Some concerns that I have

[sqlpecan]

Hi. Thank you for reading this. I tend to talk too much but I'll do my best to stick to the subject.

I'm fat so I've never been in a relationship and it's a bit embarrassing to talk about this but sometimes, you know, I physically need to please myself. But the things I fantasize about ... during that time ... make me kind of worried. So here's the thing: I can easily get off if I think about someone being a bit rough with me or talking to me bad; it only takes me a couple minutes so sometimes I do that if I'm in a hurry or too excited. But afterwards I kind of feel like crap emotionally so I tend to avoid doing this. I can bring myself to orgasm if I fantasize about something more normal; it just takes longer, like 20 minutes. I'm a bit worried about this.

Although I have no experience whatsoever, I'm absolutely sure I wouldn't like it in real life. I've watched a couple porn videos with BDSM out of curiosity and it freaked me out so I know I wouldn't be comfortable with that sort of thing. I'm not saying it's bad. It's just not my thing.
So then, why do I find it easier to have an orgasm when I fantasize about this? I feel confused. And weird.

Thanks again and sorry if it's TMI !

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards!

So, the thing about fantasy is that most of the time, it's not about real life, or, at least, it never has to be unless you wanted it to be. Harry Potter is a work of fantasy, for example. You can perhaps easily see how a lot of what's in Harry Potter not only couldn't even be possible in reality, but enjoyable as it may be to read, most people probably wouldn't want a good deal of it in real life, because how things play out in real life often differ from how they play out in our heads.

For instance, sure, magic powers might be cool, but they would also be pretty rough to deal with. And the epic struggle between Harry and Voldemort is very exciting and fun to read, but we sure as heck aren't wishing for Voldemorts in real life! (Mind, we have them, they just tend not to have magic powers and also tend to be in our political systems of government.)

We can't ever tell anyone why something turns them on, especially since a) more times than not there isn't a why, and b) even when there is, to get to that would involve taking a history of your whole life (and probably missing some things you don't even remember), then pretty subjectively analyzing all of that to try and find patterns.

So, this is your thing with masturbation or general sexual fantasy. You don't want it to be your thing in real life. No problem: it doesn't have to be!

Why do you think you're feeling crummy about this?

[sqlpecan]

Thank you for replying!
I don't know. I guess I feel like there's something wrong with me - fantasizing about something, but wanting something else in real life. It makes me feel confused.
I'm not even sure about my sexuality. I always thought I'm straight, then I found out about asexuality and it sounded a bit like me, then I wasn't so sure about that either... Honestly, I just feel confused about everything and I don't like uncertainty.
I know I don't have to figure it out now, but then I'm thinking "I'm 24, I should have known by now". But I've never been in a relationship so I guess I can't really know for sure just thinking about things hipothetically...
Sorry, all this rambling probably doesn't even make sense.
Basically, I just wanted to know if it's normal.

[Heather]

Again, sounds like it'd help to remember that that's usually exactly what fantasy is: separate from reality.

Sexuality really, truly is a lifelong process, and that process, and what we glean from it, and when is unique for everyone. It also generally is full of questions and some uncertainty as a rule. Any sense of what you might be able to do for yourself to feel more comfortable with that?

[sqlpecan]

I didn't know if I should open a new thread just for this but I need some advice..
I'm in my first relationship and I feel that things are not exactly okay. I don't know how to explain this... He has a fixation on virginity. I understand is a problematic concept and although I never slept with someone before him I never liked to call myself a virgin. He keeps complaining that I wasn't a virgin because I didn't bleed. I tried explaining him and gave him one of your articles from here but he says he doesn't buy it. It makes me feel weird. Also, when we have sex he doesn't want to do anything besides intercourse and sometimes it gets really uncomfortable. When I suggested that we should buy lube he felt insulted. He doesn't want to touch me down there cause it's gross. And I really need him to be tender and affectionate but he says it's boring. I don't want him to do anything that he doesn't feel comfortable doing and I feel like crap when I tell him what I want.. I know what you're thinking... If a friend of mine told me these things I would tell her to run as far as possible from him. But when it comes to following my own advice, well... Did I mention I'm fat? He's the first man that ever considered me for a relationship. But his first compliment was about my boobs. But since he has seen me naked he doesn't like that I have stretch marks on them. I know, this all sounds crappy. All I ever wanted was for someone to accept me but I guess there's too much of me to be accepted. I don't want special treatment, I don't want him treating me better than I deserve. Anyway, I'm rambling and I don't even know what my question is. Should I end this relationship, risking to be alone for the rest of my life? Is it naive of me for wanting some respect? I feel so heart-broken by this situation!

[Sunshine]

Hey there.

I am on my phone and in a hurry, but I just want you to know right now that somebody read this.

To be perfectly honest with you, your post broke my heart a little bit. I think I have a lot to say to you, but that will have wait until later.

