Anxiety and horniness

[maibeme]

Hey, I've been an occasional reader of scarleteen since about 2011. I've got a question now that I haven't been able to find an answer to in the articles myself.
I'm 20 and have had a small number of sexual experiences with two different people (both this year). The first was dry-humping with someone I didn't really know, although at the time I felt like I had some kind of emotional connection with him. It was awkward and uncomfortable. Then with a guy I know much better and do know I love, although I've been excited when we have been intimate (most we have done is hand to genital contact) I'm still very nervous, more than I think I should be.
Recently I have discovered I have anxiety and am trying various treatments. About a week ago, I was working through an exercise to figure out if I hyperventilate with out knowing it when I am anxious. You had to force yourself to hyperventilate and observe if the sensations you felt in your body were the same as when you are afraid/panicking. At first I identified it did feel the same as panicking, but after maybe 10 seconds I started feeling really horny. All the physical symptoms I identify as being turned on. I was mentally freaked out though, because I wasn't expecting it at all.

So basically, is this normal? Do you know why this would happen? Have I somehow trained myself to feel turned on when I'm stressed out and people are expecting stuff of me or something?
And tangentially how do I tell this guy? Should I tell him? Honestly if I don't just feel comfortable sharing stuff like this with him I don't think we should be together, but if I end it with him I'd have to let him know why. I just don't want to stuff him around and I've already been so on and off. (As well as anxiety I have ADHD so my emotional reactions are often intense and quick, that has been hard for him.)
When I'm in a sexual situation, how will I know if I really want to do something? I feel like I can't trust what my body is telling me and my brain is so muddled too!
Sorry there's so much stuff here, I'm just so confused.

[Heather]

Hello!

So, panting, of any kind, floods the body with oxygen and gets your heart rate up, both things also associated with sexual arousal and which can increase it. Since anxiety more often gets in the way of sexual desire, that'd be my guess about that.

When you ask how you tell this guy, do you mean how do you tell him you struggle with anxiety and feel nervous? If so, then that's just what I'd say: "I struggle with anxiety, am working on managing it, but I feel very nervous about ______ (fill in whatever fills in that blank." Then you can talk about that together, and you can also clue him in on what you know helps you so far, and anything you might want to ask him for around it. Sound good?

Learning what sexual desire feels like is something that can feel pretty easy and automatic for some people and more challenging than others, but it does just tend to take a little time. But our bodies don't actually express what we want, they just have various responses, many of them involuntary. It's our brains that do -- both through our feelings, which come from our brains and neurochemicals, and from our thoughts. So, you can trust your brain to be the best source for sexual choices and for information about what you do and don't want. Bodies just aren't very reliable for that information, because, for example, sometimes an erection (be it penile or clitoral) is about sexual desire, while other times it's just an involuntary response to stimulus when someone doesn't want to be engaging in sex at all.

[maibeme]

It was more, how do I tell him that I don't think I was as interested as I thought I was?
I'm pretty sure when we've done stuff it's been a little because I love him as a person and like being with him.
But I'm also pretty sure we've done stuff it's been a lot because I thought since my body was turned on therefore I must want to. I don't remember how heavy I was breathing when I was with him, if it was more anxiety driven or more excitement driven.

[Heather]

I'm feeling a little lost by your first question: maybe you can fill me in? What did you tell him you were interested in that you either know you're not now, or aren't so sure about now?

And what do you feel like you need to express in this kind of conversation: limits and boundaries, what desires you know you DO have, a talk about what kind of relationship you want, or...?

[maibeme]

Sorry I'm not so good at getting my point across.
Hmm.
I suppose I feel that I indicated to him that I was interested in pursuing an ongoing physical relationship with him.
Because when he made a move I responded in kind, and I have told him a lot how I don't want things to be casual. (I want to have an exclusive long-term relationship with someone I do physical stuff with.)
And I would really like that, if I felt secure enough around him one day that we had that.
But my anxiety makes that such a far off prospect.
And some days I feel really connected to him emotionally, but some days I feel like we're total strangers and when I talk to him I'm not sure if he even wants to ever talk to me again. (I do talk a lot, it would be ok if he said didn't feel like talking but sometimes he just ignores me if I say something like 'do you wanna chat more or nah?'.) I'm not sure how to interpret that. How much is my anxiety and how much is him telling me to cool it a bit? So I'm not sure what I should do at those times.

[Sam W]

Hi maibeme,

It can be so hard sometimes to try and tease out which parts of the input your brain is getting are signals from people and which parts are anxiety static. Have you and he had a conversation about what you're both looking for and expecting out of your relationship? It sounds like you've discussed it a little (since you indicated interest in an ongoing physical one), but have you had the chance to dive into it more?

[maibeme]

hey sam and heather, sorry for my late response. He and I did sit down and have a bit of a talk about different relationshipy things, during which I found a spot to bring up the issue. I'm feeling a lot more comfortable now to discuss these topics with him often, because he responded to it pretty well
We agreed that it is best for us to do things as we feel both comfortable and genuinely want to do them, rather than rushing into them. It wasn't fun for either of us when I thought I really wanted to do something (cuz I thought my body was able to tell me that) but actually it was too new/quick of an experience. For me I had the discomfort of being very anxious, and for him the discomfort of me basically going non-verbal while I was trying to do more with him, so sending super mixed signals. It feels good cuz I think we understand each other a lot more after having discussed it.
Thank you so much for your help