behavior suggestive of abuse

[Aan2879]

I attempted to post this yesterday but it was in the wrong section and it wasn't quite what I was trying to say since I did it quickly on my phone so I wanted to try again and say it correctly this time. I requested the last one to be deleted for these reasons but I would like to hear if anyone has any answers to it.
So I am seeing a therapist for another issue regarding test taking that has been a terrible issue for me for my entire life as I blank out on exams...this is entirely unrelated to my past sexual encounters when I was much younger...but it got so bad that I had to consider taking a stage anxiety medicine before tests. Nevertheless I have attained a pretty high degree of education for my age...despite the test issues. Anyway I have the biggest test of my life at the end of this month and so I started seeing this women to help but she is going off topic which she feels is necessary to make sure there are no other reasons for my test issues which is understandable but I am almost certain that it has nothing to do with the past sex stuff. I feel that I somehow tipped her off unknowingly about the past because I am pretty intuitive so I can tell she is thinking something and although I have asked what she is thinking about she doesn't state it...so I am perhaps being paranoid a bit but either way I did some research online to see what the cues would be for her to think that about me and I found a few answers but mostly vague. If I had a friend that was in the field I could ask them what would make them think down those lines about a person and they would likely be more candid and tell me more than I was able to find online. I found a post by "Heather" who responded to a question from someone where she said that the therapist probably already has an idea based on behaviors or something like that and I wanted to know what these behaviors are.
I have had another recent run in with a gynecologist who I am almost certain thought something was up with me since she stopped in the middle of the exam and asked me in a tone of almost frustration if she was missing something and I said no and apologized for whatever made her uncomfortable but then she said why are you trembling? I had no idea I was shaking ...but I do think like I have read that this is a particular trigger for me so I avoid it ...unless I absolutely have to go which was the case. It was only the second time since the first was during an emergency appendix rupture where they had to check if it was a ruptured cyst before cutting me open so it doesn't really count since I was in a lot of pain but it was a terrible first exam in an ER on a bed pan propped up. I then didn't listen to her orders to get this transvaginal ultrasound b/c I read about what it is and there was no way I was doing that....so now I can't go back to her b/c I acted like a complete nut job...so embarrassing how I acted plus I didn't listen to her and get that ultrasound. Although I haven't made up my mind about this completely yet b/c I DID say NO there was nothing so it could just be that I was not comfortable and scared b/c a lot of people are and it was only my first/second exam if you count the ER one. The vague abdominal complaints I read is a clue. So after this appt I started to wonder if I acted in a way that would tip people off.
I realize that many people heal from talking about the past but I didn't but since I think a lot and do a lot of research I felt like I healed myself in enough ways that I would be ok with not disclosing the past. I may have to deal with it at another time in my life b/c I do realize that it DOES have an impact on me as I am a little behind my friends when it comes to sexual stuff. Right now I just want to get through this test and focus on what I need to do. I can't be distracted by this issue and I don't want this therapist to start pulling it out of me b/c I am not sure if I can handle it right now. Maybe later but not now. The test is around the corner and I may have to postpone it b/c things are starting to build up in me I guess with all the stress and the weird behavior of my therapist, the gynecologist and since I think a lot I am starting to realize that I haven't fixed it all myself yet. But just not now so I need to diffuse the situation and not act like I had bad past experiences but I need to have a better idea of what these behaviors are...would they be similar for anyone with PTSD regardless of the cause? if so that would be ok too since I definitely have PTSD from sudden death of my dad and an unexpected murder etc. ..."natural disasters"
If it is not possible to decipher PTSD behaviors across the line whether it be from sexual stuff or whether it be from other causes then that would be good to know. If there are certain things that make it more obvious that it is due to sexual issues than I would appreciate if you could give me some ideas. I obviously can't ask the therapist nor can I ask my aunt who is a gyn about this stuff b/c it would be too obvious....but since some of the staff has degrees and likely experience in the field I thought I would ask for your insight.
Thank-you for your help, for deleting the previous post and for hopefully allowing me to repost this question.

[Jacob]

Hi Aan, and welcome to Scarleteen!

Mental health, treatment, therapy, (not to mention exams) can be such a maze to feel tangled up in so I really sympathise with you. It sounds like you feel accountable to lots of people like your therapist, like your gynaecologist and other people, and if you end up thinking that way it can get even more confusing.

What I would say here is that you should get a choice over how fast or how slow your therapy goes, and where the focus is put, relative to what you're ready to talk about and what you feel would be most helpful for you right now. So when you say you 'obviously' can't ask the therapist... I would actually question that a little. I know it's a big step to begin a conversation like that, and when I've been in that situation I've actually written it down beforehand. It could be a list even "Things I don't feel ready to talk about" vs "Things I would like to work on".

It sounds to me that your therapist is just trying to get a feel for what sort of issues you might be dealing with and may not even be aware of the fears that make that very much a conversation you do not want to have.

When you said "Maybe later but not now", for me that is the sentiment which sums up where you are at the moment. It might be that your struggles with exams are linked with your past, but that does not mean you're obliged to talk about that.

