condoms = casual?

[Sunshine]

So the other day, a family member (not one of my parents!) found my condoms. I can't say they were very well hidden, but then, I don't think there's anything shameful about them and if you use my bathroom, well, there they are.

So this relative reacted in a way that surprised me: She thought that because I owned condoms, I clearly did not trust my partner or was cheating on him. Apparently, condoms imply casual sex and/or promiscuity and if you're in a long-term exclusive relationship, you're not "supposed" to use barriers, but other methods.

This was complete news to me. I had never looked at condoms that way, for me, they are just a fairly cheap, easy to get and easy to use method of birth control. I didn't do well on the pill and don't want to try out another hormonal method. My partner doesn't mind using condoms either.

Is it just this one person I know, or is there really something unusual / strange / distrustful about monogamous couples using condoms? We won't change our contraceptive method either way, I am just curious - and wondering whether I should take better care not to leave the things where people could see them.

(Just to clarify: I don't see anything wrong with casual sex. It's just not for me right now and I don't want any kind of rumors floating around among my extended family)

[Sam W]

Hi sunshine,

I have definitely run across the idea (both from users here and just people that I know) that condoms are a sign of distrust/not serious commitment and that not using condoms is a sign of trust or a sign of the deepness or importance of the relationship. My hunch is that it stems from some of the warped info around sex that frames sex as unsafe unless in the confines of a marriage/committed partnership, so people assume that commitment=safety. Plus, I think there's a general lack of info about how STIs get transmitted/ show symptoms. I'm with you that this idea strikes me as odd (and just not realistic)

I will own up to keeping condoms and similar away from where my family might find them when I lived with them. Not out of shame, more out of a feeling that I could never quite be sure that they wouldn't make some offhanded/prying comment about it.

[Heather]

My sense is this is also some historical holdover. For such a long time, particularly before women were thought to have the right, and the desire, to not be pregnant all the time, people figured that the only people using any form of contraception were only doing so if and when they were not married or in relationships where that wasn't the intent.

[Ashleah]

I've heard this sentiment before. But I've heard just as many people say that you use condoms for a person that you are committed too, while sex without a condom is for more casual encounters. In this case, the condom is viewed as a way to "protect" the person you care about.

[Sunshine]

Interesting...

Thanks for all your insights. I just wasn't aware before this relative made a (small) fuss that condoms have any kind of symbolic meaning for certain people.

I just like the things. Birth control with zero side effects that helps prevent STIs as well, is inexpensive and available nearly everywhere - what more could I want? Besides, they can be used as a communication tool in bed: He offers me the condom = "do you want to have intercourse right now?". I take it and open the package = "yes." Simple, unambiguous, clear. (Not that we never talk, mind you, but this is an additional gesture that really works).

I'm wondering whether the family member just got upset because we're preventing pregnancy. There's a lot of pressure on me right now from different people to produce a child, people who I really don't want to discuss my reasons with. It's not that I never ever want a family, but it's a long-term goal and I need to become more stable emotionally and get a few other things sorted out before I can take on that responsibility.

I just can't imagine they really think I have another lover or that I mistrust my partner. I mean, seriously? Because we use f-cking condoms?

It blows my mind.

Thinking this over, it occurs to me that there's an awful lot of outside interest in my relationship and my body right now. Maybe I need to tell everyone to back off. Not an easy thing to do when you love them and have a hard time saying no, but I'll try. Maybe my partner can help me. Funny that nobody is saying these things to him, by the way.

[Heather]

Right there with you. World of ugh to anyone who doesn't get it, and double-ugh to anyone being such an idiot about it all.

By all means, just because someone found a thing related to your sex life doesn't entitle them to any conversation about it, and when someone is...well, putting it bluntly, being an arse about anything so private and sensitive like this, I think the best response is to let them know that you don't want to talk with them about it, nor hear their unsolicited opinions.

It might help to bear in mind that when you do love someone, it probably better protects your relationship to keep them out of anything sensitive they have made clear they can't handle with sensitivity.

Per anyone only bringing this stuff to you, if they're your family, not his, that's not surprising. Also: sexism. But you knew that already.