No feeling for so long. Please help.

[tlcat]

Hi, so I'm new here because I haven't found any answers to my question anywhere at all. The thing is, I haven't been able to feel anything sexually at all in over a year. I used to be able to touch myself and get a very pleasurable feeling and orgasm. But, after I dated a guy two years ago, my ability to feel pleasure has faded into nothing. I am concerned about this because I am with my future husband now and (while we are waiting for marriage to have actual penetrating sex) any type of fooling around results in nothing for me. He always feels bad and I honestly miss it. I can get VERY turned on but neither him touching me down there or me touching myself does anything except maybe tickles or theres an uncomfortable pressure. I can't find any answers on the internet anywhere and I'm tired of not being able to feel. Please please help me. Also I'm almost 19 years old if that changes anything. Thank you.

[Sam W]

Hi tlcat,

That sounds like a stressful and frustrating situation. One thing to try, if you haven't already, is to experiment with different motions, sensations, and positions, or even bring in something like a sex toy to introduce new and varied feelings. Also, to clarify, is it a painful sensation when you touch yourself or he touches you? And was there something that occurred between you and your previous partner that you think contributed to what is happening?

[Heather]

..or with that previous partner? I ask because it sounds like your change in how genital, sexual touch feels this started either during or right after you were with that guy.

Can I also ask if this is ONLY genital? In other words, do you experience touch that gives you physical and emotional pleasure with other parts or areas of your body?

[tlcat]

Hi tlcat,

That sounds like a stressful and frustrating situation. One thing to try, if you haven't already, is to experiment with different motions, sensations, and positions, or even bring in something like a sex toy to introduce new and varied feelings. Also, to clarify, is it a painful sensation when you touch yourself or he touches you? And was there something that occurred between you and your previous partner that you think contributed to what is happening?

It is definitely not painful, it just feels as if he or I am touching something obsolete like my arm or hand or something not sensitive. And there were certain things sexually (but not penetrative sex) that happened with my previous partner that I consented to without really wanting to. Definitely situations where I didn't want to be touched but I thought it was normal in a relationship so I consented regardless of my uncomfortable feelings. Now I am past this and am in an extremely loving, caring, respectful and healthy relationship, especially when it comes to sex. Could it be possible that I just need something more stimulating than what I think I might need? Like a toy of sorts? I don't really know... Thank you by the way!

[tlcat]

..or with that previous partner? I ask because it sounds like your change in how genital, sexual touch feels this started either during or right after you were with that guy.

Can I also ask if this is ONLY genital? In other words, do you experience touch that gives you physical and emotional pleasure with other parts or areas of your body?

I have definitely asked myself if it was the previous relationship causing these issues before, but I guess I just hope that it's not the reason. Mostly because I don't know how I'd ever fix it. And I do feel some pleasure when we are kissing and especially when he kisses my neck, but not even by breasts/nipples feel any sort of pleasure and the neck thing is more of a tickle.

[Heather]

And there were certain things sexually (but not penetrative sex) that happened with my previous partner that I consented to without really wanting to. Definitely situations where I didn't want to be touched but I thought it was normal in a relationship so I consented regardless of my uncomfortable feelings. Now I am past this and am in an extremely loving, caring, respectful and healthy relationship, especially when it comes to sex.

I think what sounds more likely than needing a toy -- not to say it's not fine to get and try toys for any reason you want, mind! -- is that you are NOT past this. What you are describing here -- doing things you didn't want to sexually because you didn't feel you were allowed to say no -- almost always results in trauma, and often specifically sexual trauma. And, alas, we don't just "get past," sexual trauma. Instead, we can do work so that we can gradually heal from it, but that healing won't just happen with the passage of time, and also requires real intention, in other words, real work, whether that's by ourselves with help from books and such, or with the help of helping professionals to help us start to heal and keep healing.

Since you say you don't know how you'd "fix that" -- which I read as "I don't know how I'd heal," -- it sounds like you probably haven't done any of that kind of healing work of any kind. Do I have that right? If so, do you want us to talk with you about your options in that process, as well as what you may need to do for yourself, and ask of your current partner, now?

[tlcat]

I think what sounds more likely than needing a toy -- not to say it's not fine to get and try toys for any reason you want, mind! -- is that you are NOT past this. What you are describing here -- doing things you didn't want to sexually because you didn't feel you were allowed to say no -- almost always results in trauma, and often specifically sexual trauma. And, alas, we don't just "get past," sexual trauma. Instead, we can do work so that we can gradually heal from it, but that healing won't just happen with the passage of time, and also requires real intention, in other words, real work, whether that's by ourselves with help from books and such, or with the help of helping professionals to help us start to heal and keep healing.

Since you say you don't know how you'd "fix that" -- which I read as "I don't know how I'd heal," -- it sounds like you probably haven't done any of that kind of healing work of any kind. Do I have that right? If so, do you want us to talk with you about your options in that process, as well as what you may need to do for yourself, and ask of your current partner, now?