I see therapy as just assisted thinking. There are things which can be very difficult to think about, and time which it is very difficult to spend with our own thoughts and a therapist or counsellor can be someone who adds some security as we tread on onto unsteady ground, but that doesn't mean we aren't making each step ourselves.

What would you say to having that conversation with your therapist about what you'd like to speak about, and what you wouldn't, and why? That seems to me the best way for you to go.

[Aan2879]

Thank-you for your response i will consider your suggestions.

[Aan2879]

On one hand I am thankful I found this site since it gave me some "normalcy" i.e. reading what other people have experienced made me realize that I am not the only one who had such experiences and to the degree that I experienced it...this site made me feel much better about that...
I would not be sure how my experiences fell on the spectrum had others not opened up about their own experiences and the people on this site telling them that it is ok and no their fault...it almost seems cliche but it really does make a difference...at least for me even though it wasn't written to me but to other people...it still helps... so in that regard I am thankful that I stumbled upon this site...it has been very helpful for me in many ways...you guys give a great deal of links for people to read more about various topics and for someone like me that sort of "already done research that I can trust" is very helpful as sources of research make all the difference in the quality of content.
B/c I have never joined nor posted on sites like this before...it is new territory for me...but after seeing that people all around the world have similar types of experiences...I felt more at ease about posting...I just read something about what actually constitutes inappropriate interactions and I have to say that I never thought of things in the way that is mentioned in some of the links.
I thought I would just post my problem and I would give it the time it deserved and be able to go back and focus on my test.
Instead I am just reading more and more posts and more and more links and getting thrown off of my game...getting pretty rattled..even if I stop reading now...I think the damage is done...I think I just can't believe it.
Not sure how to proceed...but in case you didn't already know..there is some seriously powerful stuff on this website.....

[Karyn]

I'm glad you're finding this site a helpful resource, but it can be powerful and a little overwhelming to realize that you're not the only one dealing with something, so it's not surprising that you're feeling kind of rattled right now. We're more than happy to keep talking with you and to help you as much as we can, but it sounds like right now you might need a strategy for getting through your upcoming test, is that right?

If so, one place to start could be with some self-care, just to help yourself relax a bit. There are some good suggestions here: Self-Care a La Carte and an interactive guide here: An Interactive Self-Care Guide.

[Aan2879]

Just to be clear...I AM NOT HAPPY THAT OTHER PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD HAD BAD EXPERIENCES...I just meant that for them sharing it helped me post...so I am thankful that they had the guts to share. I am sorry that anyone ever has to suffer.

[Sam W]

I'm so glad to hear that reading other people's stories on the site has been helpful to you and helped you post.

[Heather]

By the by, I'm going to be away from work from late this afternoon through Tuesday morning, but if you'd like to leave me a link to what you found I said (I don't know what's being referenced here, nor what the context was) with any questions you have for me about that, I'd certainly be happy to talk with you.

[Aan2879]

Thank-you for your responses: Jacob, Karyn, Sam, Heather. I appreciate your comments and insight very much. As well, I did look at the links that Karyn suggested last night which helped. I am unable to find the post so I can't leave the link about what I was talking about in my first message despite trying to for some time. I remember the person was talking about dissociating and someone suggesting she take a break for now...and she didn't want to tell her therapist b/c she didn't want to go there ...but can't find it. I can try to look again later. Or were you asking for a different link? I was going to just post both links...which I will do if I can find them.

[Heather]

I just can't respond to anything you're asking about I said somewhere without knowing what that was and in what context (including, with something like this, if I was talking with someone who had history here past one post, which often means we'll say things that might seem like a reach from one post, but are based on a bigger history and our interactions with someone over time).

[Aan2879]

I understand...
consider this scenario: say I was a student trainee in psych/counseling etc... and the student was going over a patient with you that had PTSD from natural disasters in the past. What sorts of clues would suggest that the patient had PTSD from past sex abuse rather than PTSD d/t non sex abuse issues. PTSD with past sexual abuse- PTSD= ? Are there particular clues that would allow a trained person to differentiate between the two? or are the behaviors of someone with PTSD similar regardless if it has anything to do with sexual issues?
Sort of a strange question I realize ....

[Aan2879]

Understood...Thank-you!

[Aan2879]

No need to respond to the scenario thing...I realize that it is a strange question that likely doesn't have an answer so just forget about it...and then I wanted to say understood thank-you....

[Jacob]

That's ok Aan! Glad what we said was helpful.

[Heather]

Just FYI, what I think might be missing here (if I'm getting your concerns right) is the assurance that even IF a therapist got the sense or idea someone was a victim of any kind of abuse or assault, that doesn't mean that person would have to discuss that. So, should it happen that someone providing you counseling of any kind asks about that, you always have the right to say that simply isn't something you want to talk about with them (if you don't).

So, even in the event that a therapist does think that some of what you're grappling with may be about any past abuse, a) that actually wouldn't likely be something they'd bring to you, and instead, would keep to themselves and wait until you brought up, and b) even if they did, you always have the right -- one that's respected by good therapists -- to decline to talk about anything you aren't ready to yet, or simply do not want to.