It feels like it's happening all over again

[Catsmeow]

The first time it happened, I was 14 and sober. It was awful, and I bled and I still blame myself for being stupid enough to go upstairs with a boy that much bigger and stronger than me. The second time I was 16 and drunk, and I still blame myself for letting it happen, but that's not the point. The point is I had never told anyone before, and never planned to tell anyone, I wanted (and want) to forget, but I went against my better judgement and told someone I was really close to. She was upset, beyond upset, and I was scared, I mean she wasn't mad at me, but she was mad at the situation, and mad that I never reported it. The first time was nearly four years ago, even if I did want to report it, there's almost nothing I could tell anyone about either time, I don't remember whose party it was at whose house where or when, just that the first time he smelled like beer and Axe and the second time he smelled like sweat and I don't know which was worse. Anyway, I told her, and she was pissed. The next day I went to school and got called out of third period, one of the school counselors was there and she told me she had heard I had been raped. I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to tell the truth, so I just got up and left. At the behest of another friend, I went back to her office and asked what was going to happen, she said she had to report the suspicion of abuse to child services. I was beside myself, no one knew about this, not my parents, not my brother, not my best friend, and now child services was going to know and everyone would know. Three days later I got called out of third period again, and went to the attendance office. In the conference room there was a detective, she told me that it had been reported to her and that we had to talk. I told her all I could without actually giving it a name. I never wanted a case on me, but now I have one. She said that because I never actually told her if a crime had been committed, she wouldn't be mandated to tell my parents, which was the only thing that stopped me from lapsing into a full blown panic attack. I confronted my friend about it, about how it had hurt me and how scared I was, and she told me we couldn't be friends anymore, it hurt her too much that I was hurt by this. So now I'm just stuck, I don't want to report this, I don't want to do anything with it, but it's out of my hands again. It feels like getting raped all over again, it's so terrible, what do they want from me? Why won't they just leave me alone? I just want it to go away, and now I'm losing friends over it. It's all my fault again, I never should have trusted anybody, I just want it gone. Will this ever be gone?

[Heather]

I'm so sorry you've had to experience assaults, and I'm also sorry you had your confidence betrayed with this by your friend. By all means, having who you disclose to taken out of your control can very much feel like yet another violation because, of course, it is a violation, of your privacy.

I don't understand why your friend has said she can't be your friend anymore (though I also don't know how you feel about that), but that sounds like yet another blow on top of everything else.

None of this -- absolutely none -- is your fault. Extending trust to someone they betray isn't our fault for extending that trust, it's the responsibility of the person who has betrayed it. And while the outcome of you sharing this with your friend wasn't good, reaching out to try and get support really is a good thing to do, and far better than not doing so. Unfortunately, sometimes who we reach out to won't always handle that well. It may be your friend felt or feels outside her depth or overwhelmed, and that's understandable, but what's not so understandable is her reporting it to someone else without talking to you first, at the very least.

Sexual assault also is never the fault of the victim: we can't "let" assault happen, because assault is expressly about someone doing something against our will. Going upstairs with someone doesn't make them assaulting us our fault just like, say, having an apartment doesn't make someone breaking into that apartment our fault. The person who is ALWAYS responsible for assault is the person choosing to assault someone else: that's all on them, not you.

I'm heading out of work here for the day, but if you can fill me in on what you'd like our help with, and how you think we can best support you, I'll be back in first thing in the morning. Forgetting assault has happened to us just isn't an option, alas, but processing it and healing from it is, and we can move forward. Just let us know how you'd like to work/talk with us so that we can help in ways you DO want and do feel comfortable with.

[Catsmeow]

I just don't know how to deal with it. I feel so isolated, I go to Catholic school and all we ever get told is having sex is like being a chewed piece of gum or a used piece of tape or crushed cookies, I don't know anyone else who has gone through this, let alone gone through it twice. I want to reach out and get some sort of help, but I'm afraid, and I haven't even let myself think about it in the past four years. Reporting it isn't an option, at least not while I'm still technically a minor, and (I guess) forgetting it isn't much of an option either. I just want to know that someone else knows what this is like I guess.

[Heather]

I just wanted to check in on you one more time before I was all-out for the day.

I'll have more to say on all of this tomorrow, and some ideas to toss at you about how to deal, but for tonight, what you just said here reminded me about some very smart and caring -- including self-caring -- things the very brave survivor Elizabeth Smart had to say about the impact of things like you've heard on your school on her: http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/20 ... e_and.html

Long story short, those frameworks -- chewed gum, tape that isn't sticky anymore, a wilted rose, all that kind of garbage -- are TERRIBLE. Terrible for everyone, and just not true, but especially terrible for those of us who have survived sexual abuse of any kind. They come from places of ignorance and a desire to control people by making them feel ashamed, not truth, love or care.

