Lets's redefine Sexually Active!!!

[DulceDiva]

A doctor might ask if you're sexually active. When a doctor asks they mean are you engaging in sexual activities with one or more people.
Personally I would like to redefine sexually active so that it's more inclusive. Maybe you watch porn ( if you're legal) , read erotic stories , masturbate or participate in another solo sexual activity. Maybe you are experiencing sexual attraction to someone. I personally at the moment aren't sexually active in the traditional sense but currently experience sexual attraction & engage in activities that I receive sexual pleasure from. You are as sexual as you want to be , just because you aren't involved in sexual activities with others doesn't mean you lack sexuality.

[Mo]

DulceDiva, I like the way you think.

Have you seen our article What's Sex? yet? What you're saying here aligns with much of what's in that article. I definitely agree that someone's sexuality isn't dependent on them having a sexual partner present.

[Keda]

I totally agree in a layman context: it doesn't make much sense to restrict "sexually active" to mean "with another person" in general terms, because like you say, there are lots of other things you can do which are just as sexual as having sex with another person.

Doctors may not be the best example, though, because in a medical context, sexually active pretty much means "doing things which can pose a risk of pregnancy and/or STIs", so it does make sense to use a narrow definition in medicine.

[Mo]

Absolutely it's good to be clear w/doctors, and sometimes I wish they would be more clear with patients, to clarify what they want to know about sexual activity. Sometimes people don't know why a doctor's asking if they're sexually active, and it might make a difference if patients know doctors want to know for, say, STI risk reasons vs. pregnancy risk reasons, and if doctors can be very clear about patient confidentiality.

[Keda]

Yep - in fact it might even be better to recycle the term altogether... because honestly, I hadn't even considered the possibility that doctors would consider anything other than intercourse to count as "sexual activity" until I read a post by Heather about a month ago. Next time I'm asked that by a medic, I'mma have to ask what they mean.

[Redskies]

A doctor Should also mean things like oral sex and manual sex when they ask if someone's sexually active. If they don't they're... really not very good with sexual/reproductive health. It's always a great idea to check exactly what a specific doctor in a specific context means, though. And I do agree it's their responsibility to be more explicit about what they mean!

I do love the idea of paying more attention to and including people's solo sexual lives generally. It's an important part of many people's sexual lives, and it's certainly not less important or in any way less that partnered sex.

[DulceDiva]

I'm so flattered you all replied , nice to know I'm not they only one who thinks that sometimes our vocabulary can be unintentionally harmful & exclusive. Instead of using sexually active , a medical processional can say Are you engaging in activities that put you at risk for pregnancy , stds & stis etc. While it's not a catchy jingle it gets to the point without making someone feel bad.

[Heather]

I think the tricky bit with that is that there are many people who do not know which activities pose those risks -- especially STI risks -- so asking it that way would be very problematic and often result in a patient not getting the healthcare or tests they need. In other words, that way of asking would not help healthcare providers do their jobs well or best support patients getting the right care.

So, why healthcare professionals ask if people are sexually active is often to account for that, because they DO know. When they ask this, they also aren't asking if someone has a sexuality or not, nor are they presuming that only engaging activities that pose health risks means someone has a sexuality. Even though many healthcare providers aren't sex educators and don't have intensive education in sexuality, most are aware that human sexuality is a far bigger thing than if people are engaging in genital sex with others or not.

I'm curious, if you don't mind, why a doctor asking you this -- using this language, rather than basically asking the same thing in another way -- is something you have found makes you feel bad? And why you feel this phrase is harmful? What harm do you believe it does?

[Snorkmaiden]

Maybe it would help if health care providers would ask 'are you sexually active with other people'? Because that seems to be what they mean.
But it might also help if we realise that they're not asking 'are you a sexual being?'

[Heather]

While clinic/doctor practices vary, more times than not anymore, I'd say this actually is not even something a doctor is asking. What I have found is more common is for this to be addressed on intake forms -- especially if the healthcare is specifically sexual healthcare -- and on those forms what it will tend to ask is if a person has had sexual partners, how many, and for what activities.

