Newbie to dating!!!!

[Sam W]

Hi A.53, hope you don't mind my chiming in

Out of curiosity, why do you think you feel that way? If you woke up tomorrow and could suddenly ejaculate on command (which, but the way, is not really something that happens), what do you think that would change? Because honestly, you're a whole person, with a unique personality and body. Having or not having a specific sexual response is not going to make or break you.

A great piece to start learning about ejaculation and how it does (and does not) happen is this one: Squirt: On Ejaculation

[Heather]

I want to also remind you about something I said early on in this conversation, which is that however our bodies ARE going to sexually respond, they're not likely to do so well when we are trying to force them to do things, or when we're all full of insecurity, anger or envy, or when we're focused on someone not even part of the sex we're having instead of just being in the moment. And in your case, you seem to have all of this going on now, so who knows what your body can or can't do, but all the yuck you have all tied up in this is going to be a huge barrier to even just enjoying yourself, let alone to having sexual responses.

So, if your body can ejaculate -- and again, who knows, and I certainly couldn't predict that -- something you can do to make it more likely is first work on your root issues and on letting go of this obsessive and unhealthy focus on your partner's ex. Same goes with letting go of trying to make your body do something, for whatever reason, rather than just seeking and exploring pleasure and letting it do whatever it does. But again, until you work on the real issues here and unless you create some real change in that department, even that isn't going to be very easy for you.

[A.53]

Oh don't apologize Sam W! The more oppinions the merrier! I want to do this because I want to be perfect for him and I feel like my body is boring without it. I also don't like the fact that his ex could do it and I can't, and it's not even something I can change. Thank you for the article I'll read it over.
I understand what you're saying Heather, I just am afraid my body won't do anything and I'll be boring to him. I hate being different.

[A.53]

It just bothers me because she has something she can do with her body but I don't have anything that my body can do but hers can't I feel less than her.

[Sam W]

The thing is, our bodies will always be different from the bodies of other people. That's just something we have to learn to make peace with. Too, it can help to think about the fact that what makes us unique is not merely our bodies and what we can do with them. Personalities, hobbies, skills will all vary from person to person to form the specific cocktail that is you. So what I encourage you to do is to stop thinking of yourself as this other girl minus one small trait, and instead think of yourself as a whole person with a bunch of cool traits. And as Heather mentioned, a way to do that is to take some time and energy and focus on learning to like yourself.

I also want address the idea of being the perfect partner. There is no such thing. Everyone has flaws, and the people we end up dating just happen to have good stuff that balances out the flaws. So it helps to focus less on being the "perfect" partner and more on being the best version of yourself you can be. The way we end up being a good partner, especially sexually, comes in part from being comfortable with ourselves and our bodies and with our partners bodies. I think this article is a great read about feeling like you need to be perfect when it comes to sex: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gende ... fectionism

[A.53]

Thanks! It's just that her body does something rare and mine is just average

[Heather]

We're at the point where I feel we need to set a limit here when it comes to talking about her.

We're all on the same page as a team that this is not constructive, and instead, counterproductive, and I just strongly feel that doing anything that basically enables you in an obsession with this person is the opposite of helping you. But it also has gotten to a point where I know I'm just starting to feel really uncomfortable with it, too (both in terms of talking about what someone's body does during sex who isn't here, a partner of yours, or choosing to share that information here, and with how focused you are on this person, to a degree that is feeling quite unhealthy to me). I'm going to ask you to consider trying to get on board with what we've been trying to talk about that is actually about you and your relationship rather than continuing to keep talking about this woman and setting yourself up in some kind of cagematch with her.

If you only want to focus on her, her sexual responses and trying to compete with them and her, we're going to respect your wants, but we're not going to take part in that anymore here, so that's something you'll need to do with someone else or via another service elsewhere.

My best advice for you is to take all of this to your therapist, being really honest -- you could even just show them all of what you've posted here to make it easy -- and asking for their help moving away from this obsession and focusing on yourself and building up your own self-esteem, which isn't something that happens by focusing on someone else. To do that, you've got to put your focus on you and on working hard to love and accept yourself as you are.

[A.53]

You don't understand she won't butt out of our relationship. She is constantly posting on his facebook wall, texting him, posting on his instagram posts. He still has pictures with her up but does he have any pictures of me? No it's much deeper than what she can do that I can't. It's the fact that I'm the third wheel in my own relationship and I feel like deep down he misses her and wants to be back with her. I just can't compete with her in anyway and the fact that I'm fatter than her, I'm not like her at all in fact I'm a huge loser compared to her I rather stay in than go out. I'm awkward and never know what to say and now the icing on the cake is I'm worse than her in the bedroom. This is why I hate her and want to be better than her, because she won't leave us alone and I can't do anything about it and it's the most annoying and frustrating feeling! None of the guys from my past pose even near a threat and I see them on a daily basis but his ex makes me feel like I'm not even his girlfriend and that anyone on his social media thinks I'm some dumb girl who can't get a hint.

[Heather]

Again, I set a limit with talking any more about her here, and I need you to respect it, please.

I do want to add, though, that in healthy relationships, everyone needs to be making room for each person to have a range of other close relationships, and sometimes those relationships will include exes. Wanting a partner not to have other close relationships because they stir up your own issues is most typically a sign of wanting to control over that person in some way. A desire for that kind of control and strong possessiveness like this is yet again something that tends to come from a place of low self-esteem and insecurity.

You don't have to agree with us about what you keep bringing here ultimately being about low self-esteem, or that being -- in our minds, as a collective staff -- what you need to work on that, if you do and make some progress, will likely start turning some of this around. But you do need to respect limits we set, and also do need to stay aware of our limitations as a service.

Nearly all of what you've brought here so far lands pretty squarely into the locus of a need for mental healthcare or some other big self-work and help with increasing your self-esteem and also helping you get away from an obsessive thought pattern about someone, and that simply is outside the scope of what we can do in our services.

[A.53]

Ok.

[A.53]

Thanks for picking her side and basically saying I'm crazy for not liking my boyfriend's ex like 90% of people in relationships. I honestly don't care if she talks to him but she needs boundaries she's the one who needs help.