Newbie to dating!!!!

[A.53]

Hey everyone! I'm 20 and I just started dating my first ever boyfriend so I'm still a little new to dating and relationships. I've went on dates with other guys but they always ended in failure and me being used. So to have a healthy relationship and to have such a loving boyfriend who treats me right is the newest thing to me, as sad as that sounds. Anyways I don't have alot of issues with being over protective or not trusting, in fact we both give each other our space and trust each other. Our relationship is very healthy in this aspect!
However, the only problem is his ex. He only dated one other girl before me and they were together for 4 years! It's very intimidating because I knew her from highschool she was always popular and pretty, I was average in popularity but I was very overweight in highschool. I am still working on my weight but it's more in control. His ex won't leave him alone she posts on all his social media! He and I talk about it but I really don't like her.

To make things worse! My insecurity to not measuring up to her in my mind has crossed over to our sex life. My boyfriend is the only person I've had vaginal sex with. However, my boyfriend has had sex with me and his ex. We were talking about female ejaculation (squirting) because I've always been intrigued as to whether I was a girl who could. He said he didn't think I could because his ex could and he used be able to feel before she would but I don't feel like the way she did. I was devistated and now I hate being intimate with him, I feel like I don't messaure up to her. I'm frustrated with my body and it has caused me to hate it! I don't orgasm at all with him anymore and even when I orgasm on my own I feel so disappointed that I didn't squirt that I just don't enjoy it.
How do I deal with this? Is there anyway to force myself to squirt? What would you guys do in this situation? Thanks for your time!

[Heather]

Before I get to talking about the idea of trying to make your body do something sexual, and to try and compete with someone else, no less, can you fill me in on how much of these feelings you have shared with your boyfriend, just like you have here?

However much or little you have done that, how has that gone so far? Have those talks left you feeling any better or with a greater ability to work through these feelings and start to get past them?

Also, have you set any limits with him about talking about his ex? Clearly, you don't feel at all ready to hear about his past sexual partners: have you clearly told him that and asked him not to share that kind of history with you yet?

One more: why are you being sexual with him when you say you hate it?

[A.53]

My boyfriend and I have talked about things like this before but I've never fully told him exactly my thoughts and feelings because I don't want to sound like a protective or crazy girlfriend. We have a pretty open relationship I just feel bad because I know they ended things on a good term and they still have a dog that they owned together that they both spend time with and I want to tell him I don't like him talking to her or spening time with her but I know that was something she did to him all the time and made him want break up with her. I'm afraid if I get too upset over this he'll break up with me too! For the most part when we talk things through I feel better but there is still a part of me that feels guilty, or embarrassed for bringing it up.

We kind of have an unspoken limit to how much we talk about our past sexual experiences. I don't think he even realized what he was doing when he mentioned it. We for the most part are very open with each other. I had a lot of partners that I didn't have intercourse with but did other things and we talk about that sometimes. After the way I reacted to him sharing about his ex he hasn't shared many stories since.

To answer your final question, I do enjoy being with him it's just I get very frustrated with my abilities and then it ruins the moment cause we stop and he refuses to try anything unless he is 100% sure I want to try again, but lately it just hasn't been something I want to do so he's respected it. Yet when I do feel like I want to be intimate with him the feeling very rarely lasts and then he stops again which he is fine with I just feel bad that it's ruining our intimacy because I do enjoy sharing myself with him in that way it's just if I begin to think about what I can't do it becomes unfun and I usually get flustered and cry and then he feels bad because he thinks he's forced me. Then sometimes I do want it without having to stop I just can't orgasm anymore because I just know it won't be what I want it to be. Anytime we are intimate it is 100% consenual and as soon as I don't want it he stops and is respectful about it.

[Heather]

One more before I dig in: can you give me an idea about where you feel like you are in general with your self-esteem?

[Heather]

Also just adding the other post you made, since you've brought that up with this one, but said a little more there. That way, we have all of what you're asking for and expressing here in one tidy place!

How do I compete with his ex?

Hey guys I've been with my first ever boyfriend for almost 3 months and he's great. Everything is great except his ex is better than me in every single way! She can even do things in the bedroom that my body will never do no matter how hard I try! How do I deal with the fact that she is better than me? My insecurities especially with my body and the bedroom are ruining the relationship! It's gotten to the point whete I want to break up with him and find someone who doesn't have an intimidating ex just because I feel so awful about myself. I just don't know what to do, or what I can do to help myself!

[A.53]

I hate myself, I always have but after I took control and started working out and eating right I was atleast ok with myself. However, it really bothers me when I can't do things others can do because I'm beyond competitive so if I struggle with anything I immieaditely get frustrated! I've always been insecure with guys though and I'm somewhat of a perfectionist so I really hate messing up or not doing things. Also I'm sorry about posting in two places I wasn't sure of where I was exactly posting!

