Betrayed

[Heather]

What if you made yourself a couple playlists for walking, or for if and when you see them? Maybe they have songs that let you feel sad, maybe tunes that let you revel in anger (Hello, Riot Grrls, bigbywolf calling!), maybe songs that cheer you up?

[bigbywolf]

That's such a good idea! Have you heard of the 'Stuff Mom Never Told You" podcast? If I need to feel empowered in my lady-ness that's what I listen to. Self care playlist is commencing. Thank you.

[bigbywolf]

So the day after I saw them while i drove past in a bus, I was on the same ferry as them to the university.

It was weird and i felt so trapped having to sit for half an hour in close vicinity to two people who my heart absolutely hates. It was weird because Jess didn't look "stunningly beautiful" and for some reason i feel like that would've almost made me feel better. My ex was wearing expensive clothes (it was the day after his birthday) and he looked good but so unlike the boy i went out with. I don't think if we met now as strangers that he would give me a second look.
On the way off the ferry he turned around and saw me, and I have never seen someone look at me with so much hatred. It felt terrible. I've literally done nothing to him and jess except go RIDICULOUSLY OUT OF MY WAY to avoid them. I don't know why he looked so angry to see me? It hurt a lot. The rest of the week my stomach was so tight from the encounter that i literally (and i apologize for the tmi) became constipated. It's been Hell.

Yesterday, my ex and I's mutual best friend was in a bad situation. His grandad is dying. My ex phoned my MOM to ask if I could go check on the friend. Of course I went, for my best friends sake. But even that encounter, the idea that he spoke to my mom, makes me violently shake to think about. I keep imagining why he couldn't go check on the best friend himself and it ricochets between he was busy having sex with Jess all day or working hard to finish an assignment - since university work is always the most important thing to him. I downloaded an app to help with panic attacks (since i get full blown ones when i see my ex or Jess) and the app is ironically Jess's real name, which makes me feel sick to even open it. This is getting ridiculous and I'm so tired of it. How I feel is directly correlated to the last time I had to be reminded of my Ex or Jess's existence. I hate that im getting panic attacks again.

[Redskies]

I'm sorry you've been feeling so rough with this.

I'd really suggest trying not to read very much into his expression in that moment. It's honestly pretty common for people to report feeling very weird, or feeling like they behaved really bizarrely and not at all in a way that mirrors either what they really feel or what they think would have been suitable, when bumping into an ex. It's perfectly possible something like that happened to him, so his expression in that moment doesn't really tell you anything. It could easily mean nothing at all.

If you've had difficulties with anxiety before, what it sounds like is happening here is the pain of the breakup and anxiety are combining together to cause you more trouble than they would simply added together, like they're piggy-backing on each other. It's sounding like you could really use some support for the anxiety part of it; do you have anyone you see for professional help for that at the moment?

[bigbywolf]

You're right about the expression. I'm trying to not give any aspect of him any thought, expression should be included. Why would it matter what he felt about me anyway since he is never going to be a part of my life again!

Uh, I did have help. Uni gave a fully subsidized 6 sessions with an incredibly nice counselor. She was incredible and helped me with intense depression and anxiety at the beginning of the year. After the "jess" situation, I only had one more subsidized session to go talk with her.

There is a woman on the island i have seen twice - but this isn't subsidized. Because of this, she's only really an option for if I'm at the "potentially could cause harm to self" stage which I'm currently not. I'm not having a good time, and my anxiety is starting to get bigger than me again, but i'm not near a headspace where I would ever consider hurting myself.

That being said, myself and my mother are trying to help me as best we can. Books on positive psychology, and the app that i previously mentioned which may help the next time I have a panic attack.

[Sam W]

Hi bigbywolf,

I have a couple of thoughts (also, if these are things you've tried, feel free to ignore). If you're still at Uni, even if the sessions are not subsidized, are they more affordable than the on island care? And, with the on island, person, do you know if there is an option to do sliding scale payment?

