I think I was raped. Just mostly confused.

[only_human]

last couple weeks I have gone out with this nice guy. He is 22 so I have been keeping this relationship sorta a secret but my parents do know him. My friends know him also but it's this relationship thing that is/was a secret.

We have kissed and done a little more but nothing that I would consider crazy or anything, and I was comfortable with everything we did. He knew I was a virgin, knew that I wanted to wait, and he was okay with that. But it was this last Saturday that was over my limit, and I am wondering if I did something wrong or if he took advantage of me. We ended up kissing and whatever but he started taking my clothing off, something we did not do before. I was sorta okay with it, he knew I didn't want to have sex and I trusted him. he asked me several times if he could just enter me a little bit, I told him no several times. After a few minutes I guess I just got sick of him asking so i said okay, but I told him just a little bit. it was stupid of saying yes, not sure why i did, I wasn't happy with saying yes at all. I could see that he planned on doing it with no condom so I told him to put a condom on, he said "he didn't have one" but I had one (I always had one on me just to be sure). The condom was in my backpack on the floor but he didn't want to wait and said that "i'll only be in you for a second so don't worry." I let him do it, told him to just do it for a second, but at this point I was already mad at myself for telling him it was okay. So he enters me just a little bit, wasn't happy at all with what I just did, was honestly waiting for him to get out of me. He asked me "do you like it" and I said yes. Right after I said yes I was thinking we was getting off of me but with no warning he ended up pushed all the way in me, I screamed a little from the pain and I was pushing my hands against him. It freakin hurt, it wasn't easy, and I wasn't at all ready for it! I just looked at him and after a few seconds I told him to stop (i think it took me a few seconds because of the shock of it all). He looked at me and asked me "you don't like it?" I told him NO! I was on the edge of crying, not from the pain but from knowing what I just did. He got off of me but he was in me for maybe 30 seconds, I know that he could see at the first second that I wanted him off of me! He just looked at me wondering why I didn't want it. I acted like I was okay, I didn't want him thinking that I was mad. The thing is I didn't leave right after that, i ended up with him for a few minutes just kissing a little more. I should have been yelling at him and I should have got dressed and ran off, but what I ended up doing was acting like I was okay and doing my best in making sure that he knew I was okay. I got dressed but before I left we ended up kissing one more time and he grabed my butt and said "i love you." I said nothing.

The next morning I get a text from my girlfriend asking me if I enjoyed it. I found out that he told some of my friends and right now they all think I am "perfect" or something. He told them that I had sex with him, but I don't see it that way.

My parents don't know about this but they will find out soon enough and they will be mad at me for doing it! I guess I could tell them the truth but right now the truth sounds like a lie.

What do I do? Was he wrong or was I? I let him do it but I didn't want it to go that far, he knew that! Am I looking at this the wrong way or did he take advantage of me? I am sorta thinking that he told my friends that we had sex so that I can't say that he did something that I did not want. I just feel that he has control over me right now, if I tell the truth I don't think anybody would believe me. I guess I am just on here asking what other people think. I guess I am asking if I was raped?

[Eddie C]

Hello there, only_human. Welcome to Scarleteen.

When someone is forced or coerced to do something that they didn't wanted, they were raped. Sexual assault is not something that just happens forcefully. It can happen with people we know, people we date, people we kiss, or even with people with whom we have had sex before.

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. By all means please know that you did nothing wrong and that none of this is your fault. You clearly expressed you didn't want to have sex and this person, instead of respecting your limits, insisted and pressured you. That's not how consent works. Consent is an enthusiastic yes not a forced "okay". You did not consent, you gave in to coercion/manipulation.

Going to leave you a couple of link that might help you a little bit with this:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... nd_assault
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... _been_rape

I want to let you know that there's no right way to react to assault. You staying with him after this happened doesn't mean you wanted it to happen. It means this is what you could do to handle the situation, and it's okay. We are not programmed to do only one thing when need to protect ourselves. We do what we need to do to survive and keep ourselves safe.