For now: you deserve so much better than what you describe. How can I say that when I don't know you? Because everybody does. Everybody, no exceptions. It doesn't matter whether you are fat or thin, tall or short, old or young. You deserve to be treated with respect and affection.

I know it's really hard to stand up for ourselves and to really believe in our own worth and our right to be treated well. If you want, we can talk about all that as soon as I am home and on my computer (probably tomorrow, to be realistic). Until then, take care and look out for yourself. I can easily imagine you aren't feeling too great right now.

Sending lots of good wishes your way...

[sqlpecan]

Hi! Your message really felt like a sunshine over my day! Thank you!

I know I have a lot of insecurities and I often find it hard to stand up for myself but I never imagined that I could let a relationship bring me down emotionally like this. I wasn't expecting him to fulfill my life or "complete" me and I was already trying to make peace with the fact that no man would ever want to be with me; and then we met and he was kind off nice in the beginning and I confess it felt good to have this sort of attention. But now it doesn't feel so right...

I feel like there is a fine line between him being a jerk and me being pretentious and I don't know which way it is. Maybe he's not an affectionate person in general or maybe he doesn't feel comfortable with anything besides intercourse, maybe he thinks me needing lube means I'm not attracted of him or... I don't know. I don't want to ask him to change or to do something that he doesn't feel comfortable doing. Maybe I'm being too needy. Maybe I'm too picky and I should just be grateful that he wants to be with me. I know I have no chance of being with someone better and even that little affection feels nice.

[Mo]

Hi sqlpecan,

Wanting this person you're in a relationship with to be nice to you isn't being too picky. I want to highlight that because it is super important!

Whether or not you wanting things like lube during intercourse or a gentle partner makes you pretentious (spoiler alert: it doesn't!), those are your needs and desires and you deserve to have a partner who respects them. I do, in all honesty, think your partner's behavior sounds like that of an insensitive jerk who a) doesn't understand a lot about how bodies work and b) doesn't seem to care about your comfort or feelings. It sounds like he is not really taking your desires or feelings into account at all during sex, and is ignoring facts about bodies and the concept of virginity as you present them. If you want to salvage things with him, I think it's time for a really serious talk in which you ask him to actually respect you in a way he is pretty clearly not doing right now, but in all honesty this sounds like someone who just isn't ready to have a sexual relationship with anyone right now. Maybe he just isn't affectionate, like you suggest - but if you want affection in your relationship, it's ok to end a relationship with someone who doesn't want to provide those things. But honestly, it sounds like this guy is just being a jerk vs. "a perfectly nice person who just isn't very affectionate."

If someone doesn't want to take a partner's feelings or desires into account, then partnered sex just isn't a good idea, and it sounds like he's in that category. He is criticizing your body, refusing to take steps to help you enjoy sex, and not believing you when you explain how your body works...this just doesn't sound like a positive person to be around at all.

I want to ask about you saying "I don't want him treating me better than I deserve." Like Sunshine said above, you absolutely deserve to be treated kindly and with respect in your relationship. Are you getting direct messages from him that you don't deserve better? Is this something you feel about yourself in general?

I also want to specifically note that there are, absolutely, people who are happy to have a fat partner, or who prefer a fat partner - there's a lot of stigma against fat bodies and I don't want to downplay that, but being fat doesn't mean you have to accept someone being a jerk to you because that's the best you can do. If you've never explored fat-positive/body-positive spaces online I would really recommend you check them out for some support and a different perspective. I can give you some resources if that's something you'd be interested in.

[Sunshine]

Mo said a lot of what I was thinking already, so I think I can keep this (for me) short.

What I'm hearing from you is that on the one hand, you actually know this relationship isn't going too well and this guy isn't such a great person to have sex with, but you're reluctant to break up because you fear this is the last and only chance you might have. I'm also getting a lot of self-worth issues.

I'd like to encourage you to work on building up more self-esteem. The body-positive spaces that Mo suggested could be a good place to start - I know they helped me a lot and I wish they'd been around when I was younger.

Do you want to talk some more about that? It's something I have struggled with all my life. This is your thread, though, so I don't want to clutter it with my experiences and issues unless you think they might be helpful for you.

[sqlpecan]

Thank you both for messages!
Any advice or resource that you think could help, is deeply appreciated!

[Sam W]

Hi sqlpecan,

Hopefully folks can chime in with other resources, but some to check out just from us might be:
Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodie ... a_fat_teen

[Mo]

Here's some links off the top of my head, I am going to report back with more as I think of them but this is a good place to start:
http://archedeyebrow.com/2015/01/05/new-year-new-you/
http://ok2befat.com/
http://bigfatscience.tumblr.com/
Various articles written by fat activist Marianne Kirby (I also can not recommend Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere: Quit Dieting and Declare a Truce with Your Body, the book she wrote with Kate Harding, highly enough; if you investigate nothing else in this list, please find a copy at your local library!)
This Captain Awkward post has some other good links in it, plus some good discussion of body-hate talk and how harmful it is.

