Sexuality confusion, please help.

[Captainspoon]

Hi scarleteen team!

Okay so I am really confused about my sexuality.

long story short, as long as I can remember I've found guys to be physically attractive. Loads of guys who I think are so hot and absolutely unreal. It was like when I looked at them I just felt something, like something kind of clicked. I find them attractive. But I haven't had that emotional spark with a guy yet. I know kissing them makes me wet and warm "down there" (what I would call being turned on I suppose? )and I always imagine myself with male celebs. Have had massive crushes on them etc. like my obsession with Jason derulo and Jesse McCartney was insane ..

However i became friends with a girl in the year above me in school when I was 15 (I'm 20 now)and i guess we just clicked on an emotional level and became best friends as well as inseperable. one night we were drinking and i was staying in her house and she dared me to make out with her. at first i was like no thats weird but she kept being like you're such a chicken bet you wont do it.. so after a while i brought myself to do it. wasnt great. felt kinda weird. but for some reason it kept happening when i would stay over. i guess we were so close i didnt think anything of it. she pushed further and again i said no but she told me it would be good practise for boys. At the time myself and my boyfriend had broken up and had only ever made out. She said it would be better to learn all of this stuff from her so it wasn't awkward when I did it with guys and basically we had a sexual relationship for a few months which I never saw happening in my life.

Now I don't know if I am bi or straight or gay. I was always obsessed with guys even as this was going on, and only ever had romantic thoughts about men. I never thought she was hot or anything like that either.
How do you know what gender you are attracted to?From a young age I've known that I find guys hot so does that mean I'm not a lesbian ? Is it possible it was just experimenting ?

Also, whilst I know only I can really know (and I do think I am) would you say I am attracted to guys ? I am in my eyes the most obsessive and compulsive over thinker and will overthink things past the point of logic. I mean I know I've always found guys attractive and had crushes on guys. When I was about 10 I had a crush on this guy in my park that lasted ages because I thought he was so hot ! And all my romantic fantasies are about men. Like is that proof that in attracted to them ?
Thanks so much!

[Amanda]

Hi Captainspoon,

The number one thing that jumps out at me here is the fact that your friend pressured you into doing/trying things that you weren't really into. I hope you have come to realize that is not a healthy relationship or friendship model. How do you feel when you look back on that relationship?

In terms of your sexual identity, that is entirely for you to decide. Seriously. No matter what you have or haven't done, your sexual identity and how you choose to present it to the world is totally up to you. Also, sexual orientation is somewhat fluid, and can change over time. It's also normal to experiment when you're young, which may or may not correlate to a future identity. Not having or choosing a label, while it might feel a little unsettling, is fine, for anyone of any age. What sorts of feelings are you having around your identity right now? Does the idea of being gay/bi/or otherwise queer bother you at all?

Here are some articles you might find helpful:
The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone
Q is for Questioning
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

[Captainspoon]

Hi Amanda.

Looking back I feel uncomfortable with how obsessed we were with each other. It was a toxic friendship. Also the idea of being anything other than straight doesn't sit well with me because growing up I always thought I was straight because of how I liked guys. I don't remember feeling like that with girls. Also, could you please answer me this or at least give me your opinion?

Growing up, and for as long as I can remember I would think guys were hot. Not that I knew they were good looking or could appreciate their good looks, but it was like when I looked at them I felt something, something that made me say wow they are so hot. I always had crushes on male celebs and always imagined myself romantically involved with them and kissing them. ( I was young so I didn't imagine sex)

Now when I think of myself kissing a hot guy I get kind of a rush down there, and I know that kissing them turns me on.

Is this how I should know I'm attracted to males? Or would that be a big indication that I am attracted to them ?

I am so crazy at over thinking that I can't seem to get into my head that i obviously like guys

[Amanda]

Hmm, the "toxic friendship" bit might be a clue that there is more to explore there--either on your own, through journaling and such, or with a therapist. Negative experiences that we have at such formative ages can really mess with us. How have you gone about working through all of this so far?

By all accounts, it definitely sounds to me like you're attracted to guys. It's sort of like, with me, I know I can be attracted to people with all sorts of identities, but that doesn't mean I've had sex with or dated someone with EVERY possible gender identity. I just know, based on my experiences and feelings. Right now I'm with a cisgendered guy, but that doesn't invalidate other experiences or feelings I've had. It sounds to me like you have some trouble trusting your own feelings, and some anxiety/shame/guilt around what happened with your friend that is interfering with that ability. Perhaps the idea of being queer for you is associated with this negative memory. Internalized homophobia/biphobia is also at play for most people, regardless of orientation.

[Amanda]

I hope I'm not overwhelming you with articles (read only what you find helpful/interesting), but here are two more that might help you frame what happened with your friend.
Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent
Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault

[Captainspoon]

You see I had never really had a best friend. I was always in groups where I felt like if any person was diaposable it was me. But this girl wanted to be friends with me and I loved the fact that I finally was someone's first choice!

