Should I break up with him?

[butterly007]

Hi I was wondering what you guys think about my situation and if you can lend me some advice on my decision-making
So 4 months ago I got together with one of my coursemates in college and now we're in a relationship. 10 months ago, however, we started having intimate relations such as kissing and a few bouts of PDA but unfortunately at the time, he was still in an official relationship with his estranged girlfriend from a different school.
I didn't admit to liking him at the time because I knew I shouldn't have but he made a few "moves" towards me and I admittedly took those opportunities and I am aware and apologetic of my mistake Eventually they did break up and now we're together.
Before we were together we were only best friends and I was usually the one giving him advice on how to maintain his relationship with his girlfriend (yes, ironic). So when we got together, he expected it to be very similar to being best friends in the sense that he didn't really think I would ask for more time from him or ask a little more support from him. Like I think he thought our relationship was essentially going to be "strong friendship but with relationship labels".
Now my problem is he's always so undependable. And when I talk to him about it or be annoyed at him about it, he tells me I don't "understand" or "accept" him for who he is. That makes me sad because I honestly feel like I really have been very understanding about his limitations with time (I never try to take his study time or dance practice time away from him) and I don't really ask things from him. I'm usually just disappointed because he doesn't follow through with the things he himself offers to do.
Aside from this, I don't really think he accepts me. I was recently very depressed that my other best friend took me to the guidance office. During the first few weeks of this depression, he was kind of supportive. After awhile, he told me that /he/ couldn't handle /my depression/, that my outward expression of my depression was difficult to deal with (mood swings, irritability). Whenever we have "pregnancy scares" (that don't have legitimate risks) I always feel like he never cares about me and my welfare and only asks if I've gotten my menstruation to ensure that "his future is still intact and possible". Recently, I had a knee injury. I was surprised because at first, he actually offered to pick me up from my house and bring me to school (we're commuters)! He would apparently go to my house and call a cab (we don't have our own cars because we live nearby our college and we don't need it) and bring me to school. So I told him I was actually going to go to school tomorrow and he suddenly like had a 180 degree change. He was so worried and concerned the past few days but now that I'm actually going to go to school and I might need his help he's so indifferent about it :/
My other friends have advised me to break up with him because he'll always be confusing and undependable, but I find it difficult because he's my closest friend and he still makes me laugh and keeps me company at times.

[Sam W]

Hi butterly,

That does sound like a stressful relationship to be in. And it's seldom a good sign if your partner tends to make things that most directly affect you (periods, depression) about them. Supportive partners tend to comfort you in moments of stress and turn to other people to help them cope with whatever feelings your stress is causing them. Something that may be a helpful starting point for you is to read these pieces and see if anything strikes a chord with you: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For

[Heather]

You know, you still can potentially have this person as your closest friend, if they really are. I say if because some of what you say here -- that you don't feel accepted by this person, for instance, and that he seems to be very self-involved in a lot of ways -- doesn't sound like someone really being a very good friend to you.

But if he is, and wants to be -- and it sounds like he's given you the clear sense that kind of relationship is actually the kind he would prefer -- and you want him to be, you can talk about how you'd like to stop having a sexual relationship and go back to being friends sans any sex or romance. Sometimes a shift like that takes a little time and space to get back to a non-sexual friendship, but it's certainly doable. So, a breakup doesn't have to mean losing your friend.

I hear you voicing clear feelings that as a romantic and/or sexual relationship, this isn't working for you, and it doesn't seem like trying to improve it with him is getting you anywhere. I hear you voicing a clear desire to break up. Those things make pretty clear to me that that's the choice you want to make, for the most part, and I am with you that it sounds like a right one for you. Staying in a sexual relationship with someone just because we don't want to lose another part of the relationship is never a good thing: it basically sets you up to kind of be exchanging sex or that kind of relationship for friendship and...well, bleck.

So, how about you bring all this to him and start talking?

[butterly007]

Thanks Sam! I'll be reading the articles.

Thanks as well, Heather. Makes a lot of sense. Sure, I'll talk to him soon and see what happens

Thank you so much! I feel much better and I feel like I have a clearer picture of the problems and issues I have to discuss and the feelings I have about our relationship.

[Heather]

That first link Sam gave you is -- I think, anyway -- a pretty good walkthrough tool to making these choices. So, if you're still on the fence, or just want something to help validate your own feelings, I think it'd be a good one for you to read through.

One good talking point for you I can see in all of this, btw, is that it sounds like what he wanted was a friendship that just also happens to include sex. It sounds like that's not what you want, and that you're very frustrated because you expected something else, or perhaps thought you two were agreeing to something else. Maybe some of what happened here was that you both were making assumptions, but weren't communicating those and didn't make clear agreements.

So, you may just want very different things, and instead of just making clear what he wants, he's behaving badly to kind of try and passively get it (and probably not consciously). Not a move with a lot of emotional maturity or self-awareness, to be sure, but you know, a lot of people lack that. If you can bring that maturity and awareness to the table here yourself, bringing clarity and active communication to the table, and he can then respond in kind, you two have much more luck of getting somewhere here, whether you wind up agreeing to go back to a non-sexual friendship, or one or both of you feel that it's best to just part ways altogether.

I'd also lobby for perhaps putting more energy into your other friendships regardless, though. If this is your closest friend, it doesn't sound like such a great thing, since some of the ways he has been acting don't sound like someone being a very good friend at all. In other words, what I'm saying is that even just with a friendship alone, it sounds to me like you could do a whole lot better, and since you've been talking to other friends about this who do seem to be more supportive of you, it might serve you best to try and get closer to one or more of those friends. You deserve close friends who really act like friends: anyone does.