need some sex ed help

[16stones]

I found my 13 year old sister playing with a boy today in her bedroom. She was giving him a bj, needless to say I was not happy with her. I never did walk in and they never did know I was back home, I simply left and took another jog around town. Coming back I found the boy walking down the street, he looked more like my age (16) but I never did say anything to him and I just kept jogging by.

I have said nothing to her about this. Not sure what I should say. We share the same bedroom so I don't think she is sexually active but I am guessing i'm wrong. What should I say? Should I look at her phone and facebook and make sure she is okay? I want to ask her why she was doing it and what she has done before but should I?

[Mo]

It's a good thing that you're looking out for your sister. I don't think checking her phone or facebook is a good idea; violating her privacy like that is likely to make her less likely to trust and open up to you in the future if she has an issue. It sounds like sitting down with her and having a talk about what you saw and what's going on with her, relationship-wise, is a good idea though. I'd start by telling her what you think you saw and asking her to fill you in on what happened and what the situation is. Ultimately you can't make her tell you any of this, or change her behavior, but I think it's important to check in with her about the circumstances and offer advice if she asks for it or if it sounds like she's being coerced or abused at all.

Keep in mind, too, that having oral sex is being sexually active; there is a chance of STI transmission in this if barriers aren't being used, and that's important for her to know if she doesn't already. In addition, while consent laws vary from state to state, I don't believe there's any state in which a 13-year-old is legally able to consent to sex, and in Arizona any sort of sexual contact with someone your sister's age is not lawful, as noted here.

I think having a basic talk about what you saw is a good place to start, and based on how that conversation goes you can decide if you need to proceed differently. Also, giving her the link to this site is something you can do! We're happy to answer her questions here, or she can search for information on our main site.

[16stones]

thanks for the pep talk Mo. I have seen the boy before, he goes to my hs, I just don't know him at all and I dont think he knows me.

what bothers me is the boy! It is my bedroom also! 2 beds! Pics of me on the wall! That should have been a warning that I would find out!

Not worried about the lawful stuff you said but I will go with the other advice.

One last question. Should I give her condoms or does this make it look like I am okay with all of this? I will talk with her, it will be an interesting conversation.

thanks mo :~)

[Heather]

Talking with someone about safer sex and helping them get what they need to practice it isn't telling them to be sexual, nor making (or not making) any kind of endorsement. Really, whether you are okay with this or not, you'd want your sister to be as safe as she could in whatever of her own choices she makes, right?

So, I'd say if she seems open to talking about this with you, and open to you helping her get safer sex items and learning how to use them -- you can always show her this site for that, too! -- and that's something you feel okay about doing for yourself, an older sibling doing that can be a pretty big deal and a very good thing.

I do also think it's fair, if you share a room with anyone at all, to discuss boundaries when it comes to sexual activity in that room, on either of your parts. However, I'm willing to bet that whether you'd find out or not was probably not in either of their minds at the time: that just doesn't tend to be a part of many people's sexual decision-making. And as to the "why was she doing it," I'd watch asking something like that, exactly -- that's a pretty invasive question -- but the answer to that when any kind of sex is wanted by everyone involved is most often as simple as "Because it felt good and we wanted to be sexual together."

[16stones]

after calming down I had a talk with her last night. Told her I noticed some cute boy leaving the house when I came back from my jog, I did this in a fun and laughing way. Asked if they did anything crazy, she said no, they just hang out. I found out that he has been over a few times, I just laughed it off.

This morning before I left I gave her one of my condoms and showed her where I had some others, told her she could take the others if needed. I gave her a serious talk when I did this and thankfully she took it seriously. This was not easy for me, I don't want her doing anything at all but I can't stop her either. I never did discuss boundaries with her about the bedroom, I would prefer that she had a comfortable place over sneaking around in some public area.

I am hurting for her, sad that she is doing this. She is so petite but she has a great mind so I hope she stays safe. I am 16, still a virgin, but I feel like my little sis will loose it soon if she hasn't already. Our mom works 2 jobs, 60 hours a week, and with no school for the next couple weeks it is just my sis and me. I can't babysit her all the time, I have my own life.

If you can tell me if I should do anything else please let me know. I think I handled it okay but I am sad that it was needed.

[Heather]

Might you be able to talk more about why you feel sad she has been sexual with a partner? Are you concerned this has not been wanted by her or consensual? Do you feel she may have been engaging in oral sex she didn't have a real sexual desire for?

You also say you don't want her being sexual with someone: presuming it is something you may not want for her or yourself, but is something she wants for herself, why do you think you feel that way?

[16stones]

I dont want her knowing that I know. if all she says is "we hang out" then I cant make her tell me. Like Mo said, I cant make her tell me or change her behavior. I dont know if she was pressured or if she was willing. The boy is older, that does make me worried. RIght now I want to know how she found him and/or he found her. I hope it was just her being curious and that nothing more happens. I hope it was her idea. She is 13, never had a bf, never any relationship that I know of, has a great mind and knows what is right and wrong, never in any trouble, and yet I see her giving some guy a bj! uuuggg!!!

She is my little sis, she is young, and I feel like I should protect her,this is why I dont want her doing anything. I cant imagin her wanting this for herself, if she doesnt then i hope she tells me. My gut feeling tells me that she was pressured, but that is only my gut feeling.

[Heather]

You know, I do think, personally, being honest with her about what you saw is the best way to go, and that if you have any concerns this wasn't wanted or consensual on her part -- or protected -- that it's pretty important you are. I suspect a big reason she told you what she did -- that she wasn't honest with you -- is that you told her what you did, and weren't honest with her.