Yeah I have a very hard time trusting my own feelings. I think it's because I haven't felt that spark with a guy just yet. I will ALWAYS find some reason to doubt myself. I'm really a walking definition of a "what if" kind of person. So you would say I am attracted to guys ? Like i really like fooling around with them. I think it's fun! And not to be gross but I can admit that I like penises :p They're fun to play with (not to he gross haha)I just don't know why I never believe myself. It's like I constantly need to be worried about something that causes me to lose sleep. Like talking to you now it's clear in my head that I like guys. But when I'm alone with my thought I over think and analyze everything

It's not the fact that it was slightly forced on me it's the fact that I feel like my judgment was clouded by this friendship. Looking back I lost myself. This girl didn't want me hanging out with other friends, so I didn't etc. and looking back now I kind of feel like oh my god what were you doing

[Heather]

I think it can help to remember that, truly, all we ever need to know in this regard is if we are or are not interested in an individual person -- whatever their gender -- in a given way, and then what, if anything, we want to do about those feelings.

In other words, in the moment, if we are going to pursue sexual or romantic feelings, we don't need to know if we have the possibility of having them for this giant group or that one, because we can't pursue those feelings in action with any group made of billions of people. We only need to know how we feel about a given person -- or, usually at most, few people, if we are open to and want to pursue these interactions or relationships with more than one person at a time -- at any given time.

How people figure out orientation tends to be by observing patterns over time, patterns which will tend to establish themselves pretty clearly for most people by the time they're into or through their 20s, if not before. If you find that for the last few years, and the next few, it's dudes you mostly have these feelings for and want to put into action, then you'll know it's dudes you mostly have these feelings for and can (but don't have to!) pick any given term or language to describe that pattern of attraction with accordingly. Same would go if it was women instead, or if it was more of a mix.

But this really is the kind of thing that works better when you don't try and force it, you just give it time to reveal itself over time, and you just go with how you feel and what feels truest for you based on what you know so far. And then, again, with any given individual, it really doesn't matter, because all that matters there is if you feel a given way about that person as a whole person, not as a representative of their gender in a bigger way, and what you, and they, want to do with those feelings. Make sense?

[Captainspoon]

Hi heather! Thanks for the advice ! However I do have a question! I always doubt all my thoughts and feelings. I'm a what if Persian who always focuses on the negative .. Now from my above posts would you say I am attracted to guys ? Like I know 100% I find guys super hot, like I know that if opportunity arose to hook up with these guys I would. I also know if I hook up with a hot guy and then I hear about him getting with someone else I get super jealous. I know I actually like penises, as stated above. And all of my romantic fantasies are about guys. Like I had the BIGGEST crush on Jesse mc cart net hustling bieber and I remember being as young as ten and having crushes on hot guys in my park. ! Like would that be indicative as to an attraction towards men ?

[Heather]

The way to gain faith and confidence in your own feelings and self-assessments isn't to ask someone else to tell you how you feel. It's to do what you can to stop doing that!

So, I'm going to do what I can to encourage you with that by not answering what you're asking, and by reminding you that you are the expert of you, not an external source.

No one else can tell you to whom you feel attraction or what your orientation is. The only person who can reliably do that is you.

And describing to me, or anyone else, all of this stuff about how you're attracted to men then asking if you are is also pretty silly. It'd be like me telling you that I have cookies every night after supper, dream of cookies, love everything about cookies, have liked this kind of cookie and that kind, then asking you if you think I like cookies.

[Captainspoon]

Thanks heather. While I accept I must learn to trust my feelings myself, for the time being peace of mind would be fantastic. Even just your opinion, like would you think someone was attracted to men of they told you what I wrote above ? Again I mean I know that it means I'm attracted to men but a second opinion would be much appreciated and very calming

[Heather]

I'm going to hold my line with that and ask that you please respect it.

I think what might be more productive is to talk about why you're not calm about this. What's your worry here? What is there NOT to be calm about? After all, you're here talking to people (including myself) who aren't straight, so it's not like in the event you had been experiencing kinds of attraction that aren't so exclusive as you have been that there's be anything wrong with that, or that that would be any less okay than being straight.

[Captainspoon]

Thanks heather, I only saw the bit about cookies now haha. I guess you're right, I obviously do like guys. It's just comforting and reassuring to get an opinion from someone who doesn't overthink like I do. I overthink things past the point of reason. So I like hearing the opinion of someone who adds 2 and 2 and gets four, not like me who ends up with 67

[Heather]

No problem.

And again, I think it would be a good idea to have a think (or a talk here) about why you're even so concerned about this at all.

[Captainspoon]

I think it's because I am such a what if person, I always focus on the what ifs and maybes rather than the logical and rational answers. I'm a worrier and very obsessive, although talking to yo now it's become clear that I am not gay, I actually feel a lot more at ease trusting myself

[Heather]

Right, but the "what if" of what if you weren't straight is...that you wouldn't be straight. Why worry about that any more than you'd worry about say, "What if I was tall instead of short?"