I'm a bit older than the normal user here (25) but I just became sexually active. That being said, I can't seem to get aroused with my boyfriend.
A bit of backstory:
My first sexual experience was a trainwreck. I've had vaginal pain upon penetration since I was young (and learned I have a rectocele and entrocele a couple weeks ago) and the first guy I dated pretty much used me and then ghosted me. I didn't really want to have sex with him, and kind of felt pressured. Neither of us got off and he couldn't get in me. The second guy I dated I made out with, but again, seemed to only try and visit when he wanted to have sex.
Fast forward to this guy: He's very sweet, knows about my medical conditions (I also have a condition that causes me to wear a wig, and he was totally okay about it), he's completely open and so considerate in bed and really wants to please me. However, even masturbation on my own is pretty meh in it's own right, and my lack of experience means I don't really know what I do like. I can get him off with my hands, and that makes me happy, but sometimes I just feel detached from sex and relationships, and I can never get aroused when he is (and when I'm in the mood, it's usually at a random time in the middle of the day). I also have panic disorder, and having a relationship is a big change in my routine (I live alone). I'm not sure if it's the anxiety, my general awkwardness, past experiences, or my lack of experience that makes this difficult for me, but I really would like to be aroused by and around him. It all works out in my head, but when it comes time for it, I'm just...so turned off. I tried so hard to get an orgasm to the point where I chaffed and had to stop.
![Sad :(](./images/smilies/icon_e_sad.gif)
My boyfriend is totally willing to be patient and never pressures me, but whenever I go over, I'm so scared and nervous it'll just devolve into sex and sometimes I just want to cuddle and not kiss anyone. I have fun when we get frisky, but it's never actually arousal.
Is this normal? What can I do?