Really, people don't need "protecting" from safe, wanted sexual activity. So, for some people who are her age, what you saw can be what is wanted, can be done safely -- both emotionally and health-wise -- and isn't something someone with all those factors in play needs protecting from. After all, wanted sexual activity that is consensual and safe doesn't hurt anyone.

But you know your sister, and hopefully you also know yourself well enough to know when your feelings about this are about yourself and perhaps your wants and values (which may differ from hers) and about real concerns. If your gut says she may have been pressured, I'd trust those feelings and I WOULD discuss them with her.

When Mo said you can't change her behaviour, I feel you may have misinterpreted what he meant by that. For example, if she DOES think that it's okay for someone to coerce or pressure her, and she has to do what that person is asking for, but someone she loves and trusts says she doesn't, tells her why that's not okay no matter how old someone is, then she IS going to feel more able to resist that pressure and only do sexual things she actually wants to with partners who aren't pressuring her.

I suspect if you do come back to her and are honest about what you saw, and voice concerns that are sound -- like about consent, health and safety -- and keep any personal judgments to yourself, rather than letting them leak into these conversations, you two may be able to have more honest, real and valuable conversation.

[16stones]

the first conversation with her was tough, giving her a condom was tougher! Now you tell me I should be honest with her. I dont doubt what you say, and i will do it, but i dont know how I will. I should have just walked in on them and yelled WHAT THE HECK!?!?!

[Heather]

I disagree: that would have been pretty traumatic for her, and unlikely to start any kind of productive conversation.

Let's maybe start here: do you feel like you are the right person to have this conversation, and a nonjudgmental, supportive conversation about sex with someone is a thing you feel ready to have?

Can I also ask where your parents are, in general, and with conversations like this about sex and sexuality?

[16stones]

my WTH was a joke. Sorry about that. I wanted to yell at them but i knew it was best to walk away and go on a jog and scream outside. This I did.
just me, mom, and sis. Dad is thankfully out of the picture now.
my mom and I never had the birds and the bees talk and I will not be telling my mom what I witnessed.
I did find out this guy my sis was with was her friends older brother. I do not like him much right now. Is that being judgmental, lol!
its best that I talk with her. I will not make her stop, but I will make sure she is okay. My mom works tonight so i'll find the time.
Any pointers that can be tossed to me would be nice. Should I talk with him also or should I tell my sis just to keep the talk we had a secret? I will see him at school starting jan 4th.
last question. what if it was not her idea? And what if she still wants to see him? This talk can go all directions.

[Eddie C]

Hello there, 16stones.

I suspect if you do come back to her and are honest about what you saw, and voice concerns that are sound -- like about consent, health and safety -- and keep any personal judgments to yourself, rather than letting them leak into these conversations, you two may be able to have more honest, real and valuable conversation.

Quoting Heather here, because I think this probably are the pointers you are asking for. I don't think talking to him is wise unless your sister tells you none of what happened was consensual. In that case, it would be a total different story, but because this is mostly about your sister, she is the one who should decide who else gets involved.

[16stones]

we had a chat, or mostly a chat. it was not that bad but she did not like it that I knew. I still love her, I think she still loves me. still not sure if it was more pressure from him or more curiousness from her, maybe both. It wasn't the only time they did it. she was honest and I was honest, and i just told her to play safe. I do not like her doing this, but i will support her decision.

[Heather]

I'm really glad this second talk went well, and props to you for keeping your own judgements at bay. I know that can be hard.

I'd lobby again for showing her the site here: it sounds like neither of you have gotten any kind of support or education at home when it comes to sex and sexuality, so giving her at least one resource for that is going to be valuable for her, and can also give you extra help and support if, as it sounds, your mother has just chosen not to make addressing any of this part of her parenting. I'm sorry that that's been the case, for both your sakes.

[16stones]

I did give her the link to this place.
If it wasn't for me calming down for a day and not coming on here reading your comments I would have strangled her to death! I DO NOT like what she is doing AT ALL but she is better off with my support then my attitude. I look at her differently now, I still love her, I just see a new side of her. I dont know if its against policy to go into detail but with the conversation I had with her I found out she has given him a bj 3 times now. The first time was pressure from him / curiousness from her, the other two times she was willing. This is all they have done together, and I believe this, but I truly do not want her going any farther! I guess I should buy some condoms for her because I only have a few left. Christmas is coming up.

[Redskies]

Really, really good for you that you're prioritising supporting your sister over your own strong feelings about this. That takes a lot of care for the other person and self-discipline! I think getting her condoms, and helping her figure out where she could get them herself, would send a strong message that her health, and taking care of her health, is important.

I'm assuming that your comment about what you'd've done was an exaggeration, btw - but for the future, we do ask that people don't exaggerate or talk about violent acts when they don't actually mean it, because in our line of work here we have to take people talking about violence seriously and literally. Sometimes our users write in about violence which is very real and literal, and it's important that we always respond appropriately and genuinely to that.

Pressuring someone into any kind of sex is really unacceptable behaviour: if he pressured her the first time, that was absolutely wrong of him. When someone's pressuring, that creates a situation where the other person can't give fully free consent: it's coercion, and it's one way of assaulting someone. If you need more information about consent, either for yourself or to pass to your sister, we have Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent. Pressuring is always the fault of the person doing it, and never the fault of the person on the receiving end.

If pressuring was part of the picture here, it actually becomes more important than ever that you do what you can to deal with your own opinions about her becoming sexually active without taking those opinions to her: when someone's been pressured, anyone else's opinions tend to make things more confusing and put up more barriers to figuring out what that person truly does and doesn't feel good and right about for their own self.

I'm wondering if you'd like to talk with us some about your own feelings around this? What is it about your sister being sexually active that you don't like, and how do you see her differently now?