Also, long distance high five for exploring ways to care for yourself when you can't see someone

[bigbywolf]

Sadly the uni services stop at the sixth visit. They can recommend your next course of action, but that's about it.

I am lucky enough to have my counselling with the woman on the island at a reduced cost - but it's still more than I can really afford right now... Even my counsellor has expressed how frustrated she is at the price thing - she offers free services at another place in the island for island youth - im 18, about to turn 19, so i just miss that offer.

How I feel is directly proportionate to when last i saw my ex, so i guess it's just going to be more of skulking around until my feelings are a bit more grounded.

Thanks for the high-five!

[bigbywolf]

(tw for mention of loooooong ago self harm)
uh this is weird but i just wanted to say it somewhere but there's something about my ex and i first going out that keeps coming back up lately
when i first started going out with him i was self-harming and he was so shocked to find that out. He told me that if I self harmed, he would to, as an incentive to get me to stop. I was pretty sick and I self harmed and i apologized and begged him not to hurt himself and he said he wouldn't. the next day we hung out he showed me that he had cut his thighs. I can't stop thinking about this because i don't know what that WAS. was that blackmail? was it being caring? it feels so alien to think about it now. He was not self-harming other than to get me to stop - but i still think if he had the capacity to hurt himself it was still that he always had the potential to do it? I don't know what I'm meant to feel from this memory.

[Sam W]

Ooof, that is frustrating (at least your on island therapist sounds solidly on team you).

As for the incident you described it...well, it throws up a lot of red flags for me. Especially the showing you the cuts part (also, the making the scary thing you were struggling with about him, instead of you, the person experiencing it is generally a red flag). If we give him a major, major, major benefit of the doubt, maybe he did it out of a genuine desire to help you stop. But I don't think that's the case, and even if it was, it doesn't make those not red flag behaviors.

I can't say why your brain has brought this memory up, since that's for you to puzzle out. Although, maybe it's your brain sorting through the memories of your time with him and starting to remove the rose tint from them and see the bad parts (as that can happen once a break up stops being raw and new)

[bigbywolf]

it's been a little while - but there's some more i need to unload.

It's heading into summer where i am. One of my closest friends, let's call her Mia, has been talking to me lately. Mia was talking about how she's moving to a new house where our friend group can do all sorts of fun things. (i shouldnt have said this) I told her that so long as she didn't invite my ex, I would come. She didn't take this well. It's a selfish ask from me. Mia and my ex have been friends for years. Mia has also always had a weird crush on my ex that will never go anywhere. She's also, like me, mentally ill. I know that I've basically shot myself in the foot. In my head, Summer is going to be my whole friend group hanging out and me excluding myself because I can't be in the same space as my ex. I'm terrified. My friends constantly talk about New Years plans and general summer plans and I feel so out of place. It would be better for everyone if I left. So i didn't feel excluded, so they don't need to feel guilt for excluding me. I'm frustrated at this ultimatum because I am the friend that's there for Mia when she's upset. I'm the friend that's talked her out of killing herself, but I know she'll always invite my ex over me because she can't stop herself from harboring the want to be around him. It's the same for most of our friend group. My ex has always been more selfish than me (Not that I see this as a negative trait, it's good to value yourself. I just know that my friends come to me when they're hurting because I'm compassionate/often make sacrifices to be there for them). I know that on one hand it's ME stopping myself from being able to just hang out with everyone - but I can't pretend that seeing my ex doesn't hurt as much as it does. If i see him on the boat, I still have a panic attack and start shaking and crying. I am leaving the island next year - but I need to survive the summer first, and I don't know how I will.

[Ashleah]

Hi Bigbywolf,

I'm sorry to see that you are still feeling bad about the break up and your ex but it is completely normal to need time.