Again, this isn't everywhere, and in more generalized healthcare, it is likely to be asked this way rather than on forms as a shorthand to determine if a patient wants or needs sexual healthcare. But even then, some providers simply ask a person if they have had or do have sexual partners rather than asking if someone is sexually active.

But I think that second point you have made there, Snorkmaiden, is a good one. Because again, that truly is not at all what providers are asking or implying.

What they are trying to determine is simply if someone needs specific kinds of sexual healthcare (which is why broadening what sexually active is meant to mean, rather than keeping it pretty lean, would only confuse the issue, since, for example, someone reading erotica or just watching pornography is not going to need any healthcare around that as those activities do not present any kind of physical health risks).

[DulceDiva]

Ok so maybe we need another word that's inclusive & can leave sexually active the way it is. My displeasure with this word & other things are connected to some of my insecurities which I shall not drone on about on this thread but will discuss in a private message.

[Karyn]

(Just a note, private messages have been disabled for everyone's safety. But, DulceDiva, you're more than welcome to start a new thread if you'd like to discuss some of the insecurities you mention.)

[papaya31]

ugh...I agree. I got some crappy medical care when I was a bit younger because I thought they were asking about PIV sex. I was having all kinds of sex, just not PIV. Nobody offered me STD testing, etc. - and I just didn't know that I should have said something. This is so related to the "virnigity" topic re: what constitutes losing it. In retrospect, I realize that I lost my virginity in a really amazing non-PIV experience - but spent years feeling disappointed that my first PIV experience didn't match that.

[DulceDiva]

Maybe I'll make a thread or talk to someone I trust

[Keda]

You could also use the live chat, if you want the conversation to be private.

[SilentDragon]

I support this idea. At least have the medical professionals word this question differently. Especially because of the different definitions of sex in our culture. I can see how it can confuse people. I recently went to the gynecologist and I wasn't sure what definition they were using to define "sexually active" on the form I had to fill out, so I called and asked. But the bigger problem I have with the term is that it doesn't really cover abuse/assault situations. Even if they have a separate section for it on forms (my gyn's had a 3-question box-checking section), it basically forces survivors to define what happened to them as "sex" even though what they're really being asked is "have you had any potential pregnancy/STI risks?" It just seems highly problematic to me, though I'm not sure what a better alternative would be as a lot of people don't know what poses an actual risk.

[kabith]

I agree that it is a confusing term! When I was younger, I never knew what to say and always said "no" because I always thought they meant penis-in-vagina sex, and no one had ever told me what they actually meant (and still haven't) when asking about my sexual status. The bigger issue though, is how limited the conversation about sex tends to be- you usually just answer that question yes or no, and that's it.

What probably bothers me even more though is the response that I get from nurses (and sometimes even the doctors themselves) when I answer the question. I usually either ask what they mean (which always catches them off guard), or I list off the kinds of sex that I do have. That is usually met with a kind of surprised look, or the unwillingness to make eye contact with me XD I always feel like... really? Really? They act like I've just given them a list with TMI, but shouldn't my doctor know whether or not I'm having oral/PIV/manual/anal sex? Doesn't each kind of sex have a different set of risks and body parts that could be relevant to a visit?

I'm super happy with my current endocrinologist (a doctor who specializes in hormones and body chemistry, whom I have to see multiple times a year) because he is super open and happy to talk about sex and birth control, which takes a lot of awkwardness out of the conversation. (He literally asks, every visit, how things are going with my "frisky time" boyfriend). He is the first doctor that I've ever had who has told me what a risk pregnancy can be with diabetes, and every visit we go over a plan on how I can enjoy my sexuality and still prevent unwanted pregnancies (i.e. what method would feel best for me and my partner, but is easy enough to use that we will use it consistently) and how I will plan to have a healthy child, even if it is in 10 years from now. I really wish all doctors would incorporate a discussion about sexuality into any kind of doctors visit, instead of one question of "are you sexually active," because sexuality and how you exercise it can have a huge impact on overall health. It is better to keep the conversation current to catch anything that could be going wrong, instead of having an long conversation later once something bad has already developed which could have been foreseen and prevented with regular chats. These regular chats could help healthcare provides pick up on anything from pregnancy risks to abusive relationships.

But maybe that is wistful thinking on my part