I guess part of the process is to stop the denial that I'm in about the whole situation right? If you think you can help me you most certainly have the right to help me. And I would love to hear my options and what I can do for myself and ask of my current partner. I want to be healthy for myself and for my partner. Thank you so much.

[Heather]

You know -- and I say this from a place as both working as an advocate and helper for people who have been abused in any way, but also as a survivor of abuse myself -- it is really VERY hard to even just acknowledge we have been abused, and then sometimes harder still that it did us any damage. It can feel like that gives a power to anyone who did us harm, or were part of that harm, we understandably don't want to give them more of, and it is also a really vulnerable place, even just when it's about admitting those things to ourselves.

But by all means, this stuff DOES do harm and it does wound us, and like any other kind of wound -- skinned knee, broken leg, whatever -- healing isn't something that will just happen all by itself or without our care, and if we keep doing anything that involves or presses against those wounds that haven't gotten the care needed to start to heal properly, more damage can be done, if that makes sense to you.

So, I'm happy to do what I can to help you with this, by talking what things out with you we can here, by suggesting books, by suggesting ways to do healing work. To do that, what I'd first need to know is what, if anything, you've done already. It'd also be helpful to know if, however awesome your current partner may be, you still feel any of that same obligation to do sexual things (from your first post, it sounds like you might still, as you seem express that him feeling bad about your current responses -- or lack thereof -- is one reason you want to "fix" this) with a partner. It would also be helpful to me to know if you have made any real room for yourself between that last partner where this all happened and this one where you are not being actively sexual and aren't even in the position (like by being in a sexual relationship, as you are now) where sex has to be on the table, at all. In other words, I'm curious to know if you now have, or had before this relationship, any real space (let's say at least a few months, but ideally more like a year or more) to not be sexual with a partner and, thus, be in a position where it felt, at all, like something someone else wanted from you.

(And I know even those questions may be loaded and scary, so by all means, take whatever time with this you need, and if there's anything you just don't want to answer, I can probably work around that, no problem.)

[tlcat]

To do that, what I'd first need to know is what, if anything, you've done already. It'd also be helpful to know if, however awesome your current partner may be, you still feel any of that same obligation to do sexual things (from your first post, it sounds like you might still, as you seem express that him feeling bad about your current responses -- or lack thereof -- is one reason you want to "fix" this) with a partner. It would also be helpful to me to know if you have made any real room for yourself between that last partner where this all happened and this one where you are not being actively sexual and aren't even in the position (like by being in a sexual relationship, as you are now) where sex has to be on the table, at all. In other words, I'm curious to know if you now have, or had before this relationship, any real space (let's say at least a few months, but ideally more like a year or more) to not be sexual with a partner and, thus, be in a position where it felt, at all, like something someone else wanted from you.

As far as the question as to what I have done all in all, I used to masturbate by myself, I have kissed, I have given hand-jobs, I have been fingered (I'm sorry, all of these terms seem almost crude to me to use in a mildly professional setting , but I don't know other terms), I have both given and received oral stimulation. That would be all. Both my partner and I are waiting for marriage until we have penetrative sex.

Regarding the stance on obligation to perform sexual activity I really don't feel any at all. If I'm being quite honest here, giving my current partner stimulation is something I really do enjoy. It makes me happy to see him feel so good, sexual things should be happy things right? And multiple times within the act being carried out he will ask me EVERY TIME "Do you really want to do this?" and "You know you don't ever have to do this again if you don't want to right?" he is a stickler for consent, I am as well. We both make sure nothing is happening without the consent of each party. Also, it took us a long time to get where we are sexually. Being very open about this, my partner had been sexually molested and in therapy before and during when I met him. We have had long talks about what sex means to us, and that it is never ever an obligation in our relationship.

As far as room is concerned I have definitely made space between my last partner and this one. I broke up with my previous partner almost two years ago, and I've been in this relationship for 11 months. Meaning as well that outside those relationships I was not involved with anything sexual. Also, with my current partner, we didn't see each other sexually for the first couple months.

[Heather]

Working in sex ed here, so it's okay for you to use the terms for activities you use for yourself, and we generally won't find most words for sex crude. Every now and then, someone's chosen language can be triggering for any of us working with someone, but when that happens, we'll just make an ask around that. It's all good.

That's wonderful to hear about you and your current partner, and while it certainly isn't at all wonderful you've both suffered sexual trauma, it IS often a lot easier to work through this stuff when you're with someone else who, even if their experiences and yours weren't the same, gets it in a big way.

And okay! One last question then before I start filling you in on some options and things to think about (and maybe also talk about with your partner): in that time in between, and since, what would you say you've done for yourself or with the help of any professionals when it came to healing? I'd certainly count creating a relationship with a culture of consent in it that's so strong as you have as part of that work, whether you intended that to be healing work or not, but what else, if anything? Any counseling or support groups? Any reading self-help books for people who have experienced sexual trauma and -- I don't know all the details here about that last relationship to know, so, it's a maybe from my viewpoint -- sexual abuse or coercion?