Something that you should know is that actually, this person broke the law by being sexual with you. With or without consent you being underage makes it unlawful. I say this, just to make sure you know that you are not powerless in this situation. If you want, we can talk more about this later.

Is there anyone you trust that you could talk with about what happened? Dealing with this emotions can be hard and I just wish you can have all the support you deserve. Please feel free to use this space as much as you need. And if you need something specific per reporting, healthcare or just emotional support, just holler.

By the way, your truth sounds like a truth to me. We believe you.

[only_human]

He is a good friend of my parents and I just ended up with him, can't explain why. I have known him for years and he is a good friend, I kinda think that he just lost himself that day. And I knew it was rape, I just didn't want to think of it like that. I just wish he didn't tell anybody about this! I think if he would have just not said anything then I would have been kinda okay. The problem is that this happened a few days ago and all my friends think that I wanted to do it, and I am laos making them think that because I don't want the full truth to be known. I guess I am better off as the girl who did it with an older guy other then the girl who was raped. And yea, I do know about this age thing, I knew that before I went out with him, I just didn't think he would go this far.

I guess my other issue is pregnancy. I don't see this as a problem as he wasn't in me that long but it sure will be on my mind for the next 2.5 weeks. It was so dumb not having a condom on! My mom gave me my first condom when I was 12, I have always carried one around and was happy that I had one. And yet here I was, about to have sex, and I never made him put it on :(:(

I see him all the time. Nothing I can do about it. LIke I said he knows my parents so I can't get around that. he was over here today talking with my dad and I was watching them chat from my bedroom window. He thinks he did nothing wrong at all, or maybe I am making him think that I am okay with what happened. Or maybe I should just be okay with it but tell him I didn't like it and make sure he doesn't do it again.

[Eddie C]

The problem here is not why you ended up with him. You can have a hundred reasons, or even none. The problem is that he decided to ignore your needs and limits. This clearly wasn't a misunderstanding on his part. You did say many times that you didn't want to have sex and he chose to ignore those limits and push your boundaries. And, is not about you not making him put on a condom, is about the fact that he, again, chose to not wear one even when you asked him to do it. And he not telling anyone about what happened doesn't change the fact that, sadly, it DID happened.

So, the fault is not on you at all and is not that he "lost himself that day", either.

It worries me that you have to see this person all the time. Is it okay if I ask you why you can't avoid seeing him? And, do you feel safe at all having to interact with him? No one should "just feel okay" with being hurt and you deserve to feel validated in your feelings and your needs. I hear you when you say that you don't want to feel like the girl who was raped but I want to make sure that you know that's not the only option you have.

Per your pregnancy worries, if there was no ejaculation the chances are very low. But because he didn't use a condom the risk of STI's is still there. If you want to talk about getting the healthcare you need, we can always do that.

[only_human]

I read what you said in your reply and I must say I agree. He ignored everything I told him, pushed every limit, I guess it was his way of thinking from the very first moment. You know he is a nice guy, or was. I dont know

He works for my dad, him and about a dozen others. I interact with him and all the other workers all the time. We have a big Christmas party coming on this Saturday so I will see all of them soon enough.

I did read that one link you gave me about std's. I think I am okay. I do have a family doctor so I guess i'll call tomorrow.

After reading what you said I guess I just feel used right now. Now I know that was all he wanted. He knew I was a virgin and that I was no way ready for anything like this yet he did it anyway.

So, I can tell my parents, or forget about it. No easy decision. I am not happy right now as I know I was used, but I also don't want my parents to know as I am afraid of what they will say think or do.

You know what hurts the most is that he has not texted me since that night yet he texted a few of my friends about it. I have not texted him yet, not sure what I could say. I think he knows he was wrong but just waiting for me.