Also I am a big believer in the power of seeing pictures of folks of all sizes being glamourous and happy; there's a ton of awesome fat fashion/beauty content on tumblr if that's your thing. http://afatfox.tumblr.com/ is a great place to start as the woman who runs it is really sweet and has a lot of great, positive things to say for people who are still finding their way to self-acceptance. And http://fyeahvbo.tumblr.com/ has a bunch of submitted photos!

[Areudone123]

I was 19 when I first started experimenting with touching myself and watching porn...ect. I was a virgin at that point and didn't really know what I liked or disliked. So it was weird for me (like you) when I stumbled upon a video of rough sex and dirty talk and actually liked it. I found myself searching for these videos and preferring to achieve an orgasm while watching them rather than watching something else. I had been in relationships at this point but had never had an sexual experience with any of them because I just didn't feel ready. When I was 21 (26 now) I met my current boyfriend whome I love and I lost my virginity to him. Of course it took quite some time for me to be completely comfortable and start to experiment with what I liked and didn't like but guess what? Turns out... I like a bit of rough play in the bedroom! Nothing too crazy but I like the guy to be in control! Now, mind you it takes a long time to become comfortable with someone and actually figure out what you like and then communicate it for them. Anyway! I was in your shoes and I remember feeling the same way, wondering why do I like this stuff? It's just based on your preference really and what you fantasize about may carry over in real life in the bedroom, or it may not! For me it did. But I've learned to embrace it and have fun with it! I'm a border line control freak In real life so I think that's why I like it when someone else is in control in the bedroom. Regardless, It's normal to feel scared and confused about the things that turn you on when you are trying to figure yourself out. But trust me it's completely normal. If it wasn't, there wouldn't be so many videos made about it! Lol.

[Sam W]

Hi Areudone,

Thanks so much for chiming in on the topic of the original post. Something to know for the future is that, when a thread has moved on from the initial topic, it's best to address what the topic is now, to help keep the flow of it going. But, glad you're feeling comfortable joining discussion on the boards

[sqlpecan]

Hi,
I wanted to log in and thank you for your amazing links and resources!
Then I noticed than Areudone replied here. It's alright, I don't mind that she talked about the original topic. Actually, I appreciate it! 'Cause I can't say that I'm 100% comfortable with myself and any advice is welcome. So thank you all again!

I didn't mean to mess things around here. I honestly didn't know if I should have opened a new thread or not. I kind of have a lot of concerns so I didn't want to take too much space.

Regarding my previous messages, I just wanted to say that we broke up. And I feel better this way! He started being insulting and calling me names and there is absolutely no reason for both of us to stay in a relationship that brings us no joy.

Also, what should I do in the future when I have some questions? Should I post here or not?

[Snorkmaiden]

sqlpecan, I haven't responded to you before but I've been reading your story. I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better now! It sounded like he was not doing you any good. You are right: not being in a relationship is a whole lot better than being in one with someone who is bringing you down.
I hope you are proud of yourself, because you deserve to be.

You are welcome to take up space here, that's fine. You have as much right to be here and talk about your issues as anyone else. Please do post here when you have questions.

[Redskies]

sqlpecan, you certainly didn't mess anything up! I'm really glad that Areudone's post is helpful to you. We (I know Sam posted, but me too) were just confused at first and it took us longer than it should've to figure out that it was in response to your original post, so we intended to clarify things - sorry if we put a big welly boot in where none was needed! It's entirely up to you whether you want to continue on a thread or create a new one; if it's a very different topic, it can make sense to start a new thread, but it's really no big deal either way. We're here to give you whatever space you want and need, so please do take the space you want.

I'm glad you feel better after breaking up. No-one should be insulting you or calling you names; you deserve very much better than that. You're absolutely right that there's no reason to stay in a relationship with no joy: that's a big piece of relationship wisdom you have there.

[Mo]

Hi sqlpecan,

I'm glad to hear some of those links were helpful! And while it's terrible that this guy you were dating was being a jerk to you and insulting you, I am glad you're no longer in that situation.

[Sunshine]

Good for you for breaking up and being so positive about your decision! I am really glad to hear you got out of a relationship that was not good for you.

I feel pretty strongly about some of the things you mentioned earlier, like how being fat affects your self-worth, and I would be happy to discuss that with you, but before I launch into a long lecture / rant / ramble on the subject, I'd rather ask if you're interested.

[sqlpecan]

I'm sorry I haven't logged in lately. Thank you all for your messages!
Sunshine, I would be very interested in that

[Sunshine]

Okay, here goes then. My thoughts on being fat. This has been an issue for me all my life, so I have done a lot of thinking (and suffering...) in this area. It's all my highly personal opinion.