[tlcat]

And okay! One last question then before I start filling you in on some options and things to think about (and maybe also talk about with your partner): in that time in between, and since, what would you say you've done for yourself or with the help of any professionals when it came to healing? I'd certainly count creating a relationship with a culture of consent in it that's so strong as you have as part of that work, whether you intended that to be healing work or not, but what else, if anything? Any counseling or support groups? Any reading self-help books for people who have experienced sexual trauma and -- I don't know all the details here about that last relationship to know, so, it's a maybe from my viewpoint -- sexual abuse or coercion?

To answer your question, if anything, I haven't done much to try and help myself. Mostly because I really didn't think I needed help. I thought because I consented it was something that everyones goes through and it's not like I was raped or anything highly terrible. I just thought it was my fault for not speaking up on what made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I really thought if I just didn't think about it and concentrated on how happy I am now, it would go away. I guess all I've really done is discuss it with a friend once, and tip-toed around it with my current partner once or twice. I didn't think I really had any merit to say anything because saying I was sexually abused isn't justified in my mind, there have been so many worse things done to such amazing people.

[Heather]

I'm really sorry to hear you felt at fault for this. I want to say a few things about that I hope will be helpful.

Consent isn't the same when it's something we give not because we want to, but feel we have to. Sure, technically that's consent, but it's not enthusiastic consent, which, as it sounds like you know now, is just a totally different animal.

If and when people find that they are in situations where someone wants something sexual from them and they don't feel they have the right to say no when they want it, something got them there. That something can be about messages they were given in how they were raised, about other kinds of abuse, about the relationship or interaction that's happening in being one where the other person isn't really giving them any real room to say no, or is sending some kind of messaging that you should or must say yes...a lot of things. That way of thinking and feeling doesn't happen in a vacuum, it comes from things. Really, we have to LEARN not to stand up for ourselves when we don't want something: if you've ever been around toddlers who haven't already been traumatized or otherwise taught not to do that, you know all about it: the power of a two-year-old NO! is a mighty, mighty thing of great power and intensity.

I've said things like this to users many times in the past, but I'll say it again, because it seems like people just need to hear it from someone who's in the position to say it: I am someone who has been molested, violently group assaulted, and also someone who has given consent only under duress or when I felt, for some reason, I didn't really have the right to say no. I know that all of those things are traumatizing. By all means, they're not all the same, and we know from data that one big difference with trauma is that if and when people have felt their life has been at risk during trauma, that trauma tends to have bigger, stickier impacts. But seriously, that's about it: otherwise, we really can't quantify trauma like that because how something impacts someone has so much to do with how different we are, the varied contexts of our lives and backgrounds, the works. In fact, I have also lived through emotional and verbal abuse in part of my family, and in a lot of ways, for me, as an individual, I have found THAT abuse has often had harder-to-heal from impacts than violent sexual assault, just to give you an example of how differently we can be traumatized and impacted by different things.

No one naming what has happened to them discounts someone else because of different experiences, or what one person has the idea is universally "worse" than their experience. Sometimes people who haven't done any real healing yet or are in a tough spot with theirs might feel that way, but truly, it doesn't. Again, I don't know the whole context of all of this (yet, and maybe I won't ever, and that's okay), but if "abuse" feels like the right thing to call what happened to you, now or later, I would encourage you to trust yourself, and trust the rest of us who have been abused in knowing we don't need to own that word to make our own abuse real or valid.

I wonder: do you think some of why you haven't really talked about this with your partner is because you feel like what you experienced pales to what he did, so you don't feel like it's okay for you to talk about it with him? Or do you think not talking about this with him is about other things? If so, what?

That's a lot to start with, I know, and this whole opening is a big conversation that obviously can't be had in a day or two: no one has the emotional energy for that, even if they have the time, especially someone just finally starting to talk about this. So, know that if you want to keep talking, I'm in -- and same goes for the staff here -- and we can do that over as much time as you want. We've talked with people working through this stuff sometimes for weeks, many months, even over the course of years.

But I also want to do what I can to build you a bigger net and more resources than just us, so do you have access to books, either by buying them or getting them at a library? And are you someone who responds better when learning to reading text, or to things like videos or film?

Are you open to seeking out counseling or support groups if we (or you) can find any you have access to and the ability to get to and pay for (if there is a cost)? How do you feel about other ways to explore healing with this, like bodywork (therapeutic massage) or classes/workshops?

Are you open to starting to talk more about this with your partner? And is he generally open to reading or watching things we might suggest for you when it makes sense to be looking at things together?

All of that can help me start to build you some helps.

I have to head out of work for the day today, but I will be here a bit in the morning and all day Saturday if you'd like to keep talking more.

It's a big deal, by the way, to start talking about something you have been scared to for a long time: I hope you're giving yourself big props!