Talking about sex?

[Volleygirl22]

I've posted on here about how to talk to a guy I like, who had been through a bad breakup. I took the advice that was given, and I just started a general conversation with him. As we talked, it got more serious, I mentioned to him that I had feelings for him, and he said he feels the same, and at one point, we were talking about sex. We both let slip that it's something we both want to do. He told me if I ever want to do it, we'll talk about it. Is this something that would be a problem for us to consider? I've never had a boyfriend and have never had sex before, but he is the one I'd love my first time to be with. Any advice? I do want to talk to him about it a little more, just to be sure it's something we'd both be ready for, for sure. How could I start the conversation? Also, if we both are sure we're ready, is there anything I should do to prepare, considering I've never had sex before?

[Redskies]

Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner is what you're looking for!

In your other thread about readiness http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=3166 , Snorkmaiden gave you a link to our Sex Readiness Checklist - I'd recommend that to you now. You can also search the main site, and explore the collections of articles and advice columns listed under tags like "readiness" and "communication" - we have lots!. How about you do some reading for yourself, and then come back with any specific questions or further thoughts brought up from that material?

[Volleygirl22]

Thank you! I read through everything, and most of my questions were answered. I do have a few extra.

1. I hear people say that the first time hurts like you wouldn't believe, and others who say "ehh, it doesn't hurt too bad". Naturally, I'd want to be on the "not so bad side", is staying calm the best thing I can do, or is there something more? Would this be where having lube would be a good idea?

2. If we decide we aren't ready for full on sex, but would want to try other stuff, where would be the best place to start? Like say we were to start simple and as time went on, do more that would make us more comfortable with actual sex. What would be considered a safe start?

[Redskies]

Intercourse shouldn't hurt, the first time or any time. If someone has pain, that pain means something isn't quite right, and it's a big signal to stop. Hopes and intentions for first intercourse can and should definitely be higher than "not so bad"! For sure, it may well have moments of awkwarndness, klutziness, and cluelessness, but a good baseline is that it should be something everyone involved is super-excited to do, and fun and enjoyable. If you'd like to read more about that way of thinking of it, I always love An Immodest Proposal.

People can have pain if they're not aroused enough, mentally or physically: the vagina relaxes and expands with arousal. Too, the vagina's a muscle, so if someone's very nervous and tense and has tense muscles, that'll probably include the vagina. Lube is definitely a key part of intercourse, because without it, there can be too much friction, which can also cause pain. For all the details: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

If you haven't seen it already, you'll probably find First Intercourse 101 helpful, and any of our other pieces linked in that one.

Other kinds of sex than intercourse are sex too I know there's a fairly common framework where only intercourse "counts" as sex, or only intercourse is "really" or "actual" sex, but that doesn't really fit with the realities of most people's sexual lives or the feelings they have about it. Lots of people have kinds of sex that aren't intercourse but are very definitely sex. That framework also tends to be a barrier to having a healthy and emotionally rewarding sexual life, not to mention communication difficulties for reproductive health, so it's one we try to get away from here. What's Sex? will tell you where we're coming from.

There isn't any one activity or progression that could be considered a "safe start", because everyone is different, feels differently, and has different needs. What might be a very big deal for some people won't be so much for others. One universal is the amount of STI transmission risk and pregnancy risk from different activities and how to lower those risks, so that's a thing you'll want to look into first so you have the information that'll help you make the right decisions for you. What is different for each person is the level of risk that you're comfortable with. I'd suggest checking out:
Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To
Safer Sex...for Your Heart
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

[Volleygirl22]

Thank you very much! I'll give those a read

[Redskies]

You're welcome.