my boyfriend doesn't like sex?

[kittenkatie]

my boyfriend and i have been dating for about a year. i love him more than anything; he's incredibly sweet to me, he tries really hard to make me happy and we almost never fight.

the only problem is our sex life.

he doesn't like sex in the way a guy normally does. he gets turned on by me, but the only thing he wants to do is a very specific fantasy: he likes me to kneel next to me in a skirt while he masturbates to climax to me. he'll go down on me or use a vibrator on me to make sure i climax too, but he only has sex with me if i ask. he never initiates it himself, and then it takes him a long time to get hard enough to have sex.

he says that his orgasm from sex is better than an orgasm from masturbating, but that actually getting to orgasm (by stroking) is better when masturbating. I've tried to get him to try other positions to see if it feels better, but he only ever wants cowgirl because he says he can't orgasm any other way than on his back.

i guess my question is, is this a medical condition? is there a way to help him want to have sex? i love him so much, but it's hard to think about never being sexually appeased for as long as we date.

[Sam W]

Hi kittenkatie,

Just so you know, there is no "normal" when it comes to how often or in what way guys (or anybody really) wants to have sex. It sounds like it's not that he doesn't want to have sex, but that penis in vagina sex is not necessarily his thing. That's okay too, but it sounds like it's a kind of sex that's very important for you to have. When you two have that kind of sex, what would happen if you focused less on orgasming during it and more on just exploring and enjoying each others bodies? Because what I'm hearing is that part of his disinterest in exploring different positions and such is that he can't (or thinks he can't) orgasm from them. So if you take orgasm off the table as the goal and instead just focus on pleasure, both of you might find it more to your liking. But, obviously, if there are certain sexual things he's not comfortable with, then he gets to abstain from them.

Can you clarify for me what you mean but not being sexually appeased, so that we can brainstorm some ideas?

[kittenkatie]

I like having penis in vagina sex, and he doesn't like any kind of sex involving that. He only likes masturbating and making out. I'm really frustrated because I want something very different than what he wants.
Is it possible that he is asexual?

[Redskies]

Really, only he can say whether or not he's asexual, because only he knows what kinds of desire and attraction he does and doesn't feel and what framework best fits that.

There's still plenty of information that you and we Can work with, though.

I feel like I need to be a bit clearer about a few things in order to best help you. In your first post, you said "he only ever wants cowgirl", and just above, you said "he doesn't like any kind of sex involving that [penis in vagina]". Do you mean that he's happy enough to have intercourse in one position and is simply not super-excited by it, or that he dislikes it and would rather not do it but finds it the most bearable way of having intercourse? Or something else?

There isn't a way of getting someone else to like or want a sexual thing that they don't already want. Too, it'd be wrong to try: that'd involve some big issues with consent and very likely head into coercion and pressuring territory, even if it wasn't intended. Of course, no caring person would want to be a part of that - quite the opposite, most people would be horrified - so it's best to stay very firmly within what everyone has already clearly expressed they really want to do.

You sound pretty clear that you want a different kind of sexual relationship than what your boyfriend wants, and that you don't think you'll feel happy within what he's able and willing to bring to the table. If that's the case, it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with either of you, or that you should try to make the sexual part of the relationship work because the other parts of it are great. Sometimes it happens that people who are super-compatible and super-happy in some ways aren't compatible in others, or aren't in one particular way that's important to one or both of them. I know it can be really challenging, sad and confusing when that happens! What do you feel about the possibility of not dating him or having a sexual relationship with him but still keeping the elements of the relationship that do work for you both?