Discouraged

[MzB]

Hello,

I feel as if I've reached a point where I just don't know if I can handle the stress of doing "intimate" things. I'm 22, in graduate school, and feel like I've got a pretty good grip on life. The one area that isn't adding up for me is doing anything intimate.
This is all stemming from an encounter last week. (To elaborate, I was with a friend and ending up giving him oral sex. He didn't wear a condom which I know was a bad choice, but I didn't think anything of the STI risk. I wanted to do this, and I was comfortable because I had my clothes on, and he only briefly put his hand down my pants which I didn't mind. Granted, he came on my hand at the end, but I went and rinsed my hand with water, wiped it on a towel, and then used the bathroom.) I experienced no anxiety the night of this event, but it's like.. my mind can't stay calm at this point. I'm not writing to you because I think I had an incident that could cause pregnancy. I KNOW that I didn't. But, for some reason whenever my mind is pretty blank, I just sit here with the most ridiculous "what-ifs", and as I said, I'm smart enough to know I didn't do anything to be concerned about, but for some reason, it's just not sitting well with me.

I also would like to note that I'm a virgin, because I know that if I were to engage in sex (by choice), it would haunt me until I got my period, but probably after that as well. I have had many boyfriends and participate in oral, and this type of mental behavior/obsessing always seems to follow regardless of the circumstances.
Another point of interest is that I only started participating in oral sex two years ago when I came to college. The first encounter was miserable, where this guy basically made me give him oral. It left me feeling strange and I was worried for months after.. which took a toll on me.

I guess I'm just looking for some insight, because this is very upsetting to me. I feel like I'm mature, yet this makes me question whether I'll ever be comfortable with sexual activities because I'm already 22 and this is still happening to me. I just want to be normal and not worry or obsess about these things, but sometimes I just feel like I can't get away from it.

Sorry for the long post, I'm just lost. Thank you.

[Amanda]

MzB,

Welcome the boards, first of all.

What I'm understanding is that you have been a part of a fair amount of sex that you didn't really want, and that does absolutely take its toll on people. I'm really sorry to hear that you've had to deal with that. If you aren't experiencing any anxiety in any other areas of your life, I think it's likely that your feelings stem from a sense of disempowerment when it comes to your sexuality. Anxiety around sex, including irrational pregnancy anxiety, can be the mind's way of dealing with these harmful or even traumatic situations. You shouldn't ignore it--something's not right.

What have you done to process and unpack that original sexual assault? I'm not sure if you or others have used that term, but by our and any legal definition, that is what any coercive sexual act is defined as. More about that here: Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault

Also, you should know that your age and maturity level have really nothing to do with how comfortable you "should" be with any kind of sex (basically, "should" is not a word we throw around regarding sex, or lackthereof at all ) However, if you feel less comfortable than you would like to feel, and are experiencing a sense of discord between your desire to be sexual on your own terms and the actualization of that desire, that is definitely an issue. Solving that issue may look a lot of different ways. It can look like learning more about how to navigate healthy relationships, as well as therapy, joining a support group, journaling, meditation, and/or anything else that allows you to access and process your feelings and move forward more confidently.

Above all, know that sex is something that should only happen when each person involved feels safe, respected, and gives their enthusiastic consent. More about that here: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent

I hope this helps.

[Amanda]

This article too might be helpful: You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You think You Are?

[MzB]

Amanda,
Thank you for the links, they really opened my eyes to things like coercion and nonconsensual situations.
After the original sexual assault, I tried to deal with it on my own. I internalized my feelings of being upset and let the anxiety take over, which is something I shouldn't have done. I eventually confided in my best friend, which led to me becoming physically sick and experience panic attacks.

I guess my struggle keeps resulting from situations where I tell myself that I'm comfortable, when in fact I'm not, but not knowing how to deal with it. I just want to be able to participate in things without my mind taking over, but that might not be possible for me at this time.
I will look into some of the options you presented to me, and hopefully find something that will help me.

Thanks again!

[Karyn]

Amanda has made a lot of good suggestions, but I wanted to mention (in case you might be interested in checking in with a therapist or counsellor to figure out some strategies for dealing with anxiety), most universities have counselling centres that provide free or low-cost services to students. Sometimes they also offer support groups or group counselling, if that's more your style.