[Sam W]

Hi only_human,

I hope you don't mind if I chime in. I think your gut is probably right that he had been planning this for awhile, and that was a totally awful thing to do. I think you're already feeling a lot of these emotions, but this piece may be very validating to you right about now: Why I Deeply Dislike Your Older Boyfriend

When you say you're afraid to tell your parents, are you afraid they'll do something like hurt you or kick you out? Because if that's the case, then you may be right that now is not the time to tell them. But, if it's more a fear of seeing them upset, that might be a thing to risk, for a few reasons. One is that, if this guy is someone you see all the time, there's a possibility he might try this again. I don't say that to scare you, but something we know about guys like this is that they're often repeat offenders. Telling your parents might get him away from you (hopefully by getting him fired). The other reason is that it sounds like you're going through some (understandably) tough feelings right now, and it might be nice to have your parents support you.

Would you be comfortable seeking out a counselor to talk to about this as well? It may help to have someone neutral to talk to.

[only_human]

Sam W,

I do not mind.

I read some of that link that you gave me. I can not see him like that as he is such a super nice guy, everybody loves him, but I know I am/was just some "thing" for him. Part of me wants to tell him how I feel and that we can't do that again but that we stay good friends and the other part of me wants to tell my parents and get him in some big trouble!!!!

My parents will go after him, and they should, and I am afraid of what my dad will do. I am sure some good fight will happen, cops will be called. And I am not sure what my parents will think of me, not sure what they will think when I tell them all of this. Not sure if they will believe the story. I have a good wonderful relationsip with them but this is all about sex, and I can see my dad just see this story as a lie so that I can stay out of trouble.

I know I did nothing wrong but I don't want to make things worse. I guess that is my answer. A very dumb and stupid answer but this way I keep everybody else happy and out of trouble.

I dont need a counselor, I am happy enough with finding this place.

[Heather]

To be clear, sexual assault isn't about sex: it's not sex for victims, and for those who do it to people, it's actually about power. If you want to talk more about that, we certainly can.

It sounds like you might want some more time to make up your mind about telling your parents - or anyone else - or not. Additionally, it sounds like you would also need to assure that any disclosures to anyone don't result in more violence in your life, like your father assaulting this guy in his own way, which obviously isn't going to be good for you. Sexual assault is a crime: if anyone wants to seek justice for it, the way to do that is through the legal system, not with fists. Same goes with your concern your parents won't believe you.

Does that sound right? If so, then my main concern right now is making sure that while you do that, you are safe: away from the person who assaulted you and not in any kind of contact with them, as that just gives them opportunities to abuse, assault or otherwise traumatize you further.

Would you like to get our help making a safety plan and some strategies for staying safe while you decide what to do? We can also keep talking with you to coach you on how to tell people, if you decide you want to, in ways most likely to result in what you want and need from telling.

[only_human]

heather, could you please pm me.

[only_human]

sam if you want you can pm me also.

[Heather]

I have, but please know that board conversations can't continue in PM.

If you'd like a more private way to talk, what we can do is arrange a time to have you use our crisis chat system. All we need to do to do that with you is for you to give us a time window, and we'll figure out a time we can get in to talk with you that way within that window.

[only_human]

it doesn't look like I can reply via pm anyway. Its okay, I was just looking for something more private other then a public board but nobody knows who I am anyway.

I just wanted to say that my mom found out, I knew she would since some of my good friends know. I couldn't tell her the truth about what happened, she thinks that I wanted it. She asked if I used a condom and I said I did. We talked for 20 minutes and I lied about everything. I asked her to make sure that dad doesn't kill him. She asked if I loved him, I said I don't know. I lied about everything, it was easy because it was the easy way out. I don't want anybody to be in any more trouble. What else could I do? I feel like I am more of an adult by taking the blame for it all.

