Why cant I have good sex?

[carryballoons]

Hi all,

So I'm 23 and had sex for the first time pretty recently. My partner is more experienced than I am and has been really patient with me and going at my pace. But the first time HURT and I bled after. I had hoped that it wouldn't have, since I know it doesn't have to. I was nervous and not turned on enough, but I had just wanted to get my first time out of the way, so I didn't worry about it all that much.
What does bother me is that we've had sex three more times and while it does hurt less, it still isn't comfortable and it certainly isn't fun. I still just cant get turned on enough to enjoy myself. I'm attracted to him, and I have no issue getting wet but I just don't feel aroused. He's gone down on me and fingered me, and it just never feels good, if anything I let him keep trying and then it just starts to hurt.
I masturbate and don't have a hard time getting myself off, and when he uses his hands he isn't doing anything all that different. I just don't understand. I keep thinking that maybe next time will be better but I'm starting to get really discouraged.

[Heather]

Hey there, carryballoons. Sorry to hear you are feeling so frustrated.

Can you give me a bigger picture, if there is one, of your sexual history, including with masturbation? Has this been your only sexual partner, for any kind of sex, not just intercourse? If not, has it been similar with others? With this partner, do you feel aroused by or with him in general? Have you shown him what you do that works for you with masturbation, and if so, has that made any difference?

Do you have any sense or ideas about what feels so different with this person, physically and emotionally, compared to how you feel while masturbating?

[carryballoons]

He's been my only sexual partner. I've had other partners who I've made out with, and I've gotten them off but this is my first experience on the receiving end. When we kiss I am aroused, but I dont stay aroused for long, which is something I noticed with past partners. I more enjoyed the act of kissing but never felt the real urge to take it further, if that makes any sense. But I've never felt any sort of arousal just by being around him. Whats strange to me though, is that I have no issue getting wet or staying wet during sex.
I've tried to show him what I do when I masturbate and he's open to it but usually by that point I'm too embarrassed and frustrated that I dont think I could even get myself off, so it hasnt done too much good.
Maybe I'm thinking about it too much? But its hard not to...

If I really think about what might be different, there isnt really any pressure when I'm masturbating. But I've tried to just relax and enjoy the moment when he's given me oral or fingered me and even that did nothing for me, so I don't know.
My friends have told me to just keep trying 'cause eventually it should feel good, and maybe thats good advice but I'm starting to wonder if maybe there is just something wrong with me.

Thank you so much for responding!

[Karyn]

This may seem like a very basic question, but: is having sex - any kind of sex, not just vaginal intercourse - something you feel you really want right now? Or might it be more the case (as some of what you're saying here seems to suggest) that you want to want it, or you feel like you should want it?

[Heather]

Too, I hear you saying you just generally do not feel aroused by or with this person. And that really is ground zero for enjoying yourself with someone. And enjoying yourself is most often ground zero for reaching orgasm.

Can I ask, with this partner and previous partners, if you have not felt sexually aroused by them, or have felt a lack of strong sexual desire for them, why you chose to be sexual with them?

(I do not mean that to sound like some kind of accusation, btw, it is not. Just trying to get that information to see how we can help.)

Just FYI, lubricating genitally does not automatically mean someone is turned on, just like having an erection does not. We are going to know if we are turned on or not much more per our sense of that with our minds and emotionally than per what bodies or their parts do, which are less reliable indicators.

Also, I disagree with your friends, and think you were actually given poor advice, especially if they knew you generally just do not feel turned on with your partner. Engaging in more sex is not likely to change that, especially sex you are not enjoying. Instead, continuing to have sex that does not feel good for you or you are not into is most likely to make it less and less likely it will be something you will enjoy, as each time, it gets associated with negatuve, apathetic or frustrated feelings a bit more.

Plus, sex is supposed to be about feeling good, so doing it when it does not is pretty counter to that.

[carryballoons]

Its something I want emotionally. Its something I want to experience and have been looking forward to but sex isnt something I've felt a strong physical urge to do.

I never had sex with previous partners because I didnt feel sexually attracted to them. With my current partner I felt physically comfortable and ready to experience sex but no, there was no strong feeling of arousal. I was aroused a bit while we made out, but never anything overwhelming or long lasting.

So I'm not sure what to do. I want to have sex, and I want to enjoy sex. Also, I'm incredibly comfortable with this partner and wish we could have sex we both enjoy. I find him attractive, so I don't know why I dont have any strong feelings of arousal towards him. Maybe I just have a really low libido?

[Ruth]

It seems like you've reference discomfort a couple of times - being embarrassed and frustrated about showing your partner what you like, and feeling pressure when it's partnered sex rather than you by yourself. Do you think that possibly there are things that you and/or your partner could do to help you feel more relaxed? Nervousness and emotional discomfort is a pretty big obstacle to any kind of arousal right there.

However, I'm also thinking that probably ground zero for experiencing arousal with someone is experiencing sexual desire for them, and that's not something you're describing with your current partner at all. I mean, I have many friends that I find attractive, and am comfortable and emotionally intimate with, but based on those factors alone I'm not going to choose to be sexual with them. Is the idea that maybe your relationship is one that would work better without sex one that you could be comfortable with?

If sex is something that you want emotionally, do you think there are other ways that you can fill that emotional need? For instance, if it's a need for intimacy then are there other activities with your partner such as back rubs or cuddling that you two can do together?

[Heather]

I asked about other partners becuase you said you had gotten them off, which I presumed meant via some kind of sexual activity? Am I missing something? If not, do I have it right you engaged in some kind if sex with them, too, even though you did not feel desire or arousal with them?

And when you say sex is something you want emotionally, does that mean with sexual activity with this partner or others, you have experienced sex (of any kind) as something that feels emotionally satisfying for you?

Just trying to do some more fact-finding.

[Heather]

If you don't mind, I'd like to add a few more questions. I know all of this is super-personal, so please know it's always okay not to answer anything we ask:
• When you masturbate, when you do seem to describe feeling aroused and physically enjoying yourself, any fantasy? If so, are other people in that fantasy? What kind of people?
• Do you feel like you have ever felt an earnestly sexual attraction -- not you like how someone looks and they tick your aesthetic boxes, but you feel that spark or zing most people call sexual chemistry, where you also feel a strong desire to touch them and have them touch you, in ways you consider or experience as sexual, for yourself -- for someone else?
• Have all of your partners -- again, assuming that when you say you "got them off," you mean you engaged in some kind of sex with them, like manual or oral sex -- been of the same gender or gender presentation? If so, any sense at all that that's not the right group for you and another group of people, per gender or how they express it, might be?
• Have you done any reading about asexuality, or from asexually-identified people? If so, has any of that ever clicked for you and felt like it might be about you?