The way I see it, there are two major concerns around being fat. One is beauty, and the other is health.

1.) Beauty

I was told all my life, directly and indirectly, that fat and beauty were mutually exclusive. Everybody seemed to agree on that, the media, my family, peers... It took a long time before I realized that I didn't actually agree, at least not categorically. I think I began questioning the current beauty ideal when I started looking at lot at art (it was one of my favorite subjects in school and I had a fabulous teacher in high school). I remember standing before a venus figure one day and going wait a sec - I'm not ugly. I was born too late! Somebody take me back to her time and I'd have been a fucking model.

Beauty is about the least objective concept on earth. Ideas of what is pretty and what isn't change over time, they're dependent on cultural factors and everyone has different taste on top of that. If someone says you're ugly all that really means is they think you're ugly and if they're someone who is telling you this to your face, you probably shouldn't care much what they thought about you or anything else.

I don't think beauty is unimportant. I love beautiful things and I get sad and depressed in ugly surroundings. Beauty is a wonderful thing. But it's also a thing our brains make up that is only loosely based on what meets our eyes, so why not train ourselves to find beauty wherever we possibly can? It's complete nonsense and a waste of our senses to say "fat people can't be beautiful". They sure can. And if you need help seeing that, go look at some art. Or go look at some fat people whom you really like, because in my experience, people we love always look good to us.

The images we see on television and in magazines, especially fashion magazines, are so limited. I'm not saying I don't find them attractive - some are pretty to me and some aren't. Most of them I just find a bit... meh. Boring. They all look the same after a while.

People of all ages and sizes can be pretty. When I was really little, one of the most beautiful people in my eyes was my 80-year-old grandmother. It's just a matter of perspective.

Of course it can be really hard to find ourselves beautiful. For some perverse reason, I can't look at myself the way I can at other people or things. It seems there's this idea stuck into my mind of how I should be and I'll never match up to that. When it comes to myself, I try to just accept that I'm not adding very much to the beauty in my life. I don't have to look at myself that often, anyway. And I'm starting to believe people who give me compliments, which does happen for some strange reason.

2.) Health

I don't think there's any big doubt that being very overweight is a health risk. But the question is, what exactly is "very overweight"? That's not so easy to determine. As far as I know (and I've done a lot of reading on this subject), whether your body is endangering your health or not depends on a multitude of factors, for example what kind of fat you mostly have and where that fat is located on your body.

Also, I think it's important to keep in mind that losing weight is not in fact as easy as it's often made to seem, and that the methods people use to become thin can be just as unhealthy as the state of fatness. Diets are stressful, sometimes unhealthy and often ultimately unsuccessful. In fact, if you are fat and have been fat most of your life, your chances of becoming permanently not-fat aren't very good. And we need to ask ourselves whether we shouldn't maybe use the energy we're putting into ineffective diets and obsessive weight-monitoring for something positive that will indeed make us healthier. And happier.

I just hate it when people justify fat-shaming by saying "I'm only concerned for their health" or claim that body-positive images of fat people "promote an unhealthy lifestyle". You know what's an unhealthy lifestyle? Becoming obsessed with calories. Hating your reflection in the mirror. Only eating by yourself to avoid nasty comments. Becoming depressed because you feel stuck in a huge ugly body that everybody despises you for. Going to the bathroom after every big dinner and vomiting up the contents of your stomach. Never going out of your home unless you absolutely have to.

I do a lot for my health. I exercise. Started out with swimming, because that seemed like the alternative that would be kindest to my joints and went on to dancing and running. I eat good food, whole grains and veggies and fruit and nuts and olive-oily things (I eat chocolate too, though, and sometimes chips or fries if I feel like I really want them). I eat when I'm hungry and I eat as much as I need to not feel hungry any more and after years and years of struggle, I finally couldn't tell you how many stupid calories I've had today. And I try to take care of my mental health as best I can. That's so important - I can't believe how little attention is paid to the mind and soul when people talk about health.


Sorry, long rant. But like I said, I feel strongly about all this and it's taken up a lot of my life so far. I guess what I'd like to say to you is you are worth every effort you can make to be at peace with yourself and be healthy and pretty. And happy. And being healthy and pretty are realistic goals and they don't require you to lose a certain number of pounds or get down to a certain BMI. Also, your odds of finding a decent romantic partner are not as dependent on your weight as you may think. Some men like fat women, some actually prefer fat women. And some really don't care whether a woman is fat or thin because they're more interested in other factors, like what kind of person you are (and if you can, I recommend choosing someone who falls in the last category).

Take good care of yourself and congrats again for getting out of the relationship you were in!

[sqlpecan]

I can relate to a lot of the things that you have shared. Thank you!