Gender Expression: Why is this so hard?

[Marlowe]

Hi there!

The Background: I'm a dfab individual but my gender expression is very much androgynous/more masculine; I wear bow ties, I don't wear make up, short hair, pants 99.9% of the time etc. and I have a pretty young face. All of this combined makes me look well androgynous (yay) but younger than my peers (boo). For the most part I'm pretty confident about it! I feel good about the way I dress.

The Problem: As good as I feel about it, my mother has never been keen about it and lately has been urging me to Not Dress That Way more than usual. In fact, she's saying that the Way I Dress is harming me socially and professionally. Yikes. Again, it's not like I dress radically, my style is quite neat and conservative, it's just not conventionally feminine.

So I'm wondering if there is enough truth to her fears to change my style or if she's just being a pessimist about it. I understand that a fair bit of the world is pretty conservative, but at the same time I need to be true to myself... and this is all just kind of bumming me out! I need some hope and advice here.

Thanks!

[Eddie C]

Hello there, Marlowe. Welcome to Scarleteen!

I can't say for sure what impact this will have on your personal/social/professional life but what I do know is that, being true to yourself (including dressing the way you want/like/feel more comfortable) is always better than pretending to be something you are not.

Yes, the way we present ourselves to the world can have an effect on our lives but that's not necessarily bad. If you present yourself in a way that feels comfortable to you it is more probable that the people you are going to attract are people who -- in their own way -- feel comfortable enough with themselves and to my mind those are the best people you could possibly surround yourself with.

I'm leaving the door open for other people and their insights but I want to finish my reply with one awesome quote from Dr. Seuss: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

[Heather]

Personally, I find the concern about a professional impact misplaced and very out of date (especially since chances are she's about my age, and a lot of us were dressing this way in the 80s). Maybe she's just a bit behind the times and not very current with this stuff, a propensity pretty much everyone gets more and more inclined to as we get older.

Unless you're working at Hooters, I don't see this style being an issue for anyone anymore.

On the other hand, I do see it potentially hurting you -- and other people, including employers -- not to be yourself and bring your unique self to the table. Nobody, personally or professionally, benefits much from a homogeneous world, IMO. As someone who is an employer, I know I benefit (and so does Scarleteen) tremendously from people who work for us being who they are, and bringing their uniqueness, and I think we'd be pretty cheated if anyone came here leaving who they are at the door, or pretending to be someone else.

Maybe remind your Mom about Ellen DeGeneres' success as one example? She, too, dresses and presents dapper, and her success is pretty outer-limits-big, including with people and companies who certainly skew more conservatively.

[Snorkmaiden]

Hey Marlowe,
Our styles are pretty similar! I don't generally do bow ties, but everything else sounds like we could share wardrobes. And I've got the young-looking face thing going on, too. Short hair, flat shoes, pants or sometimes a kilt, no makeup. That's me.

I can assure you that none of this has never hurt me socially. I have friends, I have a partner, I have a social life.
Professionally, let me just say that there are oh, so many lines of work where this is not even a little bit relevant. In other words, I think your mother is being too pessimistic. She is most likely coming from a good place, as far as I can see. So maybe don't be too hard on her.
I do agree with your remark that you need to be true to yourself. Go, you! You sound fabulous to me!

[Sunshine]

Hey there,

I doubt the social issue will be much of a problem. You wouldn't want friends who don't accept you for who you are, would you?

Professionally - that would depend on the job and the people you work with, but in most places, I don't see how a woman would be at a disadvantage for looking rather androgynous / masculine.

Generally, I have the impression that in most circles, it's considered kind of cool for a woman to adopt a masculine look and / or typically masculine behaviors. I think it's much more difficult the other way around.

Could it be that your mother is actually worried about other things? You say you look younger than you are - maybe she's worried you won't be taken seriously enough? Also, you say in your profile that you identify as gay and an androgynous look is often associated with that, especially in more conservative people's minds. Perhaps your mom is concerned that you will suffer discrimination because she thinks people can "see" you are gay?

[Marlowe]

Oh my gosh, thank you for all your responses! They were definitely reassuring and again- thank you!

@Sunshine, you actually hit the nail on the head there. Ever since I've come out, she's been worried about the discrimination I'd face and not being taken serious enough. I mean I'm definitely conscious about being taken seriously. It's something I'm trying to navigate myself in my style and I do know that sometimes I look like a 12 year old boy playing professional dress up. I do appreciate her looking out for me, it's just she can get a bit disparaging about it. She's very black and white and almost by default I exist in a grey area.

[Heather]

Perhaps that's a conversation to have with her, then?