[Heather]

I don't think it is adult (nor not adult) to take responsibility for someone assaulting you: that's not a judgment of you (and if there is something you feel you need to do to survive and deal, or don't feel ready to tell the truth about being assaulted, I understand that), or a statement you lack maturity. I say that more as a response that, as victims, it is literally harmful to us, often further traumatizing, and an impediment to our necessary healing to take responsibility for abuse someone else did to us.

Are you okay with me talking more to you about that? Or about what else you can do (how you responded today doesn't mean you can't be truthful at another time when you feel more able or ready), as not being truthful is only one option, not the only option? I want to check first before I say more. If there's something else you feel you want from me/us instead that's more useful to you, by all means, I won't go into that and will follow your lead.

[only_human]

I don't like my decision but I think it is right for me. I feel like I am protecting my dad by doing this and I feel like I am protecting myself from more harm. If I go the other route the cops will be called and I see both the guy who raped me + my dad going to jail. All that will happen after that will be me telling everybody the truth, me ending up in court and talking about it, me and some of my friends no longer having a friendship. Plus he will say that I am faking the full story and that I wanted it! Am I wrong with anything I said?

I feel like I am arguing against myself right now. Heather, say everything you want, it's fine. I don't like any of this at all! I feel used and I feel like I have no control. I don't feel myself right now. If you think I should tell the truth and deal with all this shit then tell me why.

I guess I will end this with a sorry.

[Heather]

I'm very sorry to hear that you have felt you had to make any choices around this to protect someone whose child you are; that you don't feel your parent is able to be an adult and a parent and do that for themselves and be the person protecting YOU. That's a terrible position to be put in, under any circumstance, especially one like this.

I completely respect your ability to figure out what you need to be okay and deal as well as to be safe. I disagree that all the outcomes you have stated from alternatives are how things can only go, but a) I get feeling that way, and b) if the way you did this felt like your only right way for you right now, then it did, and there's really nothing to say about that but to respect it.

I'm not going to tell you what to do: these decisions should always be yours to make, just like sex should always be a choice. My aim isn't to tell you what to do, but to offer you support, information and options.

No need for you to be sorry, about anything, including how you're feeling. Being assaulted is a crime and a trauma, so when it's something someone does to us, we are going to have a range of feelings, and some of those feelings will be both giant and conflicted (and sometimes feel like we're arguing with ourselves, for sure).

So, how about you let me/us know how you think we can support you, what information we can give you you want that feels useful, and what options -- if any -- you want to talk about with us from here? Like I said, we're going to do our best to follow your lead. You already had choices taken away from you and things done to you without your want or consent: we're certainly not going to do that to you, too.

[only_human]

Heather,

Just got done talking with my dad about this, if you can call it a talk. I lied about it all, just like I lied to my mom. He is not happy with me right now. I was thinking my dad would be mad at him more then me but I ended up taking the full punishment for it. I cried the whole time.

I don't know what support I need. Now I am thinking of telling them the truth but I kinda think it's a little late for that. My mom has always said that I should be a writer, so right now I started this letter about what happened, thinking I could give them this letter, but I am stuck on line 1.

I am thinking about calling my pastor, maybe visiting him tomorrow. Maybe I could get some help in this?

Christmas party is on Saturday. Yippie (sarcasm).

[Sam W]

Hi onlyhuman,

I'm so sorry that your dad responded that way, and that it has left you feeling the way that you are (are you comfortable telling us what the punishment was). I think a letter telling them what happened, if that's the way you feel most comfortable telling it, is not a bad idea. If you'd like, I think we might be able to help you figure out what to write. In fact, you might be able to describe what happened to them the way you described it to us, as well as why you felt you couldn't tell them the whole story the first time. Does that feel like something you can do?

With your pastor, what are you hoping that conversation results in? I ask because, while many pastors are well meaning, a lot of them are not well-equipped to comfort and counsel someone who has gone through a sexual assault.

Is there a way you can avoid going to the party? Or maybe bring a friend (one of the ones you told about what happened) with you for support and to make sure there's no way for this guy to get you alone?

[only_human]

the punishment is nothing I want to talk about. This board is sorta private but I can't talk about it. It wasn't fun, that says enough.

never did contact my pastor, I think it would just be strange.

Writing out a letter would be nice but I feel like every day that goes by just makes it worse. Nothing bad has happened since that night with him, I guess not saying the truth helps in keeping things cool.

The party is still a go for me. HE will be around but see everybody thinks I wanted to be with him so how do you avoid somebody when everybody thinks you love him? I will avoid him, but people will be looking at us.

And none of my friends know the truth about this, all they know is what HE told them via text. They all think I wanted it, they all think I have this great relaitonship with him.

I guess I am done. All I am dong now is repeating myself about all of this and I don't see any changes.

I am going to go see Star Wars tonight. Thinking about something else will be nice.

[Heather]

I'm very sorry to hear that it sounds like -- and you don't have to say if it was or not, since you clearly set a boundary here about talking about it -- you have now suffered some other kind of abuse after having already survived sexual abuse.

I agree with Sam: a letter to one or both of your parents doesn't seem too late to me. It's VERY common for people who have survived assault not to be truthful at first about it being assault: the world sure doesn't always make it very safe to be honest about that, and things like you've had in the mix here -- fear of further violence, of not being believed, of having to respond fast to this person lying to people about you having wanted sex with them -- all can play a part in this. But people also have often been honest later when it was safe for them and they felt able to. If you would like help with that, we can help.

With this party, I don't know if you feel up to this kind of strategy, but people who rape people DO NOT want anyone to know (that is likely why he rushed to tell everyone you had sex with him, actually). They also don't want the person they raped to understand that is what happened. Both of those things usually scare the crap out of them (people who rape people tend to be cowards, which is part of why they want to try and steal power that way so bad). So, if you feel up to it, and telling maybe one friend coming with you what really happened -- another strategy -- isn't something you want, you COULD catch him alone briefly, tell him you KNOW he raped you, and he needs to know you know and you have not told anyone YET, and leave it there, only asking him to stay the hell away from you. That kind of powerful position can work well, but again, not everyone feels that strong and able to fight in that way, so I don't know if that sounds like something you feel able to do. But we can keep brainstorming about this if it doesn't to find a way of dealing for you that does feel doable.

I envy you seeing the new Star Wars! Glad you're able to go do that and find small ways like that to care for yourself: they can really help a lot.

[only_human]

my dad was right with what he did to me with the info he was given. And yea, it was abuse all over again but this time from somebody I love. I guess I had it coming since i can't tell them the damn truth! First I was raped, then I was beat to death. Yippie.

heather, I am way ahead of you and thinking the same thing at this party. be a good time on saying something but I would prefer that everybody hear it! I don't fight, not sure if I could do it, but it would so good if I could! I am in a ton of pain right now, it needs to end. I just don't know what side people would be on (him or me) or if they would believe me at all right now. But why would I lie? I already been punished to hell so how could it get worse?

[Sunshine]

Hey there.

I hope it's okay for me to chime in. I just saw that you are online and thought maybe it would be nice for you to know someone read your last post this minute.

I am so, so terribly sorry that you have to through all this. If you were beaten, then I must say I do not agree your father was right to do this to you, even based on the information he had.

As has been said here before: You are not responsible for what happened to you. It is not your fault. You are not to blame. A guy did something bad, wrong and illegal to you. That was his decision, his idea and his actions. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.

I wish I could send you strength and comfort over the internet. I am sure one of the lovely, experienced people who have been responding to you here earlier will have something more helpful to say. Until then, know that someone is thinking of you in a sympathetic way.

Hang in there.

[only_human]

he whipped me with a belt on my butt for a long time, that is what he did. Nothing else happened so I don't want you or anybody thinking something worse. It was very painful but I think it was more humiliating. 2 for 2!

Not my fault, I know, that is what everybody on here says, I am just torn on what I should do. I guess I will see what I do at this christmas party, if I do nothing then I never will. I am still happy I found this place, but all I am doing now is repeating myself.

[Sunshine]

It's totally okay to repeat yourself! Sometimes we have to mull over the same thoughts several times to get somewhere with them. Sometimes we just have to vent. It's all fine.

I know people have different opinions when it comes to corporal punishment. Personally, I consider hitting anyone in any context bad and wrong, unless it's self-defense and the person being violent has no other option of protecting themselves.

Do you have anyone in your life who can be your ally in this? Someone who is sure to believe you when you set the record straight with them, will be supportive and / or who can come to the party with you? Maybe it would make a difference if at least one other person besides you knew the real story.

If you do not confront the abuser at the party, then that doesn't have to mean you will never do anything about what happened to you. It especially doesn't mean you can't keep yourself safe in the future. I'd say, do now what feels right, what feels safe.

[Sam W]

Hi only_human,

I am with everyone else that how your dad reacted was not okay. Physical "punishment " is physical and emotional abuse, by definition. Even if you initially said that it was consensual, a 22 year old pursuing a 15 year old should be the one to draw the anger of a parent. Not their own kid. If you think that telling them the truth, or raising the issue again would cause a similar reaction, we can talk about ways to make a safety plan (if that's something you feel comfortable with).

Would you like me to help you draft the letter still? I can come up with a very basic frame for it that would let you use it for both your parents and anyone else you needed to tell. That may help make the process a little less thorny to get through, and be a way for you to tell what you need to.

I am with Sunshine that the party does not need to be the deadline. I think we were focusing on it because we know (sadly) that guys like this tend to do this again, so didn't want him to have a chance to hurt you again. But if you don't say anything at the party, you can say something the next day, or the next month, or the next year. Also, that thing where he told all your friends right away is such a cowardly, manipulative act to rob you of your support system and I am so sorry that he did that to you.

[only_human]

I was in the line for the star wars movie with my friends. later on the guy who raped me arrived (i didn't know he would be showing up). I was told from my friends that my reaction when he gave me a hug was nothing but panic and fear (I don't remember this). My reaction made a couple guys stand between us, one of them I don't know, the other was the dad of one of my friends.

Guy who raped me left. Friends worried about me and tried to help me out. I cried like a baby in front of everybody! As for the dad of my good friend we ended up going across the street to DQ, had some ice cream, and I told him everything. I could not talk at first but I told him to read the story that I posted on here. After an hour of talking we took a drive, I showed him where my rapist lived, and he ended up going to the house and they both had one heck of a conversation! I watched it all from the car, from a good distance. I must admit I kinda smiled.

He (friends dad) wanted to talk to my parents and tell them what was going on, but I told him no. He did NOT like this idea but in the end he said it's my decision. He also wants me to report this to the police but he said in the end it is still my choice. He WILL tell his wife as he thinks its best that a woman knows about this, he gave me no choice on this but said his wife will say nothing. he wants me to talk to his wife from now on if I wish, and I know her so that will be okay.

My friends who were with me at the theater know that something is going on, they just don't know what. Not sure what I will tell them.

I think I am okay now. I told somebody who I know so that helped, and he will no doubt be keeping an eye on me (just fyi he and his wife are both good friends with my parents).

I just don't want people to know I was raped. It feels wrong. But I have been reading all the responses on here, and part of me wants to tell my parents and the police so that he (rapist) doesn't do it again. he had so much control over me that night that I think he has done it before, I don't think I am his first. I keep thinking about that night again and again and I tell myself that I let him do it, but he did ignore my limits and boundaries and he gave me no control. Kissing was okay, that was my true limit, yet it ended with unprotected sex that I did not want.

With all that said, why do I still feel like this is my fault?

I will still be reading all the responses so please say all you want. All of you have been great so a BIG thanks!