I Need Help Now And Fast !!!(Relationship)

[audrey1999]

I am going through a really rough relationship. I cant tell if were together or not cause of his off and on emotions . All i ever as i can do is try and take care of him and do as much for him, but he seem to cant get the message. There's only one wrong thing i may have done (while we were together) was tell him i didnt want him talkin to girls, but he doesnt understand i tell him that because of what he has done, and he actually said i cant talk to boys first. but when first started goin out he was goin to the movies w/ other girls and sittin entirly too close to them. then 8 months went by and i decided we should take a little break because we were startin to argue a lil too much n that same day he went over to some girls house. Then the next day he turns around and go out with her then 2 months went by n he started datin one of my bestfriends and shee was sending him pictures , so then i started cuttin snd stabbin myself. then he invited some girl over snd he said they was kissin and they were about to have sex, he said he didnt do it cause he couldnt get hard, then he changes it up n says his stomach was hurtin, so i decided to send some pictures to someone ( and this is the ONLY thing ive done while we was not together .) then thing started gettin worse, he invited another girl over his house i asked who was over there he sid nobody , so i went and looked for myself n there was a girl in there, just them to , and he wouldnt let me in for nothin, so i had to go through his window . and then he left somewhere with her and left me there by myself, so when he gets back , he gets there and slaps me so hard in my face to where i get a fat lip and gave me a black eye, idk how he did it by just a slap but he did, and then i forgiv him. then he starts callin me a fat ass bitch, or tell me to shut my fat ass up there was one point he called me a fat ass elephant, but yet i still forgive him , buht now on top of still being called fat, he want a threesum all because of how i am. but i dont want to do it and hes kinda pressurin me , he says its eitther that or leave him alone forever and i dont want that. so now , if he cant talk to me and another girl ( specifically the one that was there n i had to come through the window) i have to go, i dont know what to do ... he says he loves me and i wanna believe him but i cant cause i know he dont. He Think she wanna be wit him more cause of word but she hasnt done NOTHIN for him literly nothin . i was goin to drop out of school cause he didnt want me goin but he told me to go and dont talk to no boys . i try and be a lesbain ( even though im not ) just so he can love me n want to me with me.... n he always think im lyin, but i always tell him the truth, and when i do tell him the truth, especiall on how i feel he gets mad and wanna push me down or slap me around or says he wants to go and have sex with another girl ...thers more but that would be too much ... i need help, please tell me what to do

[Heather]

In this post, Audrey, you are describing verbal, physical and emotional abuse from him, as well as some emotional abuse from you. You are also describing self-harm, and now sexual blackmail and coercion coming from him. This is serious danger and harm that will only ever get worse. Abuse always escalates - and from how bad this is already, you need to know that puts you in very serious danger -- and no one can ever do "right" by an abuser completely. Their rules or standards always change and shift pretty much expressly because you are not meant to be able to meet them.

The only ethical, sound and responsible advice anyone could give you here would be to get away and stay away from this person and this relationship, and instead figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. Only someone who could care less about you would advise anything else.

Have you told anyone else all of this and asked for help? Not help trying to figure out how to keep someone abusive with you or staying in an unhealthy, unsafe relationship, but help detaching yourself from him, getting out and staying out? Does any of your family or friends know how all of this? If not, can you perhaps, to take a first step getting help, choose one person who you know cares about you TO tell and ask for help? If not family or a friend, if you are enrolled in school, how about a teacher or other school staff you respect?

[audrey1999]

Well his brother and sister knows whats goin on because they witness it , and the only thing is im possibaly pregnant with his baby , so what should i do if i find out i AM?

[audrey1999]

Oh and i started letting him talk to girls but im still on lockdown ...

[Heather]

As was said in your other post, I feel separating those issues is important. They are both just too big to deal with at the same time in these conversations.

However, being pregnant or not -- have you yet taken that test so this is not a hanging maybe? -- really doesn't change any of this. pregnant or not pregnant, you are not safe or sound in an abusive relationship. In fact, being pregnant, were that the case, would make it even LESS safe for you: statistically, pregnant women are abused by partners or spouses more than not-pregnant women, and homicide from intimate partners is, very sadly, a leading cause of death for pregnant women.

So, again, you are not safe with this person, and this relationship is just plain old super-bad news all around just based on what you have told us here alone. getting away from and staying away from this person is paramount for your physical and emotional safety and well-being.

His family witnessing this is not going to be somewhere for you to get support. For one, if knowing this was going on was going to result in their help and support, someone would have stepped in already. But chances are that if he's abusive like this, abuse is normalized in his family, and perhaps has been since all of them were children. These are not likely to be people who will help you.

So, how about people YOU tell who CAN hep you? What's your situation with your parents or guardians? How about trusted friends, neighbors, maybe the parent of a friend or a teacher? How about reporting to the police or a domestic or dating violence organization and asking for their help? This person has been abusing you and committing crimes, so if nothing else, they can be held responsible for those and you can get help from systems who either address these crimes -- like police -- or help those in abuse -- like DV organizations or shelters.

[audrey1999]

well at my home people act like they dont care about me. and i dont have friends , well at least i barely talk to them.

[Heather]

So, if you went to one or both of your parents or guardians and told them this person was physically and emotionally abusing you, as well as trying to sexually blackmail you, can I ask what you think would happen? Would they do nothing, say they didn't care, or....?

Your friends you barely talk to: what about picking just one and changing that BY talking to them, and asking for help with this?

Or, if you do not feel safe telling any of those people, again, are you enrolled in school? If so, any teachers you like a lot? If so, how about asking for their help?

Or, again, if none of THOSE people, what about going to the police or your local hospital and asking for help? Or to a DV shelter or organization?

If you want real help with this and want something besides being abused and being in danger, you are going to have to take some steps on your own here, and that has to start with telling SOMEONE who can or may help you. There's just no way around that, even though I understand that that can feel scary, or make you feel ashamed or exposed. But in my book, you staying alive and safe trumps feeling uncomfortable for a bit with asking for help and telling the truth to someone who will help about what has been happening.

[Heather]

(I'd also add that another first step you can take is to stop talking to him yourself and enabling the control dynamics -- like either of you saying who you can or cannot talk to, at all, something that should not be happening in any healthy relationship like that, ever. In a healthy relationship, it's a given that everyone in it gets to talk to whoever they want without the other person's permission. It sounds like you're still in constant contact, so one step you can do for yourself, all by yourself, is to work on not continuing to engage with this person, or at least start to do so a lot less.)

[Heather]

One last thing!

This is an organization in your area, with a hotline, no less, you could call or go to for help, where I can assure you you will get help: http://www.hopehouse.net/

[audrey1999]

ok , thank so much for your help