With your friends, it can be tricky to navigate after a break up if you had mutual friends but it is possible. Just because they continue to have a relationship with your ex doesn't mean that they can't remain your friends too. How about trying to focus on your relationship with your friends instead of thinking about the relationship they have with your ex. So instead of focusing on what Mia will do and what decisions she will make about your ex, just continue to build a relationship with each other. it sounds like you all have been through a lot and that you already have a relationship that exist outside of your ex.

If you don't want to be around your ex right now, or ever, that is your choice! Instead of excluding yourself why don't you spend time with your friends individually or in smaller groups. You can also be the person to coordinate spending time together, in which case, you can invite whoever you like!

I also want to check in about your self care plan. How has that been going for you and have you started doing anything new or differently?

[Heather]

It is really sounding to me like if there is any way for you to seek out some counseling, that would be the right next step for you. When someone voices that they just don't know how they are going to get through something, despite their best efforts and some support, that is usually a strong cue it's time to seek out some qualified help. There's just no need to keep struggling so much like this if you do have any way at all to access some solid, in-person support.

[bigbywolf]

self care plan is as follows:
I have an EMDR clip available on youtube that i listen to at night before I go to sleep that normally helps with reoccurring nightmares - it clears your mind before going to sleep. When I have seen my ex on the boat, I lately have at least one friend with me. I've recently made a new friend who is on the boat at the same time as I am most days of the week. I also brought a pair of sunglasses. I wear these when I'm getting on/off the boat or when I'm approaching the ferry terminal so that if I see my ex, he cannot read my expression. I've also still got the anxiety app downloaded, but I don't know how useful it will actually be. I'm not sure what my self-care plan will be when I come across my ex by myself on the boat again or worse, if I arrive on the boat later than my ex and he sits with the friends I would have sat with - so he is surrounded and I'm alone and not able to be with my friends.

I think I should be able to afford to see my counselor in the next two weeks. I feel like that's probably the necessary step for if confronting any concept of the immediate future is just depressing and looks like its "too much" for how im currently emotionally/mentally struggling.

[Sam W]

Hi bigbywolf,

Sounds like a good self care plan As for one to do on the boat, maybe have a fun, distracting app or a book/magazine that you enjoy as a means of distracting yourself from him?

[bigbywolf]

Will do. Im still scared about how I will feel if my friends are on the boat with him and I'm pointedly alone. Is there anything I could do to help this anxiety?

[Heather]

I have a few thoughts about some of this I just want to share. You can obviously do whatever it is you like with them (or not).

I wonder if you might feel able, when that situation where he gets there first, and thus "takes" all the friends, occurs, to just go ahead and also sit with your friends. It just occurs to me that both of you -- not just you, both of you, and perhaps Jess, in addition -- need to work out how to deal with each other. Where you live, it just seems like that's unavoidable, so any of you trying to avoid it instead of just dealing with it and working it out just seems likely to keep you stuck and make it so that this never really changes.

I know that that might ask you to be pretty uncomfortable the first couple of times, and maybe you don't feel able to do that yet. But if you do -- and I hope you can get there, as again, I think you might be stuck with this and maybe holding yourself back from just moving forward -- I'd say you just still sit with your friends anyway. Sure, maybe you both feel strained and uncomfortable at first, but in time, that could fade (and is more likely to if y'all just deal), and if he doesn't like it or want to deal with it with some maturity, then HE can just go sit somewhere else. If your boats are like ours where I live, there's usually other places a person can move to, even mid-ride, rather than it being standing room only.

I do think the only way to deal with this anxiety is the same way to deal with, and manage, any anxiety, which is that the only way out tends to be through.

In other words, managing anxiety is usually mostly about putting yourself in it, rather than trying to avoid it, and then just going through the discomfort it creates until you come out on the other side. Anxiety doesn't actually hurt anyone, and it's always something people will survive. I get that this feels super overwhelming, but I think it's important to try and remember that how it feels isn't actually how it is: this is something you can learn to manage, and it isn't something that will kill you or destroy you. So, it's not something to try and avoid or make go away so much as something to learn to just accept, get used to and learn to manage. But that is really something to talk to a qualified mental healthcare provider about, not something we can really help you with here.

Same goes with your feelings. I hear you saying you feel scared of your feelings, but what makes them scary? After all, you can feel sad or lonely and get through that: we'll all feel that way sometimes, if not often, and those feelings are manageable. Your feelings are also part of you: they're not something to feel afraid of.

What I think we're best able to help you with is: a) emotional support and b) doing what we can to help boost your confidence when it comes to your ability TO deal with and manage this, rather than to feel so shut down by it or so afraid of it. Make sense?

[bigbywolf]

Sitting with my ex/with jess if my friends are there: That's currently a terrifying thought - but I know it's going to be the thing that both helps me recover and get over this faster / realize that i am finally over this. Trying to imagine this is so scary. But im trying to turn this from "i will never be able to be near him" to "i cannot go near him YET". Im trying to not hate him - but hating him is a barrier. It makes it a lot easier to not miss him. Sometimes i look back on the relationship and know i wasnt happy but lately ive been missing my ex a lot. I worry that he could always find someone better than me - but maybe he was the best person I was ever going to find, and not monitoring my mental health and being mean to him all the time has made me lose the right person. He's my first relationship so I get how unlikely that was. I also THINK i will be able to look at this in future and wish that i could reassure past me that things were going to be ok. I'm so tired of having all these strong feelings for my ex - love, hate, missing, fearing - when it's definitely not reciprocated since he's been able to move on. I need myself to move on. I need to remind myself that he was not the best person for me but it's difficult since there's no one else i have felt attraction to for a long long time. I cant help but think maybe if i were kinder to my ex, he'd never have stopped being happy in the relationship, and never would have pursued Jess. Not that there's any way to know the reality of that. I guess I'm scared of my feelings because hating someone is a lot easier to deal with than the shame and embarrassment of getting replaced quickly by someone I love and then still having feelings for them. This site has helped me so much, I really, really appreciate it. I wish the future wasn't so ambiguous and I wish I had more self-reassurance that I can find someone "more right" for me than he was.

[Heather]

I am so sorry you're suffering so much, bibgywolf.

Going to throw a couple more things at you from the department of Can't Hurt, Might Help:

I don't think it's sound to base our ideas of how an ex feels about our split with them, or how "over it" they are based on them dating someone else or not. People can be doing great and have moved on without seeing anyone else, and people can be a hot mess and be in a new relationship.

Too -- and hopefully you know this, but often, the way you're talking, it sounds like either you don't, or you're just not feeling it -- having a partner does not prove anyone's worth or value. In other words, this person and you not being together doesn't tell us jack about your value as a person, and you finding someone new -- or not -- doesn't either. We have all the worth we have with or without a romantic or sexual relationship: those relationships neither reduce nor increase our value.

We've talked before about how it's going to be very hard to move on and heal if you keep so much focus on your ex, on what they might be feeling, etc. Your life can't not be about him if you keep it about him so much. He feels however he feels, and who the heck knows how that is, since you two aren't talking anymore. But those feelings are his, about him, not really about you.

And of course, I'd try to see what you can also do to drop the attachment to this idea that he wasn't great for you, but there might not be someone else, so, oh no, what if you lost the one person you could have, even though you two weren't really that good together. Because really, being in something crap isn't better than not being in anything at all in this regard. It really isn't, even if where you've been at with yourself -- but only so far! -- is really wanting or needing external validation like this. Once that changes, and you do better at self-validating, and your esteem grows, you'll see that you won't feel so much like this, because it seems like a lot of your suffering is coming from a chasm that got left by having someone to, in your mind, prove your worth, and now that person is gone. But you can -- and should -- be that person. You don't need to find anyone else or have this ex for that, and it's better it IS you who is that person, both alone and in intimate relationships.

So, I'd see what you can't do to let go, for now, of the idea that to move on, you need to find someone else and they need to want to be in a relationship with you. Healing from a split, and moving forward, can include new relationships, sure, but again, they aren't proof of moving forward. And with the headspace you're in, and the way you're struggling, it obviously would be about the worst time on earth for you to start something new. I'd also propose that before you even look for that, you do all you can to learn to better love and validate yourself. That's not only going to make you a lot happier in your life, it's also going to make finding and nurturing truly healthy, happy relationships a lot easier and more likely. If you feel like crap about you, or feel like your worth needs be proven by a romantic or sexual partner, you're not only always going to feel pretty insecure in relationships and scared (and all the other ow-things), that low self-esteem kind of sets you up for mostly drawing people to you who aren't so great with themselves, either, if you catch my drift.

Per taking a positive risk and just sitting with them: how have you gone ahead and put yourself into something else that feels super scary in your life, but that you needed to just take a risk with? If it helps, I've been in that spot a lot in my life. One big one I can think of is taking the risk to leave my classroom teaching job and put all my eggs in this basket that is Scarleteen. I did that about 18 years ago, and it was scary as hell, Scary financially -- I was already poor and living very precariously -- scary emotionally -- I loved my classroom work, and also really worried about doing something so uncharted (online organizations were not a thing yet). Scary in so many ways.

What I did was just sit down, more than once, and go over all my options, all the possible outcomes, all of what I felt. I tried to tune into my gut feelings as best I could, and just kind of check in with the person I knew myself to be and, more to the point, perhaps, wanted to be. For me, I knew I didn't want to be someone afraid of taking a positive risk and of breaking ground, doing radical things. I also knew I didn't want to let fear or uncertainty limit my life. So, the answer became pretty clear, with both the facts and my intuitive voice telling me that yep, I wanted to go ahead and take this risk and go for what positive possible outcomes and things it could offer me and others.

So, I had the hard conversations (and boy were they: the administrator at the school I was working at basically told me I was a fool for not coming back the next year and thinking I could make a job out of this new-fangled-Internet-shenanigans -- of course, the joke's on her now). I did what I needed to to rearrange my life and steel myself (again, financially, practically, emotionally) for taking the scary step. And then I just did it. I still felt scared, but I did it anyway, much, I suppose, the way that if we literally take a jump off something high, we close our eyes and just jump.

Suffice it to say, I'm very glad I did!

I have no idea if that's helpful to you, any of it, but it's what I've got.

[bigbywolf]

So a few things have happebed.
I flew to another area of New Zealand for auditions for an acting program I am keen to be a part of. Over there I still had moments of seeing strangers and thinking "oh f it's my ex/it's jess" so I know my anxiety is definitely bigger than me. I'll book another counselling session. Other than that it was nice, and the future is seeming more obtainable than a million lightyears away. There is a rumor that my ex is going to move in with his girlfriend next year - she is on the opposite side of the country as us as I think i've previously explained. My main reaction is of course relief. If by some stroke of bad luck I am still island bound next year, at least there is the chance that I no longer run risk of running into someone who has seriously hurt me. Even though eventually it wouldn't have mattered. However, this is giving me a few hurt feelings. He was the first boy I ever loved / the only one to date. I don't think he would have ever moved to have stayed with me. I also notice that a lot of the things that destroyed our relationship (him not spending time with me / him being more commited to his work than to me / him constantly talking to jess on the phone while he and i are meant to be bonding) seem to have been amended with Jess. It is difficult to not feel a little bitter, and of course I wonder if things could have worked between him and me had we talked through just how detrimental some of his behaviours were to the relationship / some of mine, since we never really looked into what I was doing wrong other than "growing distant" which was happening because of the previously mentioned things. I am glad we aren't together though, since it seems he has a real patten of "staying until something better comes along". He and Jess cannot hurt me more than they have already done. However, it is still a very confusing, hurting situation to deal with. I don't think he ever loved me half as much as I loved him and obviously that's embarrassing as well as hurtful. It's actually none of my business, but I do wonder if he and Jess will stay together forever. I just hope that if that happens, I will be at a point where I don't care because my life is so separate / maybe I would finally be able to find someone. I always had it in my head that I would be the heart breaker / care less because I felt like there was power in that. But it's not what happened at all by the end of this, and I am struggling with the emotions that come with that / struggling with valuing myself and finding any good reason to believe that someone will ever love me romantically and sexually like I would like to be loved/ at all.

[Sam W]

Hi Bigbywolf,

I think it might help to keep in mind that, even though it's likely a good thing that your ex would be moving far away, you're still feeling raw from this break-up. So it's not unexpected that this news would set off some emotions for you.

I get where you're coming from on the dumper/dumpee power dynamic. I think that culturally we tend to assume that the dumper feels more detached and less affected by what happened. But, that's one of those things that isn't always true. Break ups happen for so many reasons and in so many kinds of relationships that often the person doing the leaving ends up feeling just as crappy as the person who was left (although those hurts may feel different)

[bigbywolf]

Thank you Sam for validating some of how I'm feeling right now / I think you're very right about the cultural influence affecting how we view the breakup dynamic as the breaker-upper having more power. Also, thanks to Heather for using their example about starting up Scarleteen as a situation of facing something terrifying. That's a bit like what I'm doing right now with pursuing acting school instead of something that is a lot more likely to get me a stable job. Is there any way to reshape my thinking about the embarrassment of not feeling loved / not feeling like I will be romantically loved again in the way I would like or is it one of those things that you should just put on the mental back burner and wait for time to ride it out? I realise that Heathers reply a few comments on does address this as something that is just Not Worth Worrying about right now as I recover / rediscover the relationship I have with myself, but if you have any further reasources or words of wisdom on hand, id love to hear it.

[bigbywolf]

It's been five months since we broke up and four since I've known about my ex and Jess. Surely this shouldn't still be "raw"? I can't pretend that I mattered or that Jess isn't anything serious since after four months he is ready to pack up and move in with her leaving the only place he's grown up in. Yesterday my friend took me to an incredible concert and all I did was cry because it was the first time I went to a concert where my ex wasn't holding me the whole way through. I'm having a really difficult time getting over how little I mattered or matter to him - but it shouldn't matter at all because that's his truth, not mine. I have no relationship with him anymore. Why isn't this fine yet? I want to ask you all "why didn't I matter?" But I can only guess that I didn't / no one can really tell me why other than him and I will never have that conversation because it would only hurt. I hate that my life is still with the hurt of what's happened constantly at the back of my mind. My quality of life has gone down, is staying down, and I don't know how to pick it back up. I can only hope it will get better after exams.

[Karyn]

I'm sorry you're still having such a rough time with this, bigbywolf. Have you been able to make any progress with booking another counselling session? What about doing regular self care?

There are a couple of things that come to mind reading your post, so I'm just going to throw out some thoughts; more in the category of Can't Hurt, Might Help. One thing I'd suggest is trying not to be too conscious of how long it's been and whether or not you "should" be doing better by now. For some people, after some relationships, sure, a few months would be plenty of time to grieve and start moving on. But that's not true for everyone and every relationship: you're having a tough time right now regardless of how long it's been, and that's allowed. The more concerning thing from where I'm sitting is the fact that you seem to be stuck and having trouble dealing with this on your own, and that is something that needs to be addressed, and obviously that's where counselling comes in.

Along the same lines as something Heather mentioned earlier, I'd also see if you can't shift your focus away from comparing the relationship he has (or seems to have) now with the one you had with him. I get that it hurts to see him in a relationship with someone who is Not You, when that relationship looks like the one you would have liked to have had with him, but staying focused on that is going to make it difficult to get past this hurt. You want to know why you didn't matter, but that's sort of working off the assumption that you only matter if you mattered to him, if you get my drift. That's not the case: you have friends who care about you (including one who took you to an amazing concert), you certainly matter to us here at Scarleteen, and hopefully you matter to yourself. You're a whole, important, valuable person regardless of what just one person thinks, and one of the oddly valuable things about breakups is that they can be a chance to sort of reconnect with yourself and rediscover who you are outside of a relationship. It sounds like you're taking some steps towards doing that already by auditioning for that acting program, but it might be useful to take some time and brainstorm some other ways you can get to know yourself again, for lack of a better term. What do you really like about yourself? Are there any things you love doing that fell by the wayside when you were with your ex?

[bigbywolf]

Since the Scarleteen staff has become so supportive and involved in this, I thought I'd give a life update.

Cautiously, I'd say we're reaching calmer waters. My sister has moved back home and she has been helping a lot. It is nice to be in a house of two people that love me fiercely and unconditionally and will give me as much time as i need to "heal" / deal with my weird anxieties until they're no longer an issue (scoping out restaurants before I come in to make sure two certain people aren't already there). While I still have a lot of "precautions" set up to try avoid the ex and jess, it is not half as all-consuming as it used to be. And if I see them, I know it will hurt, but I know I will live.

I did not get into any of the acting schools. That was terrifying, since the only way I could see the future being worth going through the hell of the breakup was to finally be in a profession or on my way to a profession that made me happy. Surprisingly, two days later it isn't affecting me as much as i thought it would. These aren't all the doors to my life closed, and next year still has every chance of being better than this one - the last six months especially.

I've had the chance of things like rebound sex but have not taken them up - i don't value sex with someone else enough to try disconnect my happiness at relating sex with someone else as an expression of loving them. Also, I just haven't found someone that that seems like a fun enough idea to try it with. But I've liked that the chances are there, it dilutes the fear of not being able to find someone to be intimate with again. The idea of meeting someone I could romantically be involved with still feels miles away, but as one of my close friends said to me, it's because my standards are even higher after the relationship with a guy who, at the time, i felt was pretty close to perfect. And that's not a bad thing. It just means when I find someone that I'm ready to be with, there's good likelihood the relationship will be a lot better than my first one ever was.

My friends have been SO supportive - even the friends I thought valued the friendship over my ex than mine. My group has still hung out in big groups with me and without my ex. We still have a lot of fun. They call him "he who shall not be named" around me and the bit of humor around my fear of him makes the fear itself a whole lot easier to deal with.

Things are looking up. Karyn's comment about my depending how much I matter over mattering to him has helped a lot. I matter to so many people. People are treating me so kindly and gently if I'm honest with them and say it's what I still need. I almost forgot there was a reason these people were my friends in the first place - and it was definitely out of more than just a lack of other people to befriend. My sister's boyfriend (who is NOT well off financially) gave me a stunning, steel-string guitar for my birthday. It made me cry so much because it was such a kind thing to do and because I've always wanted to get a better guitar for myself but knew I couldn't ever afford it. It also made me realize that it is NOT too big of an ask to want someone to express love differently to how my ex did. It's not asking for too much to ask for someone who can do things like give you gifts that illustrate how well they know and value you as a person. Not that gifts is the point of this, but they work as a good platform to explain that I learned a lot about how much I am allowed to ask of the world - so long as I am not frightened of a bit of compromise on the less important things :~).

I don't know what's happening to me next year. But even without a significant other, I have not felt less alone for years. Which again says something about the relationship I was in.

I'm doing better. Thank you Scarleteen for contributing MASSIVELY to my wellbeing. You honestly changed the quality of my life for these past rough months.

[Sam W]

I'm so glad to hear you're doing better, bigbywolf! It sounds like you're making a lot of progress in terms of how you're feeling, so digital high fives for that