[Heather]

Okay. Thanks for filling me in, especially when the feelings are so hard. It's certainly not fun to give a lot of details about our most vulnerable feelings or headspaces.

There is a LOT to address here (and some of your statements seem to conflict with each other, but we can deal with that in a bit if we get talking more specifically), so I'm going to start in broad strokes.

If you hate yourself, then the truth is, you're not going to be able to either find, have or sustain healthy relationships. That's just how it is. In order to do have a healthy relationship with anyone else, we have to at least first have one with ourselves. We can't do that without positive self-esteem. We can't do that and hate ourselves. And cliche as it sounds, it's a for-real thing that someone can't actually love or even like us all that much if we don't love and like ourselves: all they could love, at most, and like is the kind of shadow of ourself (or persona, if we're acting different to try and please them so they won't leave) we're putting out there while the rest of us -- and usually the more true, real and deep parts of who we are -- is being locked away by insecurity, self-loathing and a lack of self-worth and self-esteem.

When we do, that's exactly what really makes all these kinds of insecurities and fears crop up, and also what keep a person from being honest about their feelings. You say you feel you can't be or this person might leave you: that's something else that's all about how insecurity and self-loathing -- and refusing to love and accept yourself. Someone with positive self-esteem might feel scared and vulnerable when sharing hard feelings with a partner, but they're not likely to avoid doing that because they want that person to stay, even if they can't be real with them. Someone with positive self-esteem isn't going to look at someone's ex as being "better" than them (or the other way around: that kind of emotional competitiveness is about insecurity), or TRY and compete with them.

So. Before ANY of this is likely to really go well, stay well, and be able to get to any kind of emotional depth, richness or realness -- and before it actually is even that sound to have sexual relationships with others -- it sounds like who you need to be dealing with and working to resolve things with first and foremost is you. There's just no way to do this the other way round.

I can certainly talk about strategies with this, and then get into more of the specifics of some things you said or asked about, but I first want to just see how you feel about what I've said already and what you think.

[A.53]

I guess yeah! It's just so hard to like myself especially now when I can't do what a lot of girls can do. I've tried I just feel more like I'm trapped in my body instead of that I'm living in my body.

[Heather]

I'm not sure what it is you can't do that a lot of women (you say girls, but looking at your age, I presume whatever you mean, if it's about you, you don't mean girls) can.

If you mean ejaculate, a) actually far fewer people with vaginas can do that -- or do it more than very occasionally -- than those who can and b) there is no way your whole self-esteem hinges on whether or not you can ejaculate, or, more to the point -- since what that seems to really even about is this -- doing what, to you, feels like sexually one-upping your partner's ex. Self-esteem, for one, actually isn't much about what we can or can't do at all, whatever those things are, but about who we are as whole people. But self-esteem also isn't something people can get when they don't have any from ANY kind of sex or sexual response. Would that it were anywhere near that simple. Lastly, trying to one-up anyone in this way is something that tends NOT to support self-esteem, since it's hard to feel good about ourselves if we're acting vengeful, spiteful or trying to make ourselves feel better by making someone else look worse. Those are self-esteem enemies, not allies.

Self-esteem also probably doesn't have a lot to do with your body or your relationship now unless you feel you had very positive self-esteem through your life UNTIL now, and now it's in the crapper. Was that the case? Is hating yourself new, and only happening within this relationship, or have you felt the way you do now when it comes to your self-esteem before this relationship?

[Heather]

Just to also make sure you get a bigger picture of what positive self-esteem is actually about (and what low self-esteem often is), and some other basic bits about it, I want to share a link with you that does a great job at walking someone through it all to get started: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-supp ... j5hYq6rRok

(I actually have to shuttle off for much of the rest of the day to meet book deadlines, but that may take you a bit to read and start to think through, anyway, which is probably a good idea for a day or so, since it sounds like you're kind of looking everywhere but at the real root issues with some of what you've asked about today. I'll pose my nose back in here probably once more before the day is done, but will check back again tomorrow.)

[A.53]

Yes I meant women my age. I just don't get why I can't do it but she could. Infact that is the issue right there, to be honest I wouldn't care about the fact that I can't if I didn't know she could do it.

All though since I started dated my boyfriend, I have found myself liking myself more. Most of the time I don't hate myself or I can atleast find things I like about myself. Infact the fact that he continues to point out the charcteristics I always wanted to possess and he seems to find them in myself, not that I base my esteem on his oppinion of him it's just been a boost to have someone who points out my charecteristics that I value.

[Heather]

Because you aren't the same person with the same body, for one. I bet you and I,despite both having a vulva, or legs, or a face, have things one of our bodies does the other's doesn't, too. Just having the same genital structure as someone else doesn't mean your bodies, including your genitals, will work the same ways, do (or not do) the same things, or respond the same way to something.

Too, her body was likely more able to respond sexually in any number of ways -- including things you both can "do" -- if her goal to respond wasn't to try and one up someone else, but just to enjoy herself, for herself. It sounds to me like lately, a lot of the sex you've been having and ways you're going about it have to do with everyone BUT you, and with the ejaculation bit, isn't even about anyone actually involved, but a hate-on for your partner's ex. However our unique bodies do or don't respond sexually at any given time, they rarely respond well when our focus isn't just on enjoying ourselves and our bodies, but about hating on ourselves or someone else, or trying to force our bodies to respond certain ways rather than simply being open and into how they do.

But again, a given sexual response or experience is not going to be a thing that can give you real self-esteem, period. I can't encourage you enough to try and drop your focus on this and see if you can't sift through all this static to look at what's really going on underneath it all. Hint: it's not really about your partner's ex or even your partner. It probably has very little to do with your relationship with him at all. What it is clearly most about is your relationship with yourself.

How about you spend some time with the information I gave you about it? I will check back in on you tomorrow, and we can talk about what you got from that.

[A.53]

Thank you so much! I'll read through it!

[Heather]

Sure thing. Just give a shout when you have and want to pick up where we left off. Just FYI, I'm a bit less available than usual today and over the next week due to finishing six months of book work, so I might not be as fast as usual with the back and forth.

[A.53]

Oh that is completely fine! I understand being busy! I read the article all the way through and think it's a great resource. To be honest I've been in and out of counselling since I was 16 and this has always been a thing I worked on but I know it can't work if I don't want to invest myself enough into myself. We did alot of CBT through the years and I know that therapy quite well as I often facilitate it in the field I'm in. I just don't know how to make myself want to help myself so really I think I'm at a loss. I know some days I love myself and lately it's gotten better than before because I can usually level at a place where I can be confident in me as a person. It's just when I feel like I have failed it shatters me and I don't let go of the failure and it eats away at myself. For me when I get into these mindsets it can be hard for me to shut them down because it's easier to hate myself than admit that it's ok that I'm not perfect

[Redskies]

Well, I see you trying: you posted here, for a start . Maybe you can take hold of that fact and follow it along as best you can to the things that might help you the most.

You know, any time someone feels like it's easier to hate themself than do another thing - especially a healthy thing - I think that's a pretty big cue that some professional support would be a good idea. Same with feeling so very strongly about failure: for sure, it's going to feel seriously crappy, but when you find you go on feeling dreadful a long time, it's healthier to get some support in finding ways to move on from it. Are you currently getting any counselling or therapy?

[A.53]

I have a counsellor at my college that I see every once in awhile when things get bad but usually by the time I see him things are fine and there isn't really much to work through then I feel bad for wasting his time.

[Redskies]

I can imagine that specific instances may pass and no longer feel relevant. Many of the things you've brought up in this thread, though, sound like they're long-standing difficulties for you, where you'd benefit from some professional guidance at any point. Too, if much of your counselling - overall or more recently - has been a bit drop in and out rather than something regular, I'd expect you not to be able to make serious headway with some of the issues you've raised here. Would you be interested in starting or re-starting some more regular therapy?

[A.53]

I suppose I could try! I just don't know how much time I have for it

[Heather]

If there's time for an intimate relationship, then there can be time for counseling, I always figure. After all, counseling won't ask more than an hour or so of your time in a week. This also comes back to something similar I said earlier: if you can't take care of yourself, you can't -- not just you, any of us -- be able to be in healthy intimate relationships. If there's not time for self-care, then it's not sound to be taking the kind of big emotional risks anything intimate involves.

None of this sounds like "not much to work through." This is a LOT to work through. If the counselor you see says there isn't, then either you're not being honest with them about all this like you have here or they're not paying attention.

Plus, really, when we're struggling this much, we just have to make time to get the help that we need. And no doubt, all this hating on yourself and hard feelings probably also has got to make it harder to get through your day to day, let alone any relationships, so you have to figure that when you get help you need, you're going to likely free up more time and energy than you'll probably spend, and feel better, on top of it.

[A.53]

I'll try it. I have questions about female ejaculation though

[A.53]

My problem would be solved if I could do it

[Heather]

Again, there is no way any given kind of sexual response will fix an emotional or mental health issue. That is magical thinking that doesn't square with all we know about self-esteem problems or feelings of envy about a partner's sexual history. You can't ejaculate those feelings away.

But I am certainly happy to answer questions about ejaculation, regardless, and it's not like it would harm you to find out about any part of sexual response, as a topic, or to engage in any kind of wanted sexual experimentation.

[A.53]

I know I just think if I was more evenly matched with her I wouldn't feel as insecure. Can every female ejaculate? Do you have to have any special parts? What would make it easier to do?

[A.53]

How come I don't do it?