If it helps, I, myself, have been sexually assaulted more than once in my life, so now you know at least one other person who's been in that situation. Statistically, you know, it's not just you and me, I assure you. Many victims of abuse or assault have lived through it more than once, and while it's awful we've had to, we are not alone in this, and whether someone did it to us once,n twice or fifty times, it's still never our fault.

Hang in there for tonight: we've got your back here with this, so know you have found one place (and, if you like, we can work with you to help you find more), where no one is going to take your choices away from you and you're going to be supported.

[Catsmeow]

I never got tested after either, I figured if I wasn't pregnant I would be okay. I don't know where to go and I'm terrified of going alone. What if I do have something? I would have to tell my parents and it would just be awful. Wouldn't it be better not knowing?

[Heather]

I wouldn't say so, because a) that wondering can be really stressful, and b) if you did contract an infection, not treating it will have long-term health issues that, at some point, you won't be able to ignore, and which can usually be avoided with early treatment.

Are you in L.A. proper or very nearby? I ask because there are some excellent clinics there, and you also have some great rape victim advocacy services so that you don't have to go things like testing alone. And nope: you won't have to tell your parents if you don't want to. If you'd like me to help you locate any of these services, just give a shout and your zip code, and I'm glad to help you find all of the things available to you -- be it sexual healthcare for testing or victim's advocacy services -- so you can just know all your options and consider which, if any, you'd like to look into.

[Catsmeow]

I live about an hour outside of LA in Torrance (I think my zip code is 90505). I'm never going to get to forget this, am I? I told my youth group tonight and I'm still shaking, what if they tell like my friend did? It just felt so strange, they were all really quiet and I couldn't get them to laugh at all. I just want to forget it, it was a long time ago and it still isn't over.

[Sam W]

Hi Catsmeow,

I hope you don't mind my chiming in (if you do, say the word and I will butt out). It took a lot of strength to tell your youth group about what happened. Did they seem (or did at least some of them seem) supportive of you (you mention they were quiet when you told them, but did they say anything afterwards)?

In terms of forgetting, you're right that this will likely be something you carry with you for a long time. And that probably feels frustrating and scary at the same time. But, what I've seen many survivors express is that, over time, it becomes a lighter and lighter thing to carry. It shifts from being something that feels like it's always right at the front of your mind to something that's a part of your past but doesn't seem to dominate your present. That process is going to vary depending on the person and the kind of support they can access, but I want you to know that it does happen.

[Catsmeow]

They seemed pretty supportive, which was nice, but I'm still terrified their going to tell. My pastor used to work with victims and people with HIV/AIDS, so she was pretty sensitive to it. She was worried that I might have an STD, but she doesn't know that I never got tested. I'm just too afraid to go alone.

[Sam W]

Glad they were supportive, and that your pastor was as well. It's okay to feel anxious about them telling people, especially given what your friend did. One way to think of it that might help is that you told them in confidence and in good faith, and if they choose to break that confidence that's a knock against them, not you.

Do you have someone who you'd feel comfortable having with you when you got tested so that you don't have to go alone? Too, as Heather mentioned, there may be some rape advocacy services nearby who have advocates that can accompany you to the clinic.

[Heather]

Might you feel better checking in with the leader of your youth group to ask them for all of you to have a talk about not sharing the information you gave them without your permission?

Too, since it sounds like that youth group is a community you trust and value, and the people in it handled your disclosure well, perhaps there's someone in it, maybe even the leader of that group, you can ask to go with you to get tested?

Alternately -- or as a secondary source of support, since you don't have to pick just one! -- the YWCA in your area (if you're not already familiar with the Y, they are a fantastic organization), provides a range of services for abuse and assault survivors, including going with survivors for things like testing or legal appointments. You can check out what they offer here: http://www.ywcagla.org/what-we-do/progr ... l-assault/

I do also just want to check in with you about how you're feeling. When you came in here, you'd only told one person and it had gone very poorly. Then you told us, then your youth group, and the latter two times seem to have gone well. Good for you: breaking silence really tends to help more than it hurts. But it is still hard, and more talking about what happened can be just as stressful as cathartic, so I just want to get a feel for how you're doing.

[Catsmeow]

I feel better now than I did just after telling my youth group. I'm still kind of a wreck but it did feel good to say it and just have it out instead of being a heavy weight. Will YWCA provide testing too or do I have to go somewhere else for that? I was going to ask my pastor to come with me, since she has experience working with victims, I just don't know how to approach her about it

[Heather]

They don't have clinical services, so what they'd do if you asked them to ask as your helper/advocate is go with you to a nearby clinic.

Would you like to try and contact them about that, or would you like some help with how to ask your pastor? If you want to ask her, can you give me a sense of what you feel like is missing for you in terms of knowing how to ask -- like, why you feel like saying something like, "I wasn't tested after my assaults, and I want to be, but I feel very scared to go alone: would you go with me?" isn't workable, if being that plain doesn't feel okay?

[Catsmeow]

That's actually a lot more than I had on how to ask my pastor. I'm just generally afraid I guess. I'm afraid that might sound too unfeeling though, but to be fair I have no idea and I'm terrified

[Heather]

If I'm getting it right (and if not, please feel free to correct me) that one thing you're worried about is that you have to sound a certain way as a survivor, please know you don't. Not only do people have a giant range of ways they feel and respond after assault -- just after, months after or decades after -- there are also some practical things, like healthcare, we need after abuse or assault, and it's okay to come at them in a practical way.

In other words, it's okay to ask someone to help you go get healthcare after assault in the same way you might ask them to take you to an ER when you have flu that seems to be getting worse. I'd say what's important is that however you're able to ask for what you need, in whatever way makes it feel doable for you is what's important: getting care you need matters a lot more than what someone might think about how you ask for it. Make sense?

How do you feel about asking her in the kind of way I suggested up there? Or, doing it that way through something like text or email that might take some of the pressure of a face-to-face interaction off of you?

[Catsmeow]

Honestly I think it would feel worse doing it over text or email. Anyway I do it, I'm sure it's going to be tough to get the words out. I'm just more afraid that she'll say no or that it's not something you're supposed to ask people. The way you suggested was really good, but it's not so much what I'm saying but how I'm saying it and how it's going to go over. I don't know. I'm sorry this just keeps dragging on and being annoying

[Heather]

I'm not at all annoyed: I will always -- always -- be glad any time any survivor asks for help and support, because it's so vital to our survival and our well-being. It's a big part of how we can deal and how we heal. I sure wish that back in the day there were places like this or other advocacy organizations for survivors to contact and ask for help: it sure would have made things easier on me in some huge ways. I'm glad you're here, glad you feel able to ask for and about what you need and glad for what we can give you with any of that.

It's hard -- IMO -- to ask for help even under the best circumstances sometimes, so by all means, it can be really hard with abuse or assault. She might say no, for sure, but I hope you know that if she does, that won't likely be about her not wanting to help you, but instead might be about the limitations of her schedule, or any policies of her church that might bar her from doing something like that, who knows. But what it doesn't sound at all like a no would be about is any kind of statement about you not being worthy of help or care. I know that even if you do get a no and know those things, that doesn't mean it won't hurt, though. But by all means, if she has to say no, please know we can still help -- whether it's helping you contact that YWCA or someone else -- you get what you need. In the past, I've even phoned rape crisis organizations or advocates before to tell them we have a user who will be contacting them to help a user feel more comfortable doing that, and that's a kind of thing we absolutely can do for you if you like.

But from the sounds of things with your pastor, I'm betting that you not only get a yes, but get someone else very glad you asked for help she could give.

[Heather]

By the way, if it helps to know: over the almost 20 years now Scarleteen has been around, we have had survivors using the boards and other services to talk with us for hours, days, weeks, months and sometimes even as long as ten years or more. So, you use our services however much -- or little, up to you! -- as you want and need them.

[Catsmeow]

Thank you so much for helping me honestly, I had no idea where to go with this. It definitely helps to know that other people come here for help. I'm going to talk to my pastor the next time I see her in person (which would be Sunday). I'll keep you updated. Just one more question (that I could probably easily google but whatever) I know there are Planned Parenthood locations near-ish to me and my church, do they offer testing?

[Heather]

I'm not happy that anyone needs support after sexual abuse or assault, because those things should never happen to anyone, but it's my pleasure to do what I can for you.

They do, yes. The deal with testing through Planned Parenthood is that it's based on sliding scale fees. So, what it costs is based on your own (not your parents) income, unless you have insurance that a) covers testing and b) you feel comfortable using for testing. If you do have insurance, but don't want to use it because you don't feel ready to disclose your assaults to your parents and are worried an insurance bill might show your testing, just let the staff at Planned Parenthood know that when you make your appointment. You don't have to let them know this is related to assault if you don't want to, but that may change (reduce) your fees. You'll want to just ask for a full panel of tests, including an HIV test.

Too, public health services often offer testing for low or even no cost. This public health clinic is in your town and offers some (and possibly all, you can call and find out) free STI testing, for instance: http://std-clinics.healthgrove.com/l/24 ... lth-Center

[Catsmeow]

So what do I say when I make an appointment? Just like "I need to get tested?"

[Heather]

You can just say, "I'd like to make an appointment for STI testing." If they ask for what specific tests, you'll say, "For a full panel of tests, please."

[Catsmeow]

It's that easy? What are the tests like? Just blood work?

[Heather]

Yep, that's all you need to ask.

STI testing usually involves blood and urine tests and a visual exam. Sometimes they include a pap smear (and if you're not current with yours, or have never had one, then you'll want to ask for one regardless). For more on testing, check this out: Testing, Testing...

[Catsmeow]

Okay, so I was going to ask her tomorrow but now I'm freaking out about it. It just seems like such an awkward question to ask someone and I don't even know if I'll be able to get the words out. I'm still terrified she'll say no. I have no idea what I'm going to do