can't figure this out

[lalalaika]

Hello, I will try to be as clear and brief as possible. Every time I think about it it makes me cry, feel stupid and I don't know what to do.

So last year, I started working at a theatre. I remember the first time I saw him, Jude. I thought he was very handsome and developed an instant crush on him, but nothing serious. After we started being friends, he said something that made me realise he is bi, so my crush on him disappeared and instead I thought he and I could be very good friends.
Jude was the bartender of the place and also the ex boyfriend (but this was like 10 years ago) of one of the directors of the theatre. They are older than me, they are 29, 30 and I am 23 (22 at that time), and Allie (the Director) was always jealous of Jude talking to me or any person around, they had lots of problems and Jude ended up quitting. Jude and I became good friends, at the begining I was sure he only talked to me because he wanted Allie to be jealous, and he was always sending me texts and asking me if we could hang out, it was ok but I tried not to get too excited about him being my friend because I knew it was all going to be fast, as soon as Allie and Jude became friends again he was going to forget about me, so I was just trying to be careful.

Now, one year later, I still don't know if our friendship started because he wanted to make Allie jealous, but I am so thankfull to have a friend like him. I absolutely adore him. I don't have looots of friends and I am always looking for a friend who can get me, who wont fall in love with me and later make me feel bad because I never cared (when I actually never knew, has happened before a lot...), who really wants to be my friend and loves me as I am. So I am very comfortable with him, we hanged out a LOT. he sleeps at my place, we go together to parties, bars, etc. and recently we went to the desert with my dad for a full weekend and it was so beautiful, not only we shared lovely experiences in natural places, but also he met my dad and his friends, which was important to me and my relationship with both of them.

Everything was going great, I actually had been written in my diary that I dont want to lose Jude, ever. I am not the best at relationships in general. And I've lost lots of friends because I felt things and never told them outloud, when I did, things went wrong, I think that everytime I share my deepest feelings towards some situation I felt bad or sad or betrayed it goes wrong, people blame me and we stop being friends, dating, etc. I was so afraid at one point of losing Jude by any chance, that I've been trying to be rational and be cool about everything.

But... Jude's birthday came and I messed everything up.
Weeks before Jude's birthday I asked him what he wanted to do, he said nothing. That most of the times people organised stuff for him and it was ok, so I first asked him if he wanted me to throw him any type of party or dinner or anything and he said no. Then I asked him what he was planning to do, just to know what role to play, I mean, a year is not too long and maybe we wanted to celebrate with other circle of friends, which I am totally fine with. But one day before his birthday he said he wanted to hang out with me at my place, get drunk and watch movies. So there I am thursday night with a bottle of wine, thinking about cooking some snaks for the night... but Jude sent me a message saying he was going to be late because he was with his friend "Nathaliè". I've never met her before. I've only heard of her because of Jude, he loves her, he says she is a hottie and she always "uses" him (his own words, not mine) when she has trouble with her bfs to make them jealous and make out with Jude infront of other people and so. Jude describes her as the bimbo all people hate because she is hot. (I've seen her pics, she is not that pretty, but ok). Also, Allie, our friend in common hates her and has always been jealous of her.
So of course I felt bad. But it was al worst when he said he wanted to go dance with Nathaliè to a club and asked me if I wanted to join them, I said no. Because I am not an example of sexyness or hotness or look like a top model like her, also I am very intense, very deep and emotional and it sounded to me that I was actually going to hate her, but anyway I told Jude "I dont really feel like going, but if you want me to be there, I will go". he said it was ok, he later on said he felt bad because he left me alone at home. I tried to convince myself I was fine and that I didn't care about him changing plans, but I was not. I was devastated. I felt anxious and wanted to get out of my house, get drunk and forget about my feelings.
I guess we were both a little tipsy, and we kept telling each other how much we loved each other and said we were best friends, but deep inside I knew it was guilt talking, because he preferred being with her. It's ok, it would've been nice to now before I was already waiting for him at my place making plans for myself instead.

I called a friend and left, I was determined to lose my self that night and got really drunk. By 3 am, Jude sent me a message asking me where I was, I told him I was at a bar with a friend, he said he was going to pick me up so we could get together. When he got there we were both drank as hell, I kissed him on the lips because I honestly thought I needed to. It was weird tho, (we have made out some occasions in the past, at parties but I've always found it a bit gross because I don't see him that way) but I wanted to mark territory or something. We walked to my house holding hands until we stopped for a slice of pizza on the way. Right in the pizza place, I started flirting with a guy and when we went back to my place I invited the guy I was flirting with, as soon as we walked in, Jude said he was going to sleep he was not feeling very good.
Long story short, I ended up sleeping with the guy I met at the pizza place right next to Jude. He was sleeping like a rock and he made some noises but as he never woke up, I thought he was not going to notice.
He woke up at 7.30 and left my house. I felt really really stupid, not because I slept with a total stranger, but because I was really drunk and I actually never wanted to sleep with anyone, I did it because I felt like shit, I felt my best friend put me in last place and I was not worth to him, not worth for him to spend the night as he said with me, etc. Instead, he ended up going with Nathalie to some event with no friends of Jude, but hers. yay fun.

I know I shouldnt be this stupid or mad, it was his birthday he can do whatever he wants even if it wasnt. But he said. and for me it was actually a very nice surprise he wanted to hang out with me on that day, but in the end it didnt matter. and I did something I didnt want to, because in my dumb impuslve drunk idiotic mind I didnt care and slept with someone I actually didnt want to. next to my bff on his birthday. who is the bad friend now?

It's been almost 2 months, and Jude is not the same person he used to be. He stopped talking to me, he just responds if I call him first, if I text him first. we never meet, if it goes well once a week, and we used to spend days together, sending stuff all the time, making jokes, and I feel like I am losing him. I don't like this feeling, I am depressed, right now he is my only close friend and Ive been getting sick very often too. My doctor said I am giving him a lot of importance, but I just don't understand why wouldnt I. I adore him, I dont want to lose him.

I've talked to him, I told him that if he is sick of me, I should know just to get my distance. He says Im being stupid, of course he is not. Then I asked him if he was ok, because maybe I was too focused on my and my troubles instead of asking him how he was. He said he was sick of this place and this people, he feels stuck, he wants to move out and do something else, but that means being away from me and my house too. So I didnt say anything, I just said I am your friend too, and as much as I need you when I am feeling sad, I am here for you and anything you need. He says he knows. But as days go by and I think everything is going to be ok again, it still feels like he hates me. I apologized 1000 times on his bday for what I did and he said there was nothing wrong, he actually said I was a total champ, but I cant get out of my head that, not only this is the reason that made him mad to me, but also mad me to myself. I need to stop this behaviour, but more important, I dont want to lose him.

Is this the end? I don't know what to do, I am depressed and really dont know what to do, I wish things were as before.

[Heather]

It sounds to me like your best move here is to give this some breathing room: like to chill with the texting and the apologizing, give this person some space for a few weeks, then come back to this and ask to have a talk.

This person just sounds like they are having a hard time of their own right now, with ways of feeling that don't sound like they have anything to do with you and aren't about you, and he's clearly not reaching out to you, which suggests he wants some space and doesn't want to - and may not have the emotional bandwidth to - try and sort through any relationship conflict he may or may not (and I'd guess not, since that is what he has clearly told you) have with you right now. I get that has you feeling insecure, but that is really about you, not him, and is probably more something to work through for yourself, than to try and get time and attention from him when his actions don't seem to indicate that's something he wants or feels up to.

[lalalaika]

Hello! Thank you for replying Heather!

So I didn't come here until now that things have been becoming clearer.

To start, yes he needed some breathing room but because even though he has been busy there are some other reasons he's been like this with me. We've been being passive agressive lately at times because as I imagined he has some stuff stuck about me too. During this time, we've had lots of conversations about this (mostly all of these conversations ended up with me crying and he was kinda weird about that) but right now things have been clearer to me.
First, we talked about this Allie stuff, and I felt confident about our friendship when he said he didn't start being my friend because of making her jealous, that he was not going to substitute my friendship with someone else, and that all these behaviour it's just cause "he is weird". We had a few days where we didnt really talk and I was kind of upset because he wouldn't make the effort to see me or hang out with me when I had the time, only when he wanted and that was after midnight or when I was really busy. We had our breakdown when we said we were going to meet but in the end he stood me up for some friend (now I think this was some guy he is kinda dating/sleeping with).
Jude and I spoke later about it, after that day, things came up and feel like he is kinda in love with me, just as I discovered I am kinda in love with him too, BUT NOBODY HAS SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THIS YET (!!!)
I don't even know if "in love" is even the correct term. Because in my head he has a preference for guys and because I am not his type at all. Maybe is lack of selfconfidence but I know he wouldnt like someone like me phisically and also, he is too perfect for me.

But it's been weird, because before we would never hug as much as now, lately we hold hands when walking, sometimes I try to lay down next to him, but strangely he only does this at my place, not at his (as if at his place he felt uncomfortable or something, he just stands there watching me, trying to change subject or something), he kisses my hand and tries his best to make things work with me because I can't avoid being upset at times and I adore him because of that. Because even though this time has been rough for both of us and I just got tired of trying and stopped, he didn't put and end to our relation. The day we spoke I was kinda difficult to him because I was just waiting for him to say something about not seeing each other in a week, because it was all his "fault", he said he was sorry and that he was a very weird guy, that he gets tired of people and sometimes needs space, that he pushes people away. So I understood that he didnt wanted me in his life at this point and I was like it's ok, I just needed to know it from you and not my mind. I felt released at the moment, but that night I felt sick to my stomach, anxious and with a very big hole inside me because I thought I had lost him. I told him I was suffering that night and next day he said we both expressed ourselves very badly and that he never meant to say that. He insisted on meeting but I was so sick I said next day was ok. THat next day we ate together, went to do some stuff together and then hanged out at my place. He started singing a song that says "It's easy for you to let me down and take my feelings away with you" and I was like what's that all about? He said it's from me to you. And I asked him why until he finally admitted... He has been feeling let down by me longer than I thought (by this I mean, before the birthday incident).
He said I abandoned him when I started dating a guy, and liking another guy I had a fling with, and at the end he said "and the guy you slept with on my birthday" and that's when I knew why he was acting like this. He is jealous. I don't know if as a friend or he likes me. But let's be honest, him liking me doesnt mean we are going to date or anything. I think the best thing would be just to assume it and thats it. or assuming it and see where time takes us.
OR, could I be wrong? what do you think?

I've been feeling better, but also kinda stupid for not knowing before about his feelings. He never said anything and I guess the incident on his birthday was just the cherry on top and that's why he started being this distant to me.

I don't know what to do, I've been feeling nervous about saying or making any move. I kinda tried to tell him I had some feelings about him lately, but maybe it came out really scary. I wanted to tell him I had a conversation with my dad which made me realise I have to work out some of my issues on relationships because as soon as I felt rejected by him I started to think and feel I had feelings for him, but that this really didn't mean anything because we are friends, and he likes guys more than girls, and it wouldn't make any sense. But I just said "I had an interesting conversation with my dad. do you want to know what was about? My dad said I had to work this out" and he said is it about me? then I probably don't want to know.

I am leaving in a week and returning until February. Things are inevitably going to change and both of us being away from each other will make us reflect on this... but still no idea how to manage this. I only fantasize about kissing him when saying goodbye. but this could be very stupid decision...

[Sam W]

Hi lalalaika,

I think I am with Heather in that, even with all the other details you've given, some space might be really helpful. I say that for a few reasons. One is that it will give you a chance to sort out your feelings and wants about relationships in general. It might also give you a chance to focus on yourself and how you feel about you and maybe work on that a bit, It can be good to take a chance to do that instead of focusing all your mental and emotional energy on relationships. Finally, it would give you both some breathing room. It sounds a little bit like because you two keep seeing each other and talking, the weirdness gets compounded. So a break might give you both a chance to clear your heads.

[lalalaika]

Hi Sam, then thank you for replying and doing it again now

It hasn't been awkward now, I actually feel pretty good about how things have been clearing this awkwardness between us. I try not to insist or call him, only when I can't really hold it anymore and feel like seeing him or sharing something funny with him. He has also been insistent on this.

It's just that, I really don't know if I should say anything so we actually have something to reflect about while being away from each other. I actually believe that as nobody has said anything yet, this time and space is not going to be as helpful as it could be. I think we are both a little scared about the distance and also, my trip has been one of the reasons he has been distant from me too, because I am not going to be here for almost 2 months and even though we both have other friends, we are very very close and it's just going to be hard... but good.

if you were me, would you explain your feelings to Jude? I just find it hard to let it go like this because in the future (experience talking) this situation will come up again.

[Sam W]

I think the question of whether or not to explain your feelings rests on a few things: what you hope the outcome will be, what the outcome is likely to be, and what the worst outcome is. What are you hoping to get out of telling him, and do you think that will happen? And what are the risks of telling him, and are they things you can live with? Giving yourself a chance to sort those questions out might help you figure out to proceed. If you want, you can even write the thought process out to help you clarify it, if that makes sense.