care When It's Scary

[GingerPhoenix